Wife was very cold, withdrawn, and closed off. when I spoke all I got from her was eye rolls and dismissiveness.
When I tried to touch her, I got revulsion from her. She cringed and used any excuse for me to stop (some of my favorites were: I smelled funny, my gentle touch hurt her, my scratchy beard (2-day stubble)) - well you get it.
It seamed like nothing I did was good enough. no matter how hard I tried, it wasn't something she wanted, she refused acts of service constantly from me.
She avoided any sort of activity that you could possibly consider a date (tons of excuses, usually wanted to 'save money' or didn't want to bother anyone for a sitter). Also she used the 'didn't want to give me the wrong idea' about activities together.
Sex was so sparce, at best. When it did happen it was horrible. no fore-play, no kissing, no Connection AT ALL. she even cried once when she tried. That set off the longest dry spell between us...that the only time we tried in about 14 months. It sort of destroyed my confidence and self-esteem. When it did happen it was usually liquor induced). As for esteem, it has taken a long time for me to get that back (and in bed, still not there because of lack of real practice still). We have had sex 10 times since beginning of feb (not a complaint really, just not a ton of practice to get back to a fully functioning man if you get my drift).
Biggest issue was that wife was just not engaged in our family, that included the interaction with the kids and the work around the house. She didn't cook or clean or be helpful. She missed tons of the kids activities for her being withdrawn. (now I will give her some slack here because for 30 months she went back to school so a lot of that was due to full time job and then school - but not all of it). But there were tons of times I would say, I want to take the kids here or there and she just didn't go with, like weekends away or to museums or what-evers.
There were so many other things that were off-putting, like telling people that she liked the idea of an irish divorce (living together as a family but separate rooms, talking to guys in a group about sexual stuff - like if we were kids in college or something). There were times she even stayed in the guest bedroom (due to not being able to sleep).
She missed and ran away from things like holiday gifts and no sort of recognition of anniversary or valentines or my birthdays. She would really not 'like' any of the gifts I did get her.
I think I've said it before, I would say for almost 12-18 months, she would have been considered Wayward by all that I have read here. her behaviors and space-creating outbursts towards me were so UUGH. Things FEEL different now and there is certainly none of those behaviors now.
Lets be honest I don't know why I stayed or why she didn't leave. Maybe I was too afraid. Maybe I just wanted my kids and used that as a reason. maybe she was cake-eating because of great provider and father. otherwise, I was a miserable excuse for a man back then, and it showed with her lack of respect and compassion for me.
To be honest, I am not even sure if she didn't have a full blown affair during that time that could have ended around the end of last year (by the swing in attitude - IDK, and honestly if she came out and told me tomorrow, I would not be the least bit surprised by it, I was so head in the sand back then, I wouldn't have seen it in front of my eyes). the trips, the lack of transparency and communication...could be that it did happen. It would also explain so much of her attitude towards things like counseling now or her unwillingness to discuss herself.
On that note, there was a conversation we had a few months ago, where it told her that I felt like there was something between us that I could not put a finger on (at the time I thought it was the friendship). she was silent for it felt like an hour but was 5 minutes where she contemplated what to say next...could have been anything, but maybe that is what it was, WHO KNOWS). I cannot force my wife to be open with me. I can only hope that she will be more and more open as days pass.
Hope that is enough, I don't mind too much going back. it actually gives me some more hope for a better future, we are definitely in a better place than we were a year ago, and likely just about as good if not better friends than anytime in the last decade. SO THERE IS HOPE FOR THE FUTURE for me and for you guys. I will say, you are all WAAAAY better prepared for this $hit than I ever was back then...I didn't find this site until about 3+ years after the first "I'm not happy" I got from her way back when and I wandered around aimlessly as a result.
