V is for Vanilla 24

[Vanilla]

Vanilla

I hope you are getting the support you provide so selflessly to others.

I am loved and supported.


I do not have your wisdom to impart, but I am deeply concerned about the physical toll this has taken on you.

A year ago I knew very little of this stuff and certainly didn't understand it..

As I mentioned, I was in a very controlling and abusive (occasionally physical) relationship close to 20 years ago.

You did and it's troubling even historically. WH didn't ever hit me but he pushed me around and flat fist punched me. He manhandled me , threatened and intimidated me..

The nightmares still occur although they are very infrequent.

Are they flashback dreams, vivid dreams? Real? Mine are so real I wake feeling it's actually happening.

For me, the hardest part was understanding why on earth I allowed someone to treat me that way. Allowing someone to treat me that way went against my own intellect and feminist views and I was mad at myself for allowing it to go on for so long and for being that "weak" and naive person.

I wished I understood the importance of strong boundaries. It would have made a difference.

I don't know if perhaps you feel similar?

Yes I do.

Do you ever look at it the way I just described...not intellectually, but deep down?

I feel very deeply and then next time I am numb, it makes little sense, other than in the context of PTSD and I never want to see WH again.

If so, have you forgiven yourself for that lapse of internal strength?

No, I haven't, although I will get nearer resolution and acceptance. I need to D.

Also, Do you look and think of your body with love and kindness? (For example, instead of referring to an injured leg as the "bad" leg you refer to it as the right leg. )

No, I see a very fat, balding ugly person. Sometimes I see my face and it isn't me. I dissociate. mainly my body carries my mind around. The things I like about me is that I haven't fine mind, although I seem like I am tackling things, some stuff gets parked.

I just hope that you are able use the advise you give to others on your own wonderful self.

Julie, I do now, it's taken a lot of effort to understand things and recognise them, in some ways I have to be careful now that I am not too blunt or direct with others.