History Repeats Itself - Am I a Fool or What

[sandi2]

We went to several MC that ended up in disaster – as she got very offended and denied ever having an affair with OM. At one point she even told the counselor that she was fill of it to suggest that she had to stop being friends with OM. We stop counseling and she and I never brought up OM again.

Help me see your rationale here. You knew your W was not going to stop being "friends" with OM, so you both stopped going to the MC and you never bring up OM again. What did you think would happen?

Since about the beginning of 2015, things appeared to really improve. We started to go on dates more, spend more time together at night and recently (the last four months) have starting being intimate with each other. She even brought up the talk about maybe having another kid in a year or two.

Again I have to ask, what did you think would happen, or had happened, with OM? If you knew she was not going to end things with OM, where did you think he fit in to this relationship? Had you resigned to live in an openM? Maybe I missed something.

At this point, I am assuming that the marriage is restored as things are going great.

You assumed. Did you assume b/c the two of you did not actually discuss it?

Now I am lost. I am still in shock, denial – but I am fighting those emotional tendencies to just loose it. The reality is, she is still having an affair with OM, even if it is just an EA. I am hurting bad inside and just don’t know what to think of the situation at the moment.

. Sorry you went through this again. I think you may have answered my questions above. You must have been in denial.

Interesting conversation this evening. My W wanted her dad to come over Wednesday night and stay until Sunday. Keep in mine that she has only known him for two or three months now. For almost each week her dad has been spending the night on Friday and Saturday. I told my W that I don't mind her dad coming over and staying, but he is not going to stay at the house alone while everyone is at work. She got offended and asked me why. I told her that I was just being cautious and that at the end of the day, we've only known her dad for a few months and that it takes time to build trust. She responded that her dad would never hurt us and I told her that she if probably right but that I am just looking out for the family. She then broke out in tears and told me to leave her alone for the rest of her night.

I don't think I was unreasonable but I did the right thing and left her alone/gave her the space she wanted without any protest. I am sure she will probably call her dad or text OM for comfort - grrh

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You did the right thing. Your job is to protect your family and the home. This man is basically a stranger. You can't just turn him lose in your home.

Look, I am not a professional counselor, but I think your W seriously needs therapy. Not b/c she has mental problems, but b/c of her childhood trauma. She missed having her parents, and witnessed her mother killed. She missed having her daddy while she was a little girl. She probably grew up fantasizing about him being Ward Clever, and now she is replaying some of the childhood times she missed out with him (laying in his lap, etc.). She is sensitive and defensive (especially with you) b/c she wants him to be some kind of great daddy who has come back into her life. I think this could put blinders overs her eyes. The man may be fine, but there has not been enough time, yet, to know for sure.

She will see your attempts, at protection against him, as you being against her father. She will fight you and take sides with him, b/c she may feel that you are trying to keep her from her dad, just as the prison had done.

This is a fragile situation.