Mustardseed Sprouting

[mustardseed]

Thanks guys. I feel like I'm sinking. Part of it is that I always get some mild depression this time of year. The shorter days, especially the dark mornings, seem to effect me. I've been getting outside as much as possible, and the weather has been beautiful, but I still feel like I have the blues.

The other is that he has gotten under my skin again. I took the bait again. I feel the pain of once again being sucked into the cycle and I'm trying to not hang on to the regret.

I also finally got all of the things that I needed to start picking up cases for the agency I want to work for, but I haven't been chosen for any yet, so the pressure to start working is on. I am looking for alternate options at this point.

I also finally drew the line with flakey male friend who has once again dropped off in the middle of us making plans. He got back to me the following afternoon to explain what happened, but honestly, I've had enough. It makes me a little sad, because I really enjoyed his company and conversations, but I recognize that this is not the type of relationship I want right now.

In more positive news, I've been trying to snap myself out of my funk by joining more meetups. I found a group I really like, although their meetups fill up quick and mostly happen out by my parents' house. But in the past 2 days I've done three outings with the group and really enjoyed myself. This is much better than waiting around for someone to want to do the same thing I want to do at the same time I want to do it. Now I just check the meetup calendar and find an event that words for me.

So my fight the funk game plan:
1) job search--Put it in high gear--spend at least 4 hours a day working on getting a job.
2) get out of the house--start running again, go on hikes, socialize.
3) don't engage with H. He dragged me back in. My parents set me straight by pointing out how my responses are giving him satisfaction. I really have to follow V's advice again.

It really [censored] how I can do so well for so long, then one slip sets me so far back. I am feeling really self-conscious right now, because he put me back on the defensive. He uses the kids to do this, using phrases like "outbursts in front of the kids" when I try to talk to him about something. I know the problem is that I am still trying to make him see things my way. Stop pushing button A MS!