last night W took S6 to a cooking class. I was at home with my other S. Before she left she give me the list of my share of bills. She is going to be away for a couple of days so I thought I could just put it off till the next day and I would deposit the money myself. She comes home and demands the check now...it turns into a discussion again about money. I couldn't log in to the account and was angry was loosing my cool because my password wasn't working .
Anyway W logs in and let me look at the account . I have questions just like every time, and she feels like I am accusing her of stealing. She just wants me to write a check with no questions. I told her I wont do that, if I am writing a check then I am going to see where my money is going.
She got all teary eyed. I reassured her that I didn't think she was stealing. I validated her feeling on it.
She just doesn't see how her wanting a separation would cause me to be cautious with what ever she does. A bill wasn't paid in full and I asked about that, she said its going to be late. I told her that is not how I would do it. I would pay the bill. Then I said stuff about budgets instead of flying by the seat of our pants. She was not interested in a budget. she has stuff she wants to spend on and if a bill doesn't get paid right away too bad. Even with my money in a separate account I cant get bills paid. They are in her name, but still, she thinks she is entitled to this lifestyle with or with out money.
She won a contest for free house listing. She wants to list the house. She is on a mission now, she is looking at houses online and contacting agents.
I have been down this road with her before, once she starts there is no stopping it. she wants her share of the equity out of the house. She can see that with out the equity she has no money to move out. No money to pay a L.
If she as much effort into saving the MR we would be better off. Winning the free listing has put this in overdrive. Even before a separation agreement. Before telling the kids.
This is where I stand. You don't list a house until you know you can buy another one. You need to get preapproved for buying another one, or you are just wasting time. I went through this with her before, we were not approved yet, but she still went full steam ahead looking at houses, wasting the agents time for months. Wasting my time for months. It was painful to see all these houses that we could not buy. To look at something that was out of reach.
Ultimately her parents agreed to be the bank and we bought this house that we have now and we can barely afford it. They should of said no to us, I should have said no to buying it.
She is starting that cycle again. One word stops it...NO. I will have to be strong. Things need to happen in certain order for a reason.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
I get my Wife in a good place before she goes on her two night work conference. I don't want to give her any reason to be mad at me before she goes on that trip. Yes that is fear from me, based on insecurities that she will be in an alcohol party environment. I don't want to give her a reason to cheat on me.
Quick reminder. Nothing you do or don't do can control your Ws behavior. There is no justification for cheating. PERIOD. If she wants to cheat, she can easily manufacture an excuse in her head. You are still letting Ws crazy dictate your behavior. Let go, man.
Vise I am a little confused. Why would you tell her she cant look at a new house. She plans on moving without you correct?
If she is focused on this and you are going to stand in her way then this may not get you the results you want. My W went into overdrive the month before she moved. All i could do was get out of the way. I am in first week without her and I must say that it is very difficult. I thought i was through a lot of the the feelings i am going through again.
I also know that she made bad financial decisions regarding her move and am afraid for her, but this is her journey and she needs to do this alone. My opinion does not matter. I was a fixer and tried to provide everything to the extent that it made her feel resentment towards me because she did not get to do things herself.
I think you need t just focus on what you will be doing in the future with her on a mission like she is.
Yes it will hurt more, but I think you are going through this part either way.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
This is where I am at, I am still looking at what she does and it is affecting what I do. I can not control her. I can control what I do. I decided I an not going to get into a fight with her right now over anything trivial.
The mood at home has been good, we had a discussion over finances, but I thought it was there was validating. I am stay true to my boundaries and at the same time trying to keep the interactions pleasant.
I am having a hard time letting go.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
You are right I cant tell her to not look at houses, but I can tell her I am not ready to sell the house I am in right now. She plans on moving out with out me. I need my ducks in an order first. I thought we would have had a S agreement first before she would want to sell. We have no custody agreement yet. It seems she is wanting to skip that step. But I think she sees it a taking money out of the equity to pay for the L to get all that.
I don't know what she is thinking, she is like a fish out of water, all over the place. She is not telling me anything.
So If I understand your sit you still live in the family home and your W moved out?
W wants to move out and own a house that is big enough ect with a long list of everything she wants. She is not going to move out for the sake of moving out. She is only going to be able to buy what she can afford. This is the same cycle from before, then when she cant get what she wants she will go to her parents for help.
I have not said anything to my W about it yet, I am waiting for her to come to me. A while back she mentioned she wanted me to fix up all the problems with the house to get it ready for sale. I am working on fixing my credit and seeing where I stand for getting a place on my own, I can't afford to keep the house on my own.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
OK, just my .02-you're thinking about gifts while she's looking at a new house that she can ONLY afford if you sell your house and give her (at least) half the profit I assume? A house that you DO NOT WANT to sell now? Don't sell the house. Tell her you don't want to sell the house now. What's the big deal? She'll be pissed? She's pissed any way. Do not sell that house if you don't want to. Please tell me I misread what you wrote and that's not even on the table now. Please. I'd tell her she can do what ever she wants to do, stay, leave, buy a houseboat, you don't care. You have no desire to sell YOUR house yet. That's it. When she starts yelling at you you can validate that she may feel frustration but don't validate that you are stopping her from fulfilling herself or whatever she hurls at you. BTW-what did you validate when she started crying that you thought she was stealing? Was it her feelings that she thinks you distrust her (ie I can see it hurts you thinking that I don't trust you or that must be difficult to feel) or did you validate her by denying you think she's stealing? I ask because she is frickin stealing. Sorry but I'm freaking out on you that you are trying to figure out how to change her mind as you simply allow her to dictate to you what you will do. Look dude, she's been planning this for months/years-she has a plan, and right now, you're kinda adhering to it. As you haven't been planning this, you have more balls in the air. Emotions/credit/finance/GAL etc. whereas she just needs you to sell the house so she can move on. There is nothing wrong with you saying that the BD was a wakeup call to you and that you realize that vise needed to grow and that you are your focus now. Her need to sell the house isn't even on the list. Then go to the gym. Unless, like I said, I read you wrong OR you really just want to sell the house.
I don't want to sell or move right now. And from my understanding I don't have to if I don't want to yet. I think she is using this as an escape from what is happening. She says to other people that I am forcing her to sell because I am not letting her rent out the basement to students. She wants me to walk away with out getting paid my share of the equity and just let her and the kids live in the house, while I go live in an apartment somewhere nearby. She want the S she can move out. I don't even know how that is even an option in her head. If one person moves out the other person buys them out. She wants us to try it and she wants to see if she misses me and if she want D or not.
I am staying in the house, I am rebuilding my credit, I am looking out what is best for me and the kids. The sale of the house is not on the table yet but she has been asking me about it and has been talking to relators and looking at going to open houses on her own.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
Whatever genius put together the pop psychology book that made that dumb@ss "you move and maybe I'll miss you" suggestion should be publicly beaten for crimes against humanity's intellect. Stupid crap like this really makes it easier to detach though. I find idiocy just repulsive.
just to let you know. I am still in our house. I know she could not afford to stay there. I am trying my best to keep the kids with as much as they are used to as possible. In our separation agreement it states that i will have to pay her equity on the house. I had the language drawn up where i can make payments to her. i also added in that if i am not able to afford those payments then we are to sell the house. I also added that this will not begin until the D is final if that is the path that is taken.
I agree with you and think the Sep agreement is the first place to start.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
