Triangulation (Differences between WAHs and WAWs 4

[JulieH]

Have a friend who has a husband that is dying of cancer. They struggled a lot through their marriage. I feel horrible for them.

It made me think about how I do love my husband, and I would have stuck with him through any illness or sickness or injury or hardship ( I did in the past). I had my issues, but I was completely loyal to him. No matter how miserable we were, I never would have left him. In my mind it was not ever an option.

He is different and wants out of our marriage. Does not want to work towards reconciliation and wants to move on. I understand his reasons. He is right in many ways. I wish I could go back and make changes when he was committed to us.

I have no hope anymore and realize that this is it. I am sad. I often have to think about how awful he was to me, so that I could move on and convince myself that this is for the best.

[Ancaire]

Hi Julie - I understand. You are aware my H is an abusive butt-head? I would take him back in an instant and forgive him everything. Should I? Absolutely not. But I would, I know it.

My point is focusing on the bad to move on might help a little, but I'm learning it's not the best approach. Focusing on YOU, however; changing what needs changing, learning all you can, maturing into the person you were meant to be...this focus brings true healing.

Things may be over - for now. Who knows what the future may bring? But right now, he's gone. So you have a once in a lifetime opportunity to self-examine like never before, and learn how to become the best Julie you can be.

Every time I focus on H, I mentally go to a place that is not healthy for me. When I focus on ME, my hopes, my dreams...life starts to look both frightening and exciting. I don't want to be alone, but figure it's high time I made some new friends.

I'm here with you, Julie. We'll get through this, and be in a great place soon.

[JulieH]

Every time I focus on H, I mentally go to a place that is not healthy for me. When I focus on ME, my hopes, my dreams...life starts to look both frightening and exciting. I don't want to be alone, but figure it's high time I made some new friends.

This is a great point, and I have been realizing the same thing. I find myself focusing less on him and it is easier mentally. Now I have to move on. I feel stagnant, because now husband and I have to proceed legally. I have to be careful with everything. At least this is on to step 2. Step 1 was waiting for him to decide if he wanted to work on reconciliation.

I long for male companionship. I want that distraction and excitement and something to look forward to. I know it's too early and I am supposed to focus on me and do work on me. I wish it could be husband, but This is his choice and I have been thinking about a quote in someone else's post that said "in love I take no hostages". If husband does not want to be with me, then I will find someone that actually does. I contributed, but trust me his flaws were numerous as well.

[JulieH]

No anger today. Just complete sadness and remorse. I was thinking about how husband always accepted me for who I was. He never controlled me or tried to change me.

Our fights were usually because I would get angry because he was sleeping late, or I was upset because he was always late, or because I felt like he didn't spend enough time with us. Or he would take too long going on errands. I wish I just accepted him. I could have used other tools to communicate and I didnt. Instead I blamed him and criticized him and resented him for everything difficult in my life after the kids were born. I was too critical and did not appreciate the many great things he did for us. I didn't appreciate his honesty and loyalty and love for us. I was pretty selfish as well. It is easy for me to say this about him, but I am sick thinking of some of my own pretty selfish and negligent behaviors.

Then he became withdrawn and angry and depressed and unhappy and just threw himself into work and it was too late. He was not abusive at all and he still is not. he just did not and does not want to be around me. He felt so depressed with me he said he didn't even want to live. He even said he could have forgiven an affair but not how I was to him.

I feel bad, because he became someone he is not. He will lose his children, and a large part of his finances (he worked so hard to earn his very difficult degree). Right now my family sees him as being the horrible one, because he left us for them to support and has been providing the minimum. He is going out and going away and They are right it is not fair. But there is more to it then that.

I am sad because I want my changes to be for him and not for another man. I don't want anyone else. I want him back. I was always drawn to love stories like Wuthering Heights, Gone with the Wind, or the Painted Veil in which the heroine does not appreciate her husband/friend until it is too late. It's scary how this seems to be happening. (Kitty is my favorite heroine because she actually grows)

I especially feel bad that my husband has suffered and will continue to suffer. I Wish he could trust and love me again and be willing to work on our relationship because I feel like I could make him happy now but could not before. I know there is absolutely nothing I can do anymore. He is gone and I feel great guilt and remorse.

Anger was easier because it gave me a false righteousness and made it so I did not have to admit my flaws to myself. Now I am looking in the mirror and realizing some pretty bad things about myself.

I want so Badly to call him and apologize, but I know I can't because it will look like pursual. I think now it's in my heart to revisit the letter I will give to him.

[Ancaire]

Julie, I apologized to my H. I did it for me, because I felt so awful. Like you, I took a good hard look at my own behavior and was really upset with myself for things I did that led us to this point. He bears some responsibility, sure; but, my part in our friendship dying was not insignificant. I was critical, cranky, irritated with him because I thought he should be able to read my mind. ML became a rarity, and it is something he craves to feel good about himself.

I just told him I'd been thinking about things. I clearly saw my part in our M falling apart. I never meant to hurt him or disappoint him. If I had it to do all over again, I would make different choices.

