WAS or what (3)

[roist]

I am again focused on the wrong thing. Last night I searched info on EA. Whereas there seems to be different types or levels to EAs, before I didn't really understand this. My W has an inappropriate friend. They discuss us and other worries. Although it could still be just inappropriate friendship, there is am emotional openness that apparently constitutes an EA. There us no expression of sentiments for each other. My W has coded her phone but I saw her input it, so texts were most likely true)

I am fairly sure that he is not interested in having more with my W, but that does not make it OK. I THINK that my W is more attached to this friend and his support. Over the last year, I believe all other friends of my W are superficial and many of her recent friends no longer speak to her. So she seems to have just this guy.

I can understand how this came about and even that it could be good she has a good friend that she can confide in and get support from. IF it was a girl I would be even relatively happy for my W as her life seems sad to me. BUT it is a guy.

I have struggled so much the last few years especially this year. I am conflicted. I am very close to the point of no return. Not giving up but ready to move forward regardless. I had hoped and still do hope that I can be in a better situation financially before rocking the boat. For me I don't care but I have two boys that will be affected by this.

I may have contributed to problems on our M but this is not my doing. I have not checked out of our M. I am not inappropriately confiding in another W. I know many Ms bounce back from this. But I don't have high hopes.

Why am I so compelled to act on a potential friendship.
II guess it is the accumulation of everything for so long. I don't see a them getting together either way but who knows.
I almost wish that were the case as I can understand a potential happy future with someone else. I want her to be happy.

I have read so much on EAs recently and there are varying approaches for LBS. I am lost. I need to think.

For info, they are not in contact everyday and often just one or two texts. They do not see each other often and v rarely alone. Majority of texts emails etc are harmless.

Ironically yesterday evening I got my anniversary present from W. It was given in the mist unromantic low key way when all four of us were together and busy. Still I got something which sadly is more than many of you reading this.

On our wedding anniversary the first thing I did was check her phone to see if she planned meeting him.when I was away. I had ended snooping and was happy to work on me. I am not going to live like that.
I have read a lot here about how that urge resurges even during piecing. That is not how I choose to live.

I am feeling incredibly down today but not weak. Could do with support advice or just a hi from.whoever reads this.

[sandi2]

Hi, I got behind on your sitch. It seems that things are about the same. I am not in favor of women having a male friend that excludes her H. When she talks to him about the MR, then it will finally lead to her unmet desires, etc.

Since she knows that you know, have you tried setting boundaries?

[Zephyr]

Hi. I can't not type more, of course.

The present, even if unromantically given was just that a gift. It was after all your anniversary and she did not all put ignore it. That is a good thing.

I remember one anniversary a couple years back where wife not only ignored it, she went out of town despite the 15 years. Yay...that was fun.

I hope you were pleasant and accepting the gift?

Do nothing is not really do nothing, you know that. Have you gone over to the Mlc forums and read some of the homework on that threead? There are tons of great resources to read (and yes I've read all the EA info I could as well). Read everything you can by job, heartsbleasing, cadet, 25mlc, wonka, Jack 3 beans, lostforwords...there are countless others.

You will see so many similarities with those threads in that forum with yours and mine. You will see how easy it is to get stuck and churn for too long. The ones who are able to get through this are the ones who embrace the challenge and start to reality get out there.

Your goals all look good. The biggest hole I have seen is you getting out and doing for roiste. Honestly it will help. I can feel the anxious and anxiety creeping back in when I get into a 'not doing enough for me' lull.

Feeling anxious and thinking you need to do aomething, that is a sign of needing to control. It is a sign that we are still too enmeshed with our spouse and too tied Up in the outcome of this journey. This is the real struggle with men like you and i, learning how to let go of it and learning to live for today.

We have planned and planned to make sure we have made a good future. We have worked out a$$es off to make sure our families are comfortable...then this whole mess hits and we have no control over it.

Honestly try to think of a day in the last year where you have not tried to figure a way for this to work out. Try to remember not thinking of how, whatever you are going todo, will affect your wife and marriage. I will bet there were a few days and on those days I would eager a handsome sum that you actually enjoyed yourself and if wife was there I would also expected that she enjoyed the time too.

She can feel the pressure. I think it was sandi who has said that the waW has a sixth sense for this...and I think it is right. It is like our sixth sense when we KNOW something is off with wife.

Again I am typing to much and need to get boys up for school.

