Wow, mind is blown 9

[asitis]

She didn't push you to that (she may have triggered it, but it was your issues that got you there - not meaning to sound harsh here - and you've done enough work on yourself to recognize this and are brave enough to acknowledge it to yourself at least). You don't know if you actually would have gone through with it - of course we're glad you didn't get to test that. And you are not that Uphill anymore. I understand the fear of putting yourself back into a relationship that got you to where you were not that long ago. Fear is a good thing at times. Fear will motivate you to go very slow, get the help you need, and go in with your eyes wide open. That path to that deep, deep hole is not available to the you you have become.

And you don't know whether or not you will get the chance to patch things up with XF, so don't dwell on it. You do know that for S4's sake you want to work on that R, even if it is just to be good co-parents. Your DBing will help with that. The question then is, do you feel ready to dip your toe in the water with someone else? Do you feel like you've dealt with enough of your issues to make a go of it and be healthy?

I hope you read this all in the caring spirit with which it was intended. The internet lacks the body language and voice tone cues that convey so much of the message. I respect and admire you for all you've done, and this additional disclosure only increases that. You are a good man, and I'm confident (for what my opinion is worth) that you will continue to make thoughtful and sound choices with regard to yourself, your R with your XF, your S, and any new Rs. I wish I could reach across the internets to give you a warm man hug and be there to listen.