It seems like your frustrated. In my anger management counseling sessions I learned that frustration is an rung on the ladder of anger. When you yell at the kids it is anger. After anger comes rage. Let's get you managing the emotion better before it gets to that.
I learned the best tool for anger management is mindfulness. Take a step away from the anger look at it from inside you head. Observe it, acknowledge it then let go of it. I was taught if you don't act on the building anger and start to actively observe it for 90 seconds the anger will dissipate. In the beginning I may take longer but that's the idea. I now see my frustration building and observe that. I nip the anger in the bud before it even develops.
If you want to join Karate again or take boxing do so but that will not be as effective a tool as anger management. Meditation helped me a lot with my manage anger. Just saying.
This trip has definitely had an effect on me. The wondering what she is doing, if she is with him, etc. I just don't understand why I am so hung up on this. I am trying to get passed this. It is hard to GAL right now, while I am watching the kids, but I am noticing that this is all affecting me.
I have shorter patience, especially with my kids, I tend to scream at them, my oldest is also being affected by this, as he has expressed how he wants to go home, and doesn't want to come with me, he sometimes says things that hurt, and I express that he shouldn't say that, but I know he is a child and has no filter, it doesn't mean he means what he says, it just hurts at times, because I don't want this for them or myself.
I am again angry, it builds up in me. I don't lash out at my wife, and my kids, its mostly at myself and internal dialogue. I may need to join one of those classes where I beat on a pillow or something. Thinking I should join Karate again or take boxing.
I am going to re-read "NMMNG"; seems like I have a lot of maturing to do in this department. I need to some coping strategies to stop from thinking about her and what she is doing. Does anyone have any thoughts? I really need the help. I am tired of feeling this way.
God Bless
Im not trying to be a jerk, and I understand if youd like to ignore this question.
How do things change for you if she is sleeping with OM?
You know as you mention it, I could see it being frustration. I just can't seem to remain as calm as I used to, get easily ruffled, and lash out a bit, meaning I would say something or take an action only to regret it a little bit later. This has been a problem for some time, and it is building a sense of guilt in me, because I never considered myself to be this way. I will keep your suggestion in mind, and begin being conscious of it, hopefully I can begin better dealing with everything. My mother this morning told me that what she sees is that I am suffering double, I am suffering due to what is happening in my life and my situation, but also suffering because I don't want to feel this way, so I fight my emotions or shame myself for feeling this way. I don't like to portray myself as being weak, or not in control.
Azz,
That is a great question. My honest answer is that it will hurt me tremendously, but I don't know what it would mean to me. Seeing that I have for the majority of my younger days been a cheater, I don't feel right judging her, for something I have been guilty of. At the same time, I have changed a lot during this marriage, and have done everything to rectify this problem, so I might feel like staying away would be what's best for me. The fact that we have children, makes it difficult for me to just not think about speaking to her, or maybe that's an excuse I tell myself. So in short (I know, too late) I don't know how I would react, I guess I would have to cross that bridge when I get there. The fear of it happening, the thoughts of her being with someone else, the sense of competition, of someone having her but me, are what kills me.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
That is a great question. My honest answer is that it will hurt me tremendously, but I don't know what it would mean to me. Seeing that I have for the majority of my younger days been a cheater, I don't feel right judging her, for something I have been guilty of. At the same time, I have changed a lot during this marriage, and have done everything to rectify this problem, so I might feel like staying away would be what's best for me. The fact that we have children, makes it difficult for me to just not think about speaking to her, or maybe that's an excuse I tell myself. So in short (I know, too late) I don't know how I would react, I guess I would have to cross that bridge when I get there. The fear of it happening, the thoughts of her being with someone else, the sense of competition, of someone having her but me, are what kills me.
For what it's worth, here's my thoughts.
You arent going to ever KNOW whether she did or she didnt. If you DO find out, it's going to be a long time from now, and the details likely wont matter to you anymore.
