Ugg, he posted something on FB, clearly in a lot of anger. One of those 'read between the lines', passive aggressive kind of posts
I've taken him off my 'close friends' lists, so I won't get a notification when he posts. I've also unfollowed him, so I'm not getting his updates in my news feed.
If anyone can offer any help, I'd be really grateful. I've gone from feeling reasonably OK this morning, if tired, to feeling cornered and humiliated.
Hi F22, I would say you already took practical steps to protect yourself from future similar instances on FB. I can tell you that looking at FB pages for WAS is never a good idea.
What he posted may be to goad you and this is probably a good time to practice not reacting to his stuff. In fact I would say - get up & get busy for a while - let the feelings pass....
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I'm trying really hard today, drawing on the peace I found yesterday.
Shortly after his FB post, I got an email from his mum, who assumed I had known about what had happened to him last week. Of course, I didn't know anything at all because I haven't spoken to him for a while now.
So, after he texted me about 10 days ago, to say that he thought the best thing for us to do was separate, he apparently became really incapacitated with a nerve thing in his right arm. It stopped him from doing his job, and his job then had to be changed for the remainder of the contract (he works freelance).
We work in the same industry, and because of who he is, people know me as 'his wife'.
I feel it's about to start getting out there, and people are about to find out.
The only thing I can think of as a way of dealing with it is holding my head high, and saying nothing.
I like my job, I really do. I find it gives me back much more than it takes from me. I'm scared it's about to get really stressful because of all of this. I already have a sneaking suspicion that someone (older, wiser) has already cottoned on.
What do I do? How do I cope? How do I handle all the things he's saying about me?
I'm so scared at the moment. I can't stand the thought of people talking about me behind my back.
I really value the reputation I have. I've always tried to be appreciative of what others bring, to be kind, fair, positive.
I carry those values over to my work, and that is a big part of my reputation too. I've spent years working hard, and always to the best of my ability. There's rarely people I can't work with (there are some who I would maybe prefer not to work with, but if it came to it, I would be nothing but utterly professional).
As bad as I feel (and trust me, I have the shakes at the moment and feel like I'm going to throw up), from the utter humiliation of what he's doing, I feel I need to learn to deal with this, now, as I reckon there is more - and worse - to come from him.
I have a question. Should I arrange for his mum to pick up his things from our/my house? I'm scared of what he might throw at me next.
I called someone and had a long chat about the whole situation
The person I called was married to a man who has been like a mentor to my husband for as long as we have been together (18 years).
I know this man had had his own struggles with depression, and it had gotten so bad that he had committed suicide about a year and a half ago. We went to his funeral. My husband was devastated and I don't think he's even begun to process how he feels about it all.
We talked for about 3 hours. It was such a relief to talk to someone who was so non judgemental and so open.
I discovered that so many of the things my husband has said to me are *exactly* the same things as this man said to his wife, practically word for word.
I understand the importance of timing in getting help for my husband. It needs to be at the point where he just can't carry on with this super adrenaline fuelled existence and he collapses. There's a point of stillness in there, a lull, where he will be most receptive to help (not from me, but from a medical professional, a psychotherapist).
Looking back, I have already seen that moment. It was the last time he collapsed and was hospitalised just over three years ago now.
Unfortunately, this time he's removed himself from me, so I'm only dimly aware of where he is at.
Don't know if any of that makes sense.
Today is a day of treading water for me, and getting some everyday things done. I realise that I can find strength in just living and keeping things ticking over. So that is my plan.
The past few days, after my real low point, have been much better.
I've noticed a few things.
The main one is that if I make a real effort to connect with people and enjoy their presence/company when I'm out and when I'm at work I don't feel so horribly alone. Thankfully I live in a really friendly city where if you started chatting to the person next to you in a shop or something, they wouldn't think it was weird. I come home and I feel OK about things in proportion to how much I've tried to engage with the outside world. I come home and I know I'm not going to have the 'walking on eggshells' feeling I've had for the past couple of years.
I have a lot of work to do between now and the start of the new year, which I'm very happy about. I really love my work, and it's very sociable too.
I also have a couple of quite major GAL things planned just for myself over the next few weeks (only just started on those).
I am also just starting to plan a very cheap break somewhere I've never been before for after the new year. It's going to coincide with a quieter period at work, and also a time that I think my H has a lot of very high pressure things going on in his life (which are all happening in the space of a week). I'm not sure I want to be around for the fall out of those. After that, he's away working abroad from the start of February to the start of May and I don't think he will contact me during that time.
I still haven't heard anything at all from him. Last time I heard his voice was on my voicemails on the 21 October (our anniversary) and the last time I had any communication at all from him was his text on the 25 October. But I'm enjoying (if that's the right word) a break from the total intensity of everything.
I had a good chat with someone too. She is the widow of a mentor of his. This mentor was a huge inspiration in my H's life, and he committed suicide last summer. My H was absolutely devastated, but I don't think my H has even begun to deal with how he feels about this.
Anyway, I'm starting to think my H is going through a MLC. Last year he said to his mom that he was worried about turning 40 on his next birthday and 'where is all the time going?'.
But the situation is the situation, and I can only deal with myself in this present moment. So that is what I'm trying to do, and do it as best and wholeheartedly as I can.
