Tonight's activities involve taxiing the children and fixing my S's PC. At one point I finally sit and think, "what the he||, I guess I should answer him."
Set yourself rules on it, such as I respond immediately if kids, 4 hrs if it's X, 24 hrs for admin, not at all if a rant or demand for money.
Good idea. Since it will NEVER be about the kids because he threw 100% responsibility on me, we can ignore any kind of immediate response. I normally do not know why he texts because it is like "Are you there?" So I will set a firm limit of 4 or more hours.
Ya know how they say DON'T SNOOP!
I don't know who 'they' are, but 'they' can be wrong. Intel is different to snooping. Intel is that which you need to know.
That is only PARTIALLY OK not to do. I text him back and ask him what he wants. While I am doing that, I am opening mail from my bank.
Cr@p...
When my H left me last time, and moved to Maryland, he got a mini-van, because OW already had like 4 kids (all different fathers).
He defaulted on the payment, and his bank account went negative, so he was put in check systems.
When this stellar example of a real man returned, he had to use my bank account until he fixed his issues. So it was a joint account.
Why? This man is irresponsible with money, my WH was a gambler. I didn't share he still didn't pay his way.
When he started mismanaging funds, I protected us by opening a new bank account in only my name.
For heavens sake close the old one or at minimum remove your name off it.
I allowed the account because I had him put his paycheck in my account, but I let him take $200.00 from his paycheck and deposit into this joint account. Then I made him pay Netflix and Car insurance, which was maybe half of what he put in there. So he was taking some responsibility, and if he failed it was not an emergency, like failing to pay rent. I told him when he moved out he needed to get off my account. I will get him off on Monday.
I NEVER snoop into the joint account because I know I will see him spending money on Facebook and video games. It drives me CRAZY. So I stopped snooping.
Sweetheart, this isn't snooping, it's your account too. Check it every day.
But as I check my mail, I see it. I AM ABOUT TO BE PUT INTO CHECK SYSTEMS!
He has had this account negative since Sept.
And you are surprised? You are enabling his waywardness, funding it. Where is the reality for him in that?
It is OK. This is not an emergency at all. Monday I will go to the bank and take care of it. But imagine my state of mind as my H replies. I think I did OK. My real end goal is to save my M, but only if I can have the man I married. Like a financially responsible person with a full time job that pays his bills.
Learning! It may not seem an emergency but it is, ask for his half back. Take away his card until he repays. Face it, converrsation with the bank, no overdraft. Only have enough to fund the immediate bills. Nothing extra.
No point in asking for his half back. He is never going to pay me. I am going to take him off on monday and make it a vacation account! Jamaica with the kids maybe?
H: When do you plan on moving in to your mom. So I have a time frame as to when I have to go
Me: My plans were to start moving today. I even planned a dinner get together on Tuesday I had to cancel.
Me:But rent here is fine so we can just wait.
Duh! Why we? We is me and the kids. I was hoping he would realize he is messing up their plans too.
10 minute pause and then .......
H: Any way you could help me pay off cable? If you can't, I understand.
Thats your bag WH!
Me: X Bank is 3 days away from putting both me and you in check systems because your account is still negative
No reply
Me: I will take care of X bank on Monday, your kids need winter coats and school shoes, I will do that. Then, we will see if I get a support check soon. your cable is 195, right? How much do you need?
H: $198.70
BLOOD BOILED OVER... I called him He did not answer.
H: I'm at work I can't answer the phone
Me: That's probably a good thing
Me: Let's talk about this some other time. I g2g
Stop enabling, if he has to pay his bills he hasn't money for other wayward things. At the moment you fund his waywardness.
Agreed.
OK... Here are my issues.
1. HE JUST GOT PAID ON FRIDAY AND HIS CHECK HAS OVERTIME. 2. Nothing... not a single peep about putting us in check systems... 3. He did NOT drive D to party last night. 4. He did not go to soccer game 5. He did not go trick-or-treating 6. I CANT MOVE UNTIL HE MOVES!
