Yr sitch sounds similar to mine. Is there any EA/PA involved?
Is she a WAW or a WW. I know they are similar but if EA then tough love is required.
Im struggling as well to get the right balance re: housework and paying for stuff and how to change the dynamic so she doesnt treat me like a BFF, whilst going about her social life without me and treating me like a glorified babysitter.
She was away for much of the weekend partying until 4am on Friday and then out all night Saturday. I did most of the housework and feeding the boys all weekend. This morning She has stacked some pots and pans (too big for dishwasher) next to the sink. Normally I would wash them by hand - not today. She put some laundry on and normally i would hang it out - not today. Tonight we would normally watch Walking Dead - not today.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
What would a normal reaction be. I know the house should be cleaned up for a guest, I mean it should be cleaned up regardless but having a guest over makes it more urgent.
I didn't clean everything, I left some work for my W. I believe I shouldn't have to all of it and I wont.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
There was a EA with a gay guy (lives across the street) in the summer, but that could only go so far as he is gay. The evening wine drinking visit have stopped. She is still texting him but it seems like friendly stuff.
We are S but have no S agreement, the kids don't know, I am sleeping in the MBR, she is in the spare room, her family knows, her boss knows. She has taken off her wedding rings. I have yet to tell my family, or anyone at work and I still have my wedding ring on. We both have separate bank accounts.
I don't know what she is thinking but she is staying at home more, she seems more plugged in to the family. She is getting more comfortable with the situation. She is saying she wants to buy a house on her own. But unless her parents help her she is stuck. So she still doesn't know what she wants.
I too have changed the dynamic. We are starting to live separate lives when the kids are not around. No watching tv together, not in the same rooms. We split up bathrooms to clean. I had to do the separate bank accounts because she maxed out