He didn't fall over in gratitude, and it didn't change our situation. My personal belief is that if I've harmed someone in any way, I need to accept responsibility, apologize, and make amends if possible. H won't let me make amends right now, but who knows what the future will bring? My soul settled down dramatically after I apologized.

If the only thing you do is offer your H a sincere apology, I don't believe that's considered pursuit.

[JulieH]

Had my first appt with IC today. I'm not sure what to think. Basically spent the session crying and telling her what's been going on. She seemed young, sweet, and empathetic. Had a nice shiny engagement and wedding ring so probably recently married.

I'm not sure. I don't really have experience with counseling and the referrals I had do not take insurance. I want someone that will be More then just a sounding board and that won't be afraid to tell me what I might not want to hear. She seemed more like a girlfriend, but I don't know. I guess give her a chance. Not much would happen anyway during first session.

during session I focused on all the stuff he did and I felt like I was all over the place. When I spoke with DB coach, questioning and everything was well organized and concise. You can tell the difference.

I feel really guilty right now. After boys were born I was really nasty to my husband. I was not a good wife to him. I wish I could go back and just treat him different, because it was so nice being loved by him then. I miss his love so much. I am nothing to him now. He is so done. He will never come back. I feel like all of this was just false hope. I read divorce busters earlier in our situation but it's like I could not truly understand and implement. Now that I am at the bottom (hopefully...although it could still get worse) I am just starting to get it, and it's too late.

[JulieH]

Just journaling,

Regardless, I have no where to go but move forward but I think that husband leaving is one of 2 things...

1. MLC. Husband was never abusive. His father did this at same age but did
return to family. His career is not where he wanted it to be, and despite good
jobs we just could not get ahead. His dad died a few years ago and he was
having health issues. I was an emotional wreck due to mc and health
issue. We were living in my families house so had lost any connection. (This
is really big and I think the reason we will have no chance of reconciliation).

2. Our marriage really was as awful as he said. We bickered a lot. Had ups and
downs regarding intimacy. Big down after kids. I had postpartum and was just
awful torwards him. I was hypercritical and needy and resentful and never
happy and he just got fed up. I blamed him for everything. Past few years I
could see slow gradual change in him. He just gave up. I always felt mad
because he slept late, was late to everything, and didn't spend
as much time with us as I thought he should. I felt like he viewed and did.
everything as an individual instead of as a family unit.


Regardless of which one, I see no chance anymore. it is no longer, I need space to think. It is, I don't want to work on reconciliation. Space was probably fun for him cause no responsibility. Just has to worry about job. He goes and comes as he pleases.

Why would any man want to be married? I feel hopeless about finding someone else. Who would want someone with children? Their own father didn't want this lifestyle. Why would someone else? I would love another shot at a relationship. I want a companion. Someone to connect with, but I feel like it will be so difficult.

[JulieH]

Ancaire, hope you read this as I didn't want to hijack mustards thread (especially when she was on page 10 )

My husband was not charming at all. Just very very withdrawn. I know he drank at night and could never wake up in morning (had flex hours at work and missed picking kids up 3 x at school at noon). Although he says waking up in am was always a struggle for him even as a teen, I don't know how much he drank at night. I figured it was just a nightcap, but I would be sleeping. i do know he earns a good salary, but never had a lot saved. And he always kind of disappeared for short while. He doesn't live with me anymore, so I don't know if the drinking and hidden bottles was just due to our marital difficulties and just recent. My family thinks it slowly escalated. Neither of his parents drank, but his grandparents on one side were alcoholics.

[Ancaire]

I see it, Julie.

He definitely shows some drinker traits. The problem is discovering if he has to have it, or if he just did it in response to depression. Neither one is exactly healthy, but the person who depends on it to get by tends to be the alcoholic.

Alcoholic or not, drinking too much greatly interferes with a healthy daily life. It is something to keep an eye out for, because of your children. Alcoholics tend to make bad choices. My dad drove all the time while drinking. We were in several car accidents, one of them quite serious. The shows we were allowed to watch because of his bad judgement were disgraceful.

Just keep an eye out, and listen to what your kids have to say if he ever picks them up for a visit. If there is a drinking problem going on, it's kind of easy to spot once you're aware.

[JulieH]

So basically i rarely have any interaction with husband. Every other weekend when he picks and drops kids off and very briefly. The other day we were at event together. He initiated small talk with me quite frequently. I really wasn't in the mood to talk to him. I was polite but not involved at all. A friend told me she is happy that he seems so uncomfortable. I kind of feel like he has already hurt me so what else can possibly be done.

Plus More and more of my thoughts are focused on the idea that he might be right. We will be better off separated. I think about a comment he made to me saying " the most difficult thing for him is what he stands to lose financially". And I think to myself after 14 years together and children, finances is the thing he is most upset about??? That says more about him and his priorities then about me.

I am dreading the confrontation that will come with the legal and financial aspect. I wish I could just afford for us to just go our separate ways without having to deal with him.