Wow, mind is blown 9

[Azzork]

Honestly, I have no idea? Earlier on in this circus I call life, I would have definatly jumped at any oppourtunity with XF! If she were to call right now, I would definatly need to think about it for a while and see through the reasons for it.

My take on it all at this point (definatly some mind reading involved but no other way to process this) I think if XF ever had a change of heart, she would do and say all the right things to try to show me how much she wants to be with me. Then after settled back in, things would fall right back into our old R. Same habits, same cycles... She would over pursue and push me into distancing. Then yell because I'm distant. I would try to get "closer" and she push me back again?

Looking back, that is how we have been for 6 or 7 years. I would pull back because she would be "clingy". Call 5-10 times a day while I was trying to get work done. Then wonder why I was an hour late getting home. Well I had the same amount of work no matter how many times my phone rings. It was a cycle that repeated time and time again. Eventually she just gave up. Started distancing herself and I never pursued. I didn't notice until it was too late and she "was done".

Anyways, I'm rambling but I think I answered your question the best I could without guessing too much.

I'm not sure how much you are following my thread, but you can see a lot of my thoughts in there. in my opinion, there's no way to KNOW for sure until you try it. With that said, I would wait until you're ready to commit to whomever you are meeting, should it get there. I would not start anything that you go in thinking its a placeholder until XF changes her mind. When you think you are there, it may be worth trying.

I feel like a broken you that's glued together. You won't know if the glue will hold until you test it.

But those are just the evolutions of my thoughts.

[Uphill]

Thanks for stopping by spiff! It means a lot to hear that the "old dance" can be modified and used for good.

As, I truely understand your tone. Like you say the Internet takes emotion out of the text but I can feel it. I know XF didn't create everything going on in my head at that point. It just feels like she waited until the lowest point in my life to drop the bomb on me?

It would have happened. I don't want to call it out of body experience, but it was like I was a spectator. I had blinders on and one thing to accomplish. No thinking was involved. It almost felt like I was a robot with somebody else at the controls.

You are also right that I am not that person anymore! I have taken that experience and learned tons from it. I have made peace with my uncles passing. I am still helping my friend rebuild his home ( hoping to have him in for Christmas!). I have also learned an overwhelming amount about relationships. It is just now to find out who will benefit from that part of this journey?

[Uphill]

Azz, I keep up with yours almost daily. I would say I follow about half of the sitch's on here but comment on few.

I kinda feel that by thinking the way I am, it's like dipping my toe in the water but not sure if I want to jump yet?

[asitis]

And you have learned how to care for yourself. You are a strong one with a lot of insights into yourself that will continue to stand you well.

As to why she chose that lowest point to bail on you, I don't know. She may not know. Neither of you may ever know. It is something you both would have to have some long talks and counseling to figure out what happened, why, how to make sure it doesn't ever again, and whether or not you can move on past that. If the opportunity arises to work on your R at that level, I'd say take it. If nothing else it will likely give you some closure and allow you to start trusting loving another again. You may likely not get that opportunity, and it will be difficult for both of you. But I'll throw out a John Gottman quote: "Within the worst relational conflicts lie the greatest opportunities for growth and intimacy." In other words, don't say it'll never work: you don't know until you try. It may work beyond your wildest dreams. Then where will you be?

[Uphill]

My take on bailing when she did... I think she was 3/4 of the way to that point before any of these things happened. I was always the "backbone" who showed none of my own emotion and comforted everybody around me. When my uncle passed away, it was the same way. But it hurt worse this time. I wore the stone face because my dad, mom, sister, cousins were all a mess. I stepped up. Broad shoulders and chin high. I was a rock for everybody.... For about 2 weeks.

A little background on this, up until I was about 18 I never had a relationship with this uncle. He was kinda a drifter. Nobody ever knew where he was for months at a time. He got a bit more stable later in life and settled down. He happened to be staying in a town a few miles from where I had about 2 years of work coming up. Out of the blue, I called him and asked if he wanted a roommate to help with bills and have company to hang out with. Overnight we went from complete strangers to best friends! We lived life recklessly and grew a strong bond over them 2 years! After that we always had a very close relationship until about 4 years ago. He got very sick with cancer. I couldn't stand to see him like that so I distanced myself. Luckily, I grew a set and reconnected with him for about 2 months before he passed.

