I called someone and had a long chat about the whole situation
The person I called was married to a man who has been like a mentor to my husband for as long as we have been together (18 years).
I know this man had had his own struggles with depression, and it had gotten so bad that he had committed suicide about a year and a half ago. We went to his funeral. My husband was devastated and I don't think he's even begun to process how he feels about it all.
We talked for about 3 hours. It was such a relief to talk to someone who was so non judgemental and so open.
I discovered that so many of the things my husband has said to me are *exactly* the same things as this man said to his wife, practically word for word.
I understand the importance of timing in getting help for my husband. It needs to be at the point where he just can't carry on with this super adrenaline fuelled existence and he collapses. There's a point of stillness in there, a lull, where he will be most receptive to help (not from me, but from a medical professional, a psychotherapist).
Looking back, I have already seen that moment. It was the last time he collapsed and was hospitalised just over three years ago now.
Unfortunately, this time he's removed himself from me, so I'm only dimly aware of where he is at.
Don't know if any of that makes sense.
Today is a day of treading water for me, and getting some everyday things done. I realise that I can find strength in just living and keeping things ticking over. So that is my plan.