I am TOTALLY justified my telling him, to go (do something) to himself. I am clearly right, he is clearly wrong. He will never learn if everyone keeps helping him. He HAS to do this on his own.
Yes.
6. I CANT MOVE UNTIL HE MOVES!
I stepped away from this post at this point to think about really what is true and not true.
Should I help him if I can? My mind is screaming NO.
So am I through these pages.
Am I worried if I don't help him, he will not want to R?
He clearly doesn't want R anyway, he just wants his bills paid, so he can play.
Maybe, but I don't know. I want more than anything for him to step up and be a man.
He will only learn that when he sees you as his W.
6. I CANT MOVE UNTIL HE MOVES!
Is this really true? NO. I cant move NOW if he does not move. But I can buy my own house when I get my income tax check. That cute little one we were looking at is still for sale and in my price range. Granted, it will financially strap us if I get a mortgage right now. Until I figure out how to live on my paycheck and his support payment that does not even cover rent.
Go do it.
I can wait here and still move in with my mom weeks from now when he fixes his stuff.
And. If he doesn't? Where will your resources be then? What will he have spent your cash on?
Wont he feel like such a man if he has to fix it?
Whilst you enable, keep him dependent on you then you will keep on doing this dance. It's clearly serving you to enable him. What pay off are you getting from it. What happens if you keep doing what you have been doing, you will keep getting that which you have been getting. It's insanity to do the. Same thing and expect a different result. If you are happy as things are then pay the price to keep things the same. WH will let you.
He will hate me if I force him to be a man. Is this statement a fact or a fear of mine?
Do you really need a response to this? It is just about every thinking error going? Including mind reading, someone else's feelings.
Does it matter if this statement is a fact or a fear of mine?
Not one jot. It is what you do next that counts.
Bottom line, I am not helping him. A part of me hopes he gets mad because he is p!ssing me the heck off and it is time for him to feel it too.
Getting him angry isn't going to help you. Being cool calm collected, in control, with your interests at heart. Giving WH a wake up call, then waiting until he is solid and ready to be a respectful R. I think you were plan b this time, insist on plan A. I still would be happy if he was mad
I am going to use MY money for me and the kids. I saw the cutest pair of shoes today. Wouldnt it be great if I used the money that could have helped him to buy mushrooms and shoes I dont need.
You can't complain, you made that choice. I have a wasteful WH who manipulated and lied to get cash from me, because I wasn't going to enable. He did it anyway.
(I am about to be in check system, I am allowed a little anger. I am not really gonna buy the shoes!)
Pay a deposit on them, see acquiring them as your freedom kick ass shoes. Try eBay for. A similar pair second hand, by hook or by crook get those shoes.
I compromised last night. I did not buy the shoes but I bought 2 pair of skinny jeans from WalMart that were dirt cheap, but make me feel a bit sexy and wild.
Very very long story short. Crappy, but not a problem, any of it. PMA up because nothing happened I cant handle.
Good
Now how do I word my response of "Please take that bill and shove it, I cant help you."? [
How about that's your bill, your bag, your sandpit. Or just "no".
I decided to not answer. At most I will say, sorry I have no money. But unless he asks again, I am not going to reply. I refuse to be more worried about his bill than he is. I have already talked about it in like 7 different posts here, so I am already more emotionally involved.
Just my take on it
V
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
I don't think you're being mean because mean would be letting H starve to death. He's not at that stage yet, but he has to learn how not to reach that stage?
You are right, I am being more mean by helping him. Then complaining because he is not acting like a man.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
I am clearly right, he is clearly wrong. He will never learn if everyone keeps helping him. He HAS to do this on his own.
I want more than anything for him to step up and be a man.
He is a man. He is just not the way you would build a man. Do you want a relationship with a real man? Or do you want to end that relationship by trying to mold him into someone he's not?
