Dreams. How I love them, and hate to wake up. DBing is the equivalent of walking a tightrope on a really windy day. It's all about the destination, but it is not a calm experience, by any means. Don't know why I brought up a tightrope...I'm extremely uncomfortable with heights. Now I'll have nightmares!!!
Monday morning journaling. Had a peaceful weekend with my dog, lots of running, frolicking, and ingestion of red meats. He's happy as can be.
I'm determined this week to have a more fruitful week than last. Last week I completely let the dog swap get the best of me and I lost a number of days to fantasizing about being back with my W. Of having conversations in my head that would convince her that we were a great couple and that our M could work out in all of the ways that we both wanted. I believe that in my heart still.
Lately I feel the urge again to "do" something. I feel like I'm on a sinking ship and am just sitting there watching it slowly go down with the strategy that by doing so hopefully it somehow rights itself. I know DB'ing is about patience and letting things play out, it's such a hard lesson to stand still and let be what will be.
Last weeks' swap was such a great connection between my WAW and myself, but left me in a difficult place myself. I want this week to be another great connection but to make sure that when I leave I don't spend the next few days with my head in the wrong place. It's another opportunity to practice boundary setting, yet be there with love in my heart.
I hope everyone has a peaceful week.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Of having conversations in my head that would convince her that we were a great couple and that our M could work out in all of the ways that we both wanted. I believe that in my heart still.
I think we all do that. I know I do, especially. I have conversations played out in my head right down to the last word I want to say. And like you, I still believe it in my heart, too.
Quote:
Lately I feel the urge again to "do" something. I feel like I'm on a sinking ship and am just sitting there watching it slowly go down with the strategy that by doing so hopefully it somehow rights itself. I know DB'ing is about patience and letting things play out, it's such a hard lesson to stand still and let be what will be.
I have also been feeling that urge to do something, too. I have a seat right next to you on that sinking ship! Haha. I don't have the patience that many do on here...I just don't know how others do it. I am finally at a place where I am more calm about things, but I have yet to learn about patience. Funny, I know that is what is needed but danged if I can't practice it myself!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I just posted on my thread in response to you stopping by to say hello. Thank you by the way.
And then I read on Rouky's thread you were anticipating a breakdown in hour and half. Not sure what to say that would help. I often revert to Lady V's standard of a good cry is therapeutic as tears release toxins building up in the body. Lady V would however say it in a far more elegant and intellectual way and make you feel like the world and people were a far more loving and kind than it actually feels sometimes.
You are alot like Lady V PP. I don't know if it because you both sing off the same hymn sheet with the Higherpower and 12 Steps, or if it is something innate in each of you and how you are traveling this journey.
There is a great kindness and warmth in the way you phrase things for other's and how you speak of your own vulnerablities, insights and growth. Hard to describe such qualities, it seems like a Human/Spiritual X-Factor. I see it in other's as well that are here, Sotto, As is, Avanti, RD. There's an ease at which you connect with others. Ease their suffering.
I don't say the above with any intent or knowledge that anything I say will assist in reverting the course of a breakdown/meltdown, these are inevitable on this human journey particulary the one of heartbreak and loss. But providing human comfort to those that are suffering is as I see it humanity itself. And indeed a selfish act. I get some goodies too feeling a connection to you and the others that are having a moment of loss and suffering.
A bit of my own navel gazing involved in this post dear PP. But my intent was honourable let me assure you.
Hi PP! First time posting on your thread. I have to feel like there may be something in the air. I too have a really strong desire to reach out to my H. We share a dog too and I just want to take that positive energy during the swaps and parlay it into something better and more meaningful. I am dying just sitting back and letting my spouse just move on his merry way. Ah- but that is the opposite of dB. Hopefully, you were able to take those deep breaths and move past your potential emotional breakdown.... I know everyone says it, but we'll make it out just fine!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Hey PP, just wanted to stop in and say thanks for the support. I sometimes find it hard to post on others threads that are doing so well, I just don't know what to say lol.
I see you were struggling yesterday also. Everyone has that urge to do something but we have to remember there's a limit to what we can do in this. They have their path to walk and since we're so far ahead of them it sometimes feels like we have to do sometime to catch them up or get their attention. The majority of the time all we need to do is let them walk their path and we keep walking ours. Growing and changing is the best do something we can do.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I just posted on my thread in response to you stopping by to say hello. Thank you by the way.
And then I read on Rouky's thread you were anticipating a breakdown in hour and half. Not sure what to say that would help. I often revert to Lady V's standard of a good cry is therapeutic as tears release toxins building up in the body. Lady V would however say it in a far more elegant and intellectual way and make you feel like the world and people were a far more loving and kind than it actually feels sometimes.
You are alot like Lady V PP. I don't know if it because you both sing off the same hymn sheet with the Higherpower and 12 Steps, or if it is something innate in each of you and how you are traveling this journey.
There is a great kindness and warmth in the way you phrase things for other's and how you speak of your own vulnerablities, insights and growth. Hard to describe such qualities, it seems like a Human/Spiritual X-Factor. I see it in other's as well that are here, Sotto, As is, Avanti, RD. There's an ease at which you connect with others. Ease their suffering.
I don't say the above with any intent or knowledge that anything I say will assist in reverting the course of a breakdown/meltdown, these are inevitable on this human journey particulary the one of heartbreak and loss. But providing human comfort to those that are suffering is as I see it humanity itself. And indeed a selfish act. I get some goodies too feeling a connection to you and the others that are having a moment of loss and suffering.
A bit of my own navel gazing involved in this post dear PP. But my intent was honourable let me assure you.
Much love and light to you tonight dear PP.
JellyB XXX
Thank you for this sweet message Jelly, navel gazing is quite ok on my thread. I appreciate your kind words, BD opened me up to all of the ways that I was closed off in my life.
While I still fight for my M, I'm eternally grateful for the experience so far. I believe I feared being open, feared being vulnerable in front of people, and feared letting people know that I was struggling in any capacity. I actually didn't think I had a right to any of the above. Life is far more interesting now with an open heart and no fear of being seen...hopefully the random acts of crying stop at some point, they're starting to get a bit annoying.
If my situation gives you peace or lessens your pain by a connection, I'm all for it. There's a bond created in communal suffering no matter what the catalyst.
Here's to the bond staying and the suffering lessening!
Big hug,
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
