This info is good to know...but also depressing. H will likely still be able to trigger me a year from now? Ugh. Do you still love your H, MS? Is that why? Or is it just learned behavior from years of interacting?
I didn't realize how much H manipulated me until about 4 months ago. Suspicions started around last April. So it wasn't a year. This realization is still very new to me. And a lot of it I believe is related to alcoholism. Whether it is his or the fact that he grew up with an alcoholic father, I'm not sure--but what they call "isms" in AA and Alanon are definitely almost all there with my H.
I also have a lot of codependent tendencies. My mother and her sisters all seem to have these tendencies that manifest in different ways. My grandfather was an alcoholic and abusive. I always saw it in them, they can really drive you crazy, but I now also see how much of that I learned. Luckily my father's family balances it out so I have some good examples. I'm learning. I'm working on it.
I do still love him. And the crazy thinking part of it is that I can't tell if what I love about him is real, or was real. I don't think we are at a point where I can figure that out. I just have to let it go. After getting off the phone with him last night I almost said a habitual "love you", because it felt so much like old times. We were sharing frustrations that come with taking D shopping. I dealt with it last week with Halloween costumes, he dealt with it yesterday with party dresses. I wish I could be stoic and robotic right now. For the first time in my life, I really wish I just couldn't feel. I feel too deeply--always. And just a look from him can send me swooning or running. The amazing thing is how quickly he can change that look. I am was an easy target. I'm learning to not be so vulnerable and to set boundaries and stick to them, regardless of how much I want to believe the excuses.
When I'm not hating him, I am loving him. It is a rare moment when I actually feel indifferent towards him, and usually that is when I am out socializing and doing things I know he never would have done with me. That is why GAL is my saving grace right now.
My next week looks full of outings. Of course Job Search takes top priority--but I will definitely get out and have fun.
Last edited by mustardseed; 11/05/1506:56 PM.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
