Working on improving Ghost

[ATPeace]

My W believes that I am controlling and abusive coercive and the more that I look into this the more that I realise that this is somewhat the case I believed that I was being loving what I can now see is I was being controlling

I started to read no more Mr nice guy and I can also see that I was trying to manipulate situations of conversation I would say things like I love you and hope for a similar response I would give affection yet hope for affection back

I have booked into a program under the domestic violence heading not sure if I will be shooiing myself in the foot to do this as I have self enrolled ...reports will still be written that might come back to bite me in a court hearing my W says she plans to be totally fair split things down the middle the childcare and the house sale equity I just hope she keeps to her word

I have not signed up to this program for the benifit of my W ....I know being on this program will not win back my wife She feels that I have been controlling aand coercive abusive so I want to work on bettering myself this is all I can do so I do not make the same mistakes again
I hope the program will help to make me a better person

[ATPeace]

Can anyone help me with finding ways to distance myself from my W I need to be able to do this

I thought perhaps write down all the things I have no control over and then let those go

I remember v saying to me along time ago that I should think about chose to accept statements just struggling but determined not to write [censored] to her

I choose to let go of what I cannot control
I am not making these choices she may feel she has no option but I inow she does
Splitting up the family is not my choice or doing
I choose to focus on me and my children and not on my W
I choose not to snoop and to let go of My fearful feelings

[Huddy]

Ghost

She's made herself unhappy, she's decided to check out. So, all you have to do is change the things you need to change, for yourself, but keep it to yourself. No grand pronouncements.

[Sotto]

Hi Ghost, much better to write things down here than message your W...

Now, my question is - where are the vegetables!!! That wasn't a good food day as you say, but today can be better. Maybe get yourself off to the supermarket and get some good stuff in. This is a great opportunity to learn to make a few healthy meals for you (cookery class GAL??)

Hope you have a better day - and focus on your own health plan just now rather than your W - just let her drift along....

Take care xx

[ATPeace]

Huddy and this is one of the points she says she does not feel unhappy she does not act unhappy she says she feels happier now we are not together

If she is happier then not sure why she woud give us another try

this I very hard she used to be so family oriented and perhaps I usd this and believed that she would not split up I do not want to split up the family but this is happening so,keep,working in me this is all I can do

[ATPeace]

So much goes through my mind

I am 46 I have four kids I want to be happy

i I do not think I can be happy in my own so this means forming another relationship this worries me too I don't want more kids

Worry worry worry

[Huddy]

Script. They need to feel loss. You're doing better.

[Fogg]

Ghost I feel you. Those covert contracts were huge with me in my old M also but once you recognize you have done them it easier to check yourself I'm the future. I have realized many times in the last 10 months where I can manipulate W to get something and I chose not to. Part of me even knows I could talk and guilt her back into the M but it wouldn't solve any problems so I let go.

Codependent no more is another book that helped me some even thought it's a bit different.('The Sole Partner' is my biggest book recommendation after DR) I wonder now typing this is there's a codependent no more version that deals with enmeshed relationships without the alcohol. It's still a useful book you just have to adjust some of the situations and realize they are basically the same.

I think the advice you got over the weight is great and I'll be stealing it also I have a decent program for exercise I just started but the eating needs a lot of improvement. PP might know of what I'm doing is best for weight loss so maybe I'll share what I'm doing on my thread and see what needs to be changed. Think I'll race you to that goal even though I'm starting at the weight you were pre BD. I think I can, I know I can!

You can do this Ghost, change in you can prompt a change in her it's just not guaranteed. She's stuck in her emotions about a failed M and can't see the truth that things can be different or her full role in it. Don't let that discourage you from your changing as the growth can be amazing.

[Fogg]

Ghost, trust me you can be happy on your own. I thought the exact same way for a long time.but I'm seeing slowly it was just an irrational fear. Im not sure how else to better explain this. I was thinking about death in the beginning of thr year and now I'm in such a better place for me.

Sure, it's different and has some negatives but it's what you do with them that matters. A relationship might make me happier but it doesn't define if I'm happy. Also, once you move to that point of being happy alone any relationship you do have will just supplement that a great deal.

[Sotto]

"I do not think I can be happy on my own"

Ghost, this fear is key to everything. As long as your actions are governed by this fear, you will find this an uphill struggle.

Can you explore it some more? What is it about being alone that you fear? Are there practical answers to these things? Are there things within your control that could lessen the fear?

Also, are you going to get into another R purely because you don't want to be alone? Would that be a good reason do you think?

I do think exploring this area may help you. From where I am sitting, you could have a wonderful life alone for a while until/unless you met someone else...

Hope you are eating well my friend!! No white bread for you!