In my opinion, the level of physical waywardness doesnt matter that much. The mindset is the same whether she's chatting, kissing, or sleeping with him. But, I certainly respect that there may be some differences to people; that there are some lines that they just cant accept being crossed.
What really helped me was expecting the worst. I assumed that she WAS sleeping with OM, and figured out my reactions based on that. I think that you and your WW have a lot more contact than I had with mine, so Im not sure how all of that will play out for you going forward. But, I kinda think things will be a lot easier on you if you think she HAS slept with OM and hasnt than vice versa.
I honestly understand where you are coming from. The mindset is indeed the same, for me I guess I put more stock on the physical aspect. I know that to many there is also that emotional level which they can't accept.
I really need to begin preparing myself for the worst, and assuming it has happened. I don't know how to begin that process. I have an obsessive character, I tend to obsess about everything I am doing when I am passionate about something. I am so tired of feeling this way, having such a hard time disconnecting or even knowing if I am taking he right actions.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
Another day, in which I am working through my emotions, working on PMA. I have written 3 pages worth of feelings and thoughts into my journal this morning. I am trying to become objective in all of this, I am guilty of glorifying my past, placing my wife on a pedestal. As of now, it is as if she can't do no wrong, no matter what she has been doing, has done, I seem to want to excuse her actions and words, as well as take on blame and guilt.
The feelings of jealousy and inferiority are strong sometimes. I have been reciting my affirmations, and visualizing my future every morning, just so that I can continue to look forward as oppose to backwards, but yet, there is this magnetism that draws you back. Of course, I know that I shouldn't be comparing myself, feeling inferior, because I am not beneath or above anyone else, but can't seem to shake these feelings at times.
Wife texts me yesterday, saying she wants to speak to the boys and to let her know when I am home. I told her the time, she says she will be taking a power nap before her dinner plans, but never called. I don't plan on bringing anything up, but these are the type of things that hurt and I can't help feel some kind of way about.
I am just hoping I can get pass this as soon as possible, I know slow and steady, but feeling this way, it hurts a lot. I have to remind myself that God has a plan that involves a much better life than the one I am leading now.
God Bless
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
I am very livid this morning. I received a text from my wife telling me that she has changed her flight, because she went out last night and was too tired this morning. She had no consideration for whether I had any plans and more importantly about seeing her kids. We got into a heated discussion about it, in which she tells me that we are enemies, she doesn't care about me or respects me. This doesn't seem to bother her at all when she is asking or accepting my help....
I really don't know where to go from here. I am really disliking this situation and I am hurt and angry at the moment. I will begin becoming unavailable, as I have been. I will stop trying to be her hero or accommodating her with her requests. It astonishes me just how you go from loving and caring for one another to being this person who says that they don't care either way what we are.
I honestly have to work on my boundaries and not showing emotions. Not letting her rile me up so much, or caring what she is doing. I am seriously very shocked and so upset over this. I am ashamed of myself for allowing my self-respect and self-worth to be so little, especially since being friends or being married means so little to her.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
Don't beat yourself around the bushes. What is done is done as I'm afraid there isn't a lot you can do.
What you could do next time she wants to go out is tell her that you have other plans and you can't do it. My H is trying the same but he now knows that I won't accept all his demands.
Thank you Rouky. I have been thinking that myself. She expects me to pick up the kids tomorrow night because she has another trip. I will be telling her that she could drop them off in the morning on her way out. I have been accommodating her too much in my opinion.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
Is tomorrow night picking up alder easy arranged? If it is I'd not change it, in my case H sent me a TM 1day before he was to due to pick up kids saying he couldn't have the kids, I said that it wasn't possible as I had already made plans (a coupe of times he did this to me and I dropped the kids were he was staying, so he knows I'd do it again). He tried to find sitter but couldn't make it, do he te-arranged his time.
Today got another TM to ask if he couldn't have the kids next Sat as he needs to work and if I didn't have any plans.
So stick to your guns. She needs to know that she can't fall back on you everytime it suits her!
