I'm pleased you have found something in my journey that may help you on yours. The joy of DBing and being here on the boards, is that you are no longer alone in facing the demons or your "Monster" as you refer to it, that has been confronting you for years.
When I read the word "broken", it brings up so many thoughts and feelings of how I was this time last year. This time last year I was in Rarotonga with my mother. It had been a month since bomb drop and I was still managing the after shocks of a major mental health breakdown. I was having panic attacks, uncontrollable crying and almost constant thoughts of suicide. Even in Rarotonga I struggled to feel the warmth of the sun, see the blue of the sky, the beauty of the landscape, the hospitality of the people and the love and support of my mother. Things were very dark. Not only was I managing a long term feeling of being broken and never feeling like I fitted or belonged anywhere. I was so totally broken mentally and physically (my weight had ballooned by 10kgs in two months leading to bomb drop - I self medicate with food).
In a mere 12 months with a lot of focus on me, me making myself the number 1 and only priorty in my life and with the help of the boards and some very special connections and influences from certain people here, and with therapy and a sh*t load of patience with myself. I am probably the most psychologically and emotionally healthy I have ever been.
I haven't posted alot as I'm a rather shy and introverted personality. Deep thinker and sensitive soul. I was also very sad (as so many people here are at the beginning). But being here and feeling the companionship and acceptance has helped me become a companion to myself.
I have moments most days when I am not kind to myself. Negative self talk, bad food, not enough exercise, communicating with the wrong people who don't have my best interest at heart. I made a decision, I don't know when, I feel it was entirely unconscious but it was a decision, that I was going to view the way that I spoke to myself and how I treated my body as form of self abuse. That I was no better than the people who had neglected and abused me in a number of situations over a number of years. It had to stop.
And so it does with you too Ancaire. Your last posts tell me that you are beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You know what that is don't you? That is you, your beginning to see your own light, beginning to see just how fantastically amazing you really are, with or without depression.
I have always loved Marianne Williamson's poem- shared to the world by Nelson Mandela:
Our Deepest Fear By Marianne Williamson
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness That most frightens us.
We ask ourselves Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
Your playing small Does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking So that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, As children do. We were born to make manifest The glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; It's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, Our presence automatically liberates others.
This forum supports us to find our light and stand in it.
Take care today. Remember you owe yourself your best life. Remember your depression dosen't define you, it makes you!
