I read your words and I can just remember the time fear was the only feeling I had in my heart growing up with my father.
I prayed for his death many times when I was a kid. He did not die but instead I had to learn the hard way to be a strong person.
For every bad stuff that happen in our lives, there is a good thing that will develop inside us. Maybe because I am a believer of God, I see that our trials are just steps to grow our spirit and learn deeply about ourselves.
The whole torture you went through will be better used if you start facing it as a learning process, a PHD degree in Life University.
It's not any kind of advice V, it is just what I learned living different situations. The best thing when turmoil is upon us, is to stop for a few minutes and see what is the positive in all of this.
I know it is hard, but there are small treasures in life that means more then any big ones. You have the power to turn things around, if it hurts is because you are feeling and learning. At some point you will look at yourself and say "Yes, I am V, with good and bad, but I am V and to hell everything and everyone that don't like it, there are plenty that like and I choose to respect and live my life in my own meanings".
Maybe it is just a gray zone right now, resolving so many issues that can't be put aside, but your time will came and peace will be inside of you.
My father did traumatize my mom and sisters and brother and myself, but I do no wish to have his same end. Alone, sick, and living with a big wound inside his heart trying to catch up with life and love. He died with nothing, knowing that he lost a lot and wanting it all.
My mom by other hand, had a rough very bad two years after finally declaring her independency, she had psychiatric help after I insist so much she needed to "clean the house" as I said. She faced her own demons and got to meet a very pleasant lady, with a heart bigger then herself.
She does not want anyone in her life, I know she will love my father to her grave, but she is in peace with herself and has a big desire to live, love, feel gorgeous, be a girl, help others, laugh and dance.
Life is hard now, but remember that time won't stop and it will be better tomorrow. You decide when you are ready to let go on all this hell. You are V, just V, and that alone is enough reason to be happy.
I know there are gaps, weight to lose, house to clean, work to do, but there is V too, and the best of it is that no one will ever tell you what to do or push you around anymore.
You got it girl, have a bad day, cry, scream, cry a little more and then emerge from the ashes and be the woman only fools would not want around.
We love you V, we are here for you. You deserve better and we can say this until our fingers fall off, but it is only you that will decide when enough is enough and face it heads up, just being V.
Love, hugs, big love, big hugs, a good British cup of tea and more love, more hugs... are you feeling better, did I get a smile by now? If not, a tiny piece of cheese... and here we go, I bet I got a smile. Now, look at yourself, set your goals, navigate the stormy ocean and be proud that you will emerge strong in the other side.
