I too have had a lifetime of managing my mental health. I let it rule my life and emotions for far too long and I have lost two lovely men in my life because I let it become bigger than me. BD drop with Mr Ex, has held me accountable for letting my mental health become an unruly two year old or teenage, who I let determine the rules and was allowed free reign. I decided that this was no longer going to be my life. The depression was in my control and I actively needed to find the reasons, motivations, tools and strategies to keep it managed and under my control.
I have come to the understanding that there is a point for every person facing mental illness or issues that they have to take full responsibility for their presenting behaviours and actions that are informed by their illness. For me I had to stop making excuses that I felt bad, just because I felt bad, because of this, that and the other. I don't believe that I can absolutely control the depression that makes me feel so unwell and hopeless, but I can control the things that make me feel better and reduce the triggers that result in depressive episodes.
I used to hold my partners accountable for making my depression better. You would often find me saying to my partners "if only you did this, that and the other, my depression would not have been triggered". Well really what an immature and self defeating outlook. No one is responsible for my mood and health, happiness and well being but me.
So when I say to you Ancaire that your depression is not anyone else's business but yours, I really mean, it is your sole responsibility to live your life in a way that keeps you as happy and as healthy as you can be at any given time. Im not saying don't be depressed. Stuff that - that comment is for unempathetic people who have next to no understanding of the feelings of depression and impact on a life it can have. I am saying get your tools and strategies together that keep you well and use them. Crisis is the perfect time to identify and use them.
If you read my sitch at the beginning, you will find lots of references to my low mood, feelings of overwhelm and feelings of complete hopelessness. I worried lovely people, who had invested in me.
If my Dbing journey has taught me anything is that as newcomers to this Dbing sitch, we put our energy in the wrong places. Our focus is outside of ourselves in the places where we have next to no influence or control. One of the keys to DBing and finding peace, is realizing our circle of influence. And at the beginning that circle extends no further than tip of our noses. The focus needs to be within.
I discovered far too late to rescue my sitch that all I really had to do was keep myself, sane and safe, and the rest would look after itself. Initially anyway. I discovered that whenever I escalated, my Mr Ex would escalate the situation right back at me. Whenever I was calm and centred in on my own wellness and life, this was mirrored back by ex. Are there exceptions to this rule, of course. But the key is the sooner you get out of your S business the sooner you get control of your own.
Ancaire please focus on being well and staying well. I know for me control over my depression and anxiety has brought me so much freedom. The loss of Mr Ex, well I feel in some regards was worth this personal freedom.
And remember you are not your depression- you not defined by it unless you allow yourself to be. You are a thousand other things as well as being a person who manages a depressive illness. You got this Ancaire. Try not to get side tracked by things that are not relevant or are outside of your control. You have this I know it!
