Thank you all for all your comments … I have read them … thought … read them again. If you should know anything about me…. I tend to think a bit before doing/saying anything. I started replying to each of you individually but given the fact I am handcuffed to the phone it’s been painful … so I figured I would reply to each without quoting and just spill my thoughts/replies in an email and copy/paste it here as that’s how I have been updating … it’s so primitive but it’s easier to type it out here as I read your posts from my phone.
Job: I agree the move was to early, I knew this going in but at the time I figured it was the lesser of two evils and would just require me to stay in my circle. This has proven easier said than done, her willingness to work on the M gave me a bit of false hope … I think it was her intention and more out of fear I was close to being gone (Yes this is mindreading but I am so darn good at it). So whats done is done and as you said its all about me remaining patient. Easier said than done
M: I get your fear. I think for me at that time I was done … then she wanted to meet and told me she would work on the M, who of us does not want to hear those words, knowing she still had some baking to do in the oven, some digging to do out of the tunnel I simply wanted to be the lighthouse and was mindful not to be to far away … though that may have actually been better for her in the long run I was concerned about the short term liabilities. There is not right/worng .. no clear cut way of do this/don’t do that … in the end we just have to trust our gut and keep the hearts wants out of it. I still felt what I did at the time was the right thing to do … simply because W does not cope well with stress, I do quite a bit around the house that has helped there … maybe this has given her a breather from the MLC stuff … maybe its prolonged her really dealing with things .. I am not sure… but she looks better and has been a far cry nicer from who she was over the past few years. And yeah .. you are right .. last year was fights in between houses … this year, she reached out for my hand on several occasions with a kiss here an dthere telling me how nice ‘this’ (meaning real family time trick-or-treating) was.
Bttrfly: I laugh when someone claims I have been patient … hard to think that way when it’s the one thing I struggle with. But yeah, I recall realizing the amazing power of the STFU smoothie … was about this time last year, veterans day I went to a special mass with S and W asked me to stop by and she unloaded her fuzzy thoughts, the “I messed up my entire life” speech … I had no idea how much she was processing till later looking back …. Me just listening gave her faith she could open up and talk to me… was the start of a turning point thinking about it now…. So do try to do that .. STFU and just take in all the info you can .. info is power to YOU in this mess.
LT … Yeah, as my above posts .. this time of year I have really reflected… more so during my alone times. Seems every date I can trace back to something of significance happening, not always good, not always bad … guess I feel a bit detached from the emotions at this point and just take them as “Blessings” which is my new word … a Blessing that taught me a lesson. (I wish I could say that I came up with this … but I did’nt)
uR … somehow I knew a fuzzy 2x4 was about to come out and yes yes yes .. you are right. Again it’s like that puzzle, in my hear when its put together it should have been an amazing sunset … turns out .. it’s going to be whatever its going to be and once I can get a better picture of it it’s up to me to appreciate it and love it .. or sell it on ebay. I have been doing more of what you’ve suggested as of late and its helped…. Not only me, but it has also jumpstarted the push-pull form the W … a merry-go-round and familiar song that I am starting to tire of .. so I have been ramping up the GALs a bit more and just kinda doing my own thing to be honest.
You said something that struck a nerve about her watching and wanting her to see the loving confident strong man I have become … well 2/3 I think … the confidence is there to a point, but I think its really taken a hit … the A, and the OM … along with the spews during the crisis and as of late I am not sure as a man how much more my ego can take …. Hence me GALing more, I am back to running with a fire inside just to cope and work these things out. Is OM the man I am .. no, but I am also not a Gym owner/trainer nor do I have countless hours to work on the rock hard Abs W found oh so dreamy … I approached this with a “This is me and you can take or leave it” but her issue with the attraction and me paired with this has me processing this all out at the moment … its where I am stuck but I am working on it. I am not obese nor that far out of shape … I know this .. but its been a rather tough pill to swallow given all the intimacy issues over the past several years.
FY: How are you? Ya know … its your sitch I have been thinking about the most… knowing you are in a similar area. As far as telling her, yeah she knows .. my “I will not return to a loveless/sexless marriage” was laid out from the beginning and has been revisited and discussed. She has shown some vulnerability .. even told me I deserve these things .. at this point she says she is giving what she can … is it enough .. no .. but like you and others have said I am not at the point I am giving up on things just yet. Like you I think if I seen progress it would help, if there was some sort of effort shown it would go miles … but I also know she is working on things I can not see, her own stuff. She did share how humiliated she is about all this … how embarrassing it all must be … knowing how she was and almost waking up to the destruction must not be easy. Again … I did not do this … its her stuff to sort out. As far as options .. yeah I know .. and I think if I was going to be divorced I think that would have happened already .. so I will dig in deeper for a bit more patience, focus on myself and see how this all unfolds