Ok back to the story, I faked it for about 2 weeks. XF and myself had plans for a few months to go out of town with friends. Wearing my strong face, I said we're not cancelling because of me "I'm fine". I wasn't. About 3 hours into the night I lost control. I cried like I never cried before. I finally felt like it was safe to do it. I was away from all the other people who needed me to be strong and I needed to let it out. After that XF said she didn't like seeing me like that. Understandable, but I think she always looked at me like the most solid person ever.

Fast forward 2 months. House fire time. The day after the fire, we went to help my friend sort through clothes that were donated from the community. There were lots of people there but eventually everybody left. It was only XF, friend, friends wife and myself there anymore. Me and friend (he was supposed to be at the party also, both of us missed it because my truck broke down) looked at each other and both broke down. We hugged like never before. We cried and held each other. Never before have either one of us cried in front of each other. It just felt so good to see him and everybody else get out and be there for them! I looked up at one point and XF had a blank stare on her face. She immediately said in a freaked out voice "I don't like this. I don't like this at all. The 2 strongest men I have ever met are hugging and crying right here right now!"

That is about the time her demeanor changed. I think she saw her "rock" crumble and didn't think I would ever piece it back together?

[asitis]

And then maybe she grew up and was able to become her own rock so that she could be there for others? Story may still be writing itself. If she ever does come to the table, one of the issues that she'll need to work on, and between the two of you (you overcompensating responsibility & her undercompensating - the way a lot of M/R dynamics go astray)see if you can build a new dynamic that is more balanced.

Even if she isn't the one you end up working on a future R w/, it is a pattern that you'll want to address to avoid repeating it.

Not to change the subject - OK, it is - what fun things do you have planned for you or you and your S coming up? I don't want to stop you from talking, but a healthy balance of making sure you are looking at positive things in your life and plans is a good idea after exploring some of the darker paths we've taken and scary places we face.

[Uphill]

well tonight as soon as he gets here prolly just play Legos and board games. Time change has me tired early! Tomorrow hopefully be home earlier and let him get his 4wheeler out weather permitting. I'm on my own Thursday and Friday. Have plans with a few friends Friday, Thursday is up in the air yet (maybe get the groceries?). Saturday, gonna let him pick between going on a steam engine ride or the movies (after the Penn state game). Sunday morning take him to Sunday school and see what happens from there... No concrete plans but a few ideas.

[Uphill]

I really do appriciate everybody listening to me vent a bit today. I have mentioned most of this early on but I am sure it was all chopped up and didn't make much sense at the time. That was back in panic mode when thoughts didn't come out right and sounded more like babbling haha

[Uphill]

This is a strictly theoretical question. I have still not made up my mind about maybe meeting my sisters friend. Totally up in the air yet.

What I do know about her, single mom, divorced, good job, husband cheated(she found out and left while off work on maternity leave for thier son).

My question is, in a situation like that. Say it would happen and seems to be something I decide to pursue. Would it be a smart idea to let her in on my reading material? Such as DB, DR, co-dependent? So she could learn about things and grow as a person also? This is way out there, I know, but it crossed my mind and never seen a question about that come up before. Never share the playbook with the opposing team, but would that be considered opposing at that point?

[Dawgs]

What I do know about her, single mom, divorced, good job, husband cheated(she found out and left while off work on maternity leave for thier son).

No offense to some, but be careful if you do decide.

My question is, in a situation like that. Say it would happen and seems to be something I decide to pursue. Would it be a smart idea to let her in on my reading material? Such as DB, DR, co-dependent? So she could learn about things and grow as a person also? This is way out there, I know, but it crossed my mind and never seen a question about that come up before. Never share the playbook with the opposing team, but would that be considered opposing at that point?

Definitely not. To suggest something like that, especially early on, would send major red flags her way. That I would not do and if ever did, well down the road - but at that time, whats the point?