In 2010 I was a social worker, working with a lovely family who were experiencing diffculties with their disabled children. While we traveled the road of child disability and all it brought, this beautiful vibrant mother and father became pregnant. For one reason or another (God's intervening) this family had a still born baby six months into the pregnancy. The mother and father allowed me to visit them in the hosptial on the day baby was delivered and I offered what support I could. Over the following months I worked with this family everyday, working through the grief and loss of this. The mother in this instance was absolutely focussed on having another baby and the father was so worried about his wife's health and possible death of getting pregnant again. The couple were on completely opposite sides.
From a bystanders perspective, watching the couple negiotate these waters was a priviledge. I developed a deep empathy for couples in this situation. My observations were that the woman quickly rally their resources in whatever way they come, relying on their usual coping mechnisms and gaining supprt from independent sources.(I am oversimplifying this in some regard as there were a number of other complexities invovled too). Women seem to help women in these times.
But with regard to the husband in this instance I found that he was left to drift somewhat. He did lots of practical tasks, organised and was I felt at times, completely at the whim of the his needs and desires of his wife. His needs and desires were often not expressed or absent for one reason or another. Often I felt due to a lack of room being created for him to express himself, or his over developed sense of responsiblity and protectivness of his wife.
I felt challenged at times to engage with him, as he worked a full time job and I wasn't allowed to do after hour visits. The men's groups for fathers of stillborn births and miscarriage were never at times he could attend. And a man who works all day and then has a vulnerable wife and two disabled children at home, how was he going to get to a support group after work, when he was needed elsewhere.
The loss of any child, I believe has to be the most disempowering and gut wrenching experience, but the loss for men, I wonder how well we (partners, wives, mother's, sisters, other men, our community) actually support you.
It makes me feel more optimistic and good to see men connecting and talking about this issue. How can we do this better so that couples remain together as they grieve this significant loss?
My heart goes out to each of you. You are GREAT men! I remain hopeful that I meet a man who lives in the world with such heart, openness, love and good will as you all do.
