Working on improving Ghost

[ATPeace]

Need a quick bit of advice

My W said to me today what are you doing the weekend of the 14th November. Currently I have little to no plans she said then would I mind if she booked in for a training course both days not sleep over in London


No this just means me looking after my children which I do not mind doing but I just feel I am being used for her benefit

Any advice if I say no then I am controlling and she feels this already anyway

[Fogg]

You're over thinking this Ghost, your fear is stepping in also. I can see where your mind is going with it because it's exactly where my mind would go in the past. She's furthering her job which will allow her to financially leave in the future. You also don't like that she will be sleeping over somewhere you can't check up on so have no clue what she will be doing. I understand the fears, I do.

Your going to have periods where you will watch the kids a little more and othet tines less to work around work schedules. She's trying to give you about 2 weeks notice, I see nothing wrong with it. It's only an issue of her using you if it's completely unbalanced on a long term schedule.

[ATPeace]

My sitch I first thought she wanted out because she felt I was not there for her and the kids did nt spend enough time with them now I realise it is because she felt cohesive abused and controlled within the relationship

She tells me she is not changing her mind I would still do anything to win her back she knows this

I just feel there is no chance of getting her back

[Fogg]

We all have that feeling our S's will never come back. I go back and forth daily/weekly of seeing huge positives to then being in that it will never effect the final outcome.

We also had a feeling long ago they would never leave us. Feelings change so no reason to become stuck in that fear of her always wanting this. Accept both posibilities could happen and work toward not needing either to live happy.

[sandi2]

I realise it is because she felt cohesive abused and controlled within the relationship

Has she said you were abusive? Do you think you abused her?

[ATPeace]

Sandi2 I mentioned in a previous post that I had found out she had been reading a book about controlling abusive men and understanding them and she had hi lighted many sections

Do I feel at the time I was bing abusive ..no I did not see it but on reflection I can see why she would feel this way .

I have self enrolled on a program for abusive men I really did not feel I fitted in to this group that everyone else in the group seemed far worse than myself but when they showed me something called the power and control model of an abusive relationship I can see areas that I did do this and I feel ashamed to admit it and more ashamed that I did not realise I was doing this.






Do you want some examples ?

[ATPeace]

The program that I am on is about changing me to be a better person to recognise when I have gone wrong to better myself

[Ancaire]

I'm proud of you for taking that step, Ghost! Especially if something in the program really seemed to fit you. As you learn and grow n the class, you're going to start incorporating those changes into your daily life. This is an EXCELLENT step, Ghost!

You may not be abusive, but being controlling is really an awful trait. It's really hard to live with. I'm so excited for you. Be sure and keep updating us as far as what you're learning about yourself as the class progresses.

Let me say it again...I am so PROUD OF YOU for taking the initiative to enroll in a class you weren't too sure about on the off-chance your W was right. Huge progress. Way to go, Ghost!

[ATPeace]

Thank you it was very strange being there when I first turned up I though no I do not belong here I felt I was in a room full of people wh I would not associate with normally very clearly low income men who perhaps had been abusive to their partners....I though I did not fit in here.

The group had 7 others four of them were there because they had been violent to their partners and had been told they have to go on this program. It was quite humbling listening to them talk ....when it got to my turn to talk about why I was there I found myself breaking down and crying in front of 7 strangers and the two people running the group.

One of the guys bought me over some tissue which I thought was really nice and then at the end of the session one if the other guys came I've and shook my hand so for me to pre judge them was wrong ...was very wrong.

I am still reading no more Mr nice guy and the book is proving to be helpful it might be a book I have to revisit to pick up more information each time I re read sections

Vanilla told me that I should look in the mirror every day and smile start making changes to me ...for me ....

My kids are my world I have left hem down by not being there for them enough I will not make this mistake again

[sandi2]

We're you able to talk to the group?

What are the examples you have in being abusive?