Well, yesterday turned out well. And I'm also still feeling the positive knock on effects of it this morning.
Yesterday I decided to do something entirely for myself and on my own.
I left early in the morning, travelled 4 hours there to do it, and then travelled the four hours back in the evening afterwards.
When I got home I was pretty tired and had no trouble falling asleep and staying asleep (only been sleeping 3 or 4 hours a night these past 3 weeks).
I actually really enjoyed myself. All throughout the day, I didn't think about much of what has been going on, and I felt calm and capable. It was only when I was on the very final part of my journey home that the whole thing started coming back to me. But it was well after midnight by then, and I think it was also because I was so tired.
One thing I've been noticing over the past few days, but definitely yesterday, is that I'm not alone in the world. People speak to you. I know this sounds silly, but I'm quite shy and an introvert. My husband is a total extrovert and really enjoys being in the middle of things and being the life and soul. I guess I've always been in his shadow a bit.
But I've felt so appreciative of people taking the time to share even little things with me (work colleagues as well as out and about), and enjoyed that too. I'm not talking massive in depth conversations, about life and the universe and everything, more about sharing a little bit of themselves and what's important in their lives.
And I've noticed how positively people respond when you take a little care and time to share a little of yourself. I've always really done this in my work, but less in my life outside work because I'm shy.
This morning I'm appreciating the quiet and *stillness* in the house. There's no life sapping underlying tension, no more treading on eggshells, no more drama.
I know this all sounds like I'm really strong, and I've heard so many people describe me as strong and resilient (over the past few years especially). I'm totally shattered by everything that's happened, and also that it's all been going on for so long (I traced the start of all of this stroppy teenager behaviour back to starting five years ago now).
I think I've just reached the point where I am willing to choose the stillness and peace over the attachment to my husband (I have no idea *who* he is at the moment). And choosing that over the attachment to what we had (he destroyed what we had three and a half weeks ago with his outburst...like someone being sick on you).
