Triangulation (Differences between WAHs and WAWs 4

[JulieH]

No anger today. Just complete sadness and remorse. I was thinking about how husband always accepted me for who I was. He never controlled me or tried to change me.

Our fights were usually because I would get angry because he was sleeping late, or I was upset because he was always late, or because I felt like he didn't spend enough time with us. Or he would take too long going on errands. I wish I just accepted him. I could have used other tools to communicate and I didnt. Instead I blamed him and criticized him and resented him for everything difficult in my life after the kids were born. I was too critical and did not appreciate the many great things he did for us. I didn't appreciate his honesty and loyalty and love for us. I was pretty selfish as well. It is easy for me to say this about him, but I am sick thinking of some of my own pretty selfish and negligent behaviors.

Then he became withdrawn and angry and depressed and unhappy and just threw himself into work and it was too late. He was not abusive at all and he still is not. he just did not and does not want to be around me. He felt so depressed with me he said he didn't even want to live. He even said he could have forgiven an affair but not how I was to him.

I feel bad, because he became someone he is not. He will lose his children, and a large part of his finances (he worked so hard to earn his very difficult degree). Right now my family sees him as being the horrible one, because he left us for them to support and has been providing the minimum. He is going out and going away and They are right it is not fair. But there is more to it then that.

I am sad because I want my changes to be for him and not for another man. I don't want anyone else. I want him back. I was always drawn to love stories like Wuthering Heights, Gone with the Wind, or the Painted Veil in which the heroine does not appreciate her husband/friend until it is too late. It's scary how this seems to be happening. (Kitty is my favorite heroine because she actually grows)

I especially feel bad that my husband has suffered and will continue to suffer. I Wish he could trust and love me again and be willing to work on our relationship because I feel like I could make him happy now but could not before. I know there is absolutely nothing I can do anymore. He is gone and I feel great guilt and remorse.

Anger was easier because it gave me a false righteousness and made it so I did not have to admit my flaws to myself. Now I am looking in the mirror and realizing some pretty bad things about myself.

I want so Badly to call him and apologize, but I know I can't because it will look like pursual. I think now it's in my heart to revisit the letter I will give to him.