What I am getting at with today's ramblings...you feel like you've tried everything. Have you tried to live for todsy, live for the moment ? There are tons of resources you can be reading on THAT instead of EA's. It is the one thing you can control, you and your happiness.

Stand tall, be proud of your growth and your love and dedicatuin for your family. Now look at you and actually tell yourself that YOU love YOU...no kidding, try and prove it today, really prove to yourself that it is true. One step is all it takes.

[mutatio]

roiste, my wife has a friend at work which is not over the line but makes me nervous. It is hard to deal with because of the state of our union. I have no magic words of advice. I just try to make it through each day with the hope that tomorrow is an improvement over today. A practical way to live. The joy we seek cannot be found in someone else. Look inside yourself to find the joy.

I am not trying to minimize your situation or pain. Please believe me I get it. I have found no solution to my situation by wallowing in pain and anguish. I am trying to become stronger and independent regardless of the outcome. Be well

[roist]

Hi sandi, thanks for dropping by. Yes my situation has not moved much.. I did set a boundary that I will not be in a R with anyone in another R.

Some evenings she may exchange a few texts (not always with him) but mostly there is not enough to creat a song and dance over. Every now and again there are some much longer chat texting, but again mostly harmless.

I only know what I know by snooping, so I don't officially know she talks about MR. But I printed some stuff to hand her if an occasion warrants a boundary or other action. I prefer to think ahead instead of some angry incoherent jealous outburst.

I am reading what I find from you to others about respect.I am watching out for that and will follow your advice relating to that. I have taken her up on a few little things but overall she is respectful. She backs me up more with kids than before. Guess that is progress.

I know this R is not healthy for us and I too agree male female friendships should be limited.

One thing I will add is that he seems to be the only person she talks to about us or her unhappiness. Having thought about it, I find only two reasons for this. One he is her best friend and does not want to outline our problems to anyone else. Two, she wants him to feel sorry for her and empathize.

[roist]

Z,

You don't know how much I appreciate you being beside me through this. You have read so much, learned so much and sharing this really helps. I hope the boys weren't too late for school after your novel!

I don't have the time to reply to your points, but I am taking them on board. Whether it is the people replying or just getting it out, but I feel a lot better than I did this morning.

Mutatio, we have a similar pain. I really think your attitude is great. I don't remember reading about the guy at work in your situation. I'll reread. But I appreciate you dropping by. I don't post often but I read regularly your threads.

I wish I had yer mindsets and wasn't wavering in supporting my situation.This fluctuation is surely affecting our interactions. Ye are role models in that.

[mutatio]

I never mentioned it here. It is only an issue in my head. There were moments I was worried because of her EA/PA in 08. Now I have come to realize she would never do that again. Her actions in 08 bothered her to much to cheat again. Still I see a boogie man behind the tree. It's one of my issues because of her cheating. The gift that keeps on giving.

If my advice or opinion ever seems insensitive it is my frustration with this whole process not with you or any one else.

[sandi2]

One he is her best friend and does not want to outline our problems to anyone else. Two, she wants him to feel sorry for her and empathize.

I think most women have a need to talk about their problems to someone. It may be their mother, sister, or best friend. If she has no relatives or other women friends, that could be the basic reason she's turning to him. She may not be the least bit attracted to him, however, it can always change.

There were moments I was worried because of her EA/PA in 08. Now I have come to realize she would never do that again. Her actions in 08 bothered her to much to cheat again.

Did it start much like her friendship with this new OM?

I won't say that once a cheater--always a cheater. I cheated once, and now I take precaution, where once I just thought it would never happen. I was not the type of woman who would do such things. But let me tell you, now I believe every person can potentially be the "type" if they are hurting bad enough and the circumstances are just right (or wrong). It's not like you make the decision one day to go look for an A. I think it's normally a slower process. It is usually something else that pulls us, or attracts us, to that person (or source) that relieves our pain for a little while, or it's b/c that other person makes us feel very special and alive. But those are just my thoughts.

[Zephyr]

I think most women have a need to talk about their problems to someone. It may be their mother, sister, or best friend. If she has no relatives or other women friends, that could be the basic reason she's turning to him. She may not be the least bit attracted to him, however, it can always change.

Sandi,

In your mind, is being the best listener a good start at counteracting this? Getting back the trust that he cares about what she is saying?

[roist]

Thanks everyone.

You know Sandi, yes it could be so. I'd like to think so. Time will tell! I'd be interested in your thoughts on Z's question.