Just be careful Mona. Acting like your man he's not a man in your eyes will be the end of the R. If you want to continue an R then accept and approve of him as he is, with no scorecard, quirks and all. If you support your man he'll grow in his own ways at his own pace. More importantly he doesn't need to grow to be a good man. You need to grow realize he already is.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I am clearly right, he is clearly wrong. He will never learn if everyone keeps helping him. He HAS to do this on his own.
I want more than anything for him to step up and be a man.
He is a man. He is just not the way you would build a man. Do you want a relationship with a real man? Or do you want to end that relationship by trying to mold him into someone he's not?
Just be careful Mona. Acting like your man he's not a man in your eyes will be the end of the R. If you want to continue an R then accept and approve of him as he is, with no scorecard, quirks and all. If you support your man he'll grow in his own ways at his own pace. More importantly he doesn't need to grow to be a good man. You need to grow realize he already is.
Thanks for stopping bu Zues! I am going to have to disagree though. He has spoken to his S11 maybe 3 times in the last 3 months.
I have forced him to say hi to D15.
He has not lifted a finger to support them when he had $4500.00 in his pocket and I asked him to please give us a loaf of bread and a bag of pretzels for their school lunches.
When he lived here he spent every waking hour playing video games with his online guild.
I taught my S how to tie his tie.
When the washer breaks, I grab a wrench and fix it.
I install the air conditioners in the windows.
I pay the bills.
I earn more.
I threaten my D's boyfriends to behave.
The person I married did these things. Now he basically does nothing. He performs no job the family needs him to do.
I am glad you posted as you did, because I dont need that in my life.
I dont think I need to grow to realize he is a good man. He is not a good man. I need to grow to realize I dont need or want him.
I am not sure what I was thinking when I decided to save my M.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
D17 has been sick since Sunday night so my life basically ground to a halt. Of course I had no help so my PMA is in the toilet. I am in a "Life is not fair and i hate the world" mood.
Jerk face called Monday night. Not to see how the kids are, but to look for his old cable box so he can return it to the cable company. He spoke to her on the phone, she sounded terrible. He did not notice at all.
I told her to tell him he cant come in, but S will leave the box on the porch.
I just do not even want to see him.
My friend asked me if I could even imagine being in a R where my S was faithful and gave me love and support.
That question was one gigantic 2x4.
So while I was taking care of my D for the last few days, I did mentally imagine it. I started mentally flipping through couples in my head. I was cherry picking certain traits from the men in each couple. Now I have this picture in my head of what I want from a H. And I cant see my H ever living up to that.
My man is not superman. He is someone who knows how to use a hammer. He buys flowers for me once a year, even the $3.00 carnations will do. He can take a fish off of the hook. He can talk to me intelligently about a classic Charles Dickens novel and knows enough about computers to hold conversations over the dinner table. He has a job. A job that he enjoys. He tells me all the time i am pretty. We cook and clean together. Maybe not always, but as a general rule. He encourages me to get my hair done and buy some clothes and decorate the house. A vacation with the family once a year will be extremely important to him.
In my head he has abs... but that is besides the point and not necessary.
THAT is what I want. How can I have that?
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Mona! Abs are tough. Just sayin. Mine are coming in but it's a pain in the @ss.
I think you're doing good. You feeling all right? I'm also impressed your as handy are you are for someone not handy
By the way, I really don't get how grown men play video games. Sorry, but I don't. But I also don't get how they park themselves in front of tvs and watch sports fanatically either.
Sorry about your d. Hopefully she feels better soon.
As for me (because I know you'll ask and I may not be able to respond quickly)-things have been ok thankfully. I'm hesitant to say that, but they have been. No sex (at least not sex sex) but she's been cuddling w me at night, been respectful (mostly), genuinely seems to be trying. There have been some slips, and that makes me nervous, but overall, better.
