You know as you mention it, I could see it being frustration. I just can't seem to remain as calm as I used to, get easily ruffled, and lash out a bit, meaning I would say something or take an action only to regret it a little bit later. This has been a problem for some time, and it is building a sense of guilt in me, because I never considered myself to be this way. I will keep your suggestion in mind, and begin being conscious of it, hopefully I can begin better dealing with everything. My mother this morning told me that what she sees is that I am suffering double, I am suffering due to what is happening in my life and my situation, but also suffering because I don't want to feel this way, so I fight my emotions or shame myself for feeling this way. I don't like to portray myself as being weak, or not in control.
Azz,
That is a great question. My honest answer is that it will hurt me tremendously, but I don't know what it would mean to me. Seeing that I have for the majority of my younger days been a cheater, I don't feel right judging her, for something I have been guilty of. At the same time, I have changed a lot during this marriage, and have done everything to rectify this problem, so I might feel like staying away would be what's best for me. The fact that we have children, makes it difficult for me to just not think about speaking to her, or maybe that's an excuse I tell myself. So in short (I know, too late) I don't know how I would react, I guess I would have to cross that bridge when I get there. The fear of it happening, the thoughts of her being with someone else, the sense of competition, of someone having her but me, are what kills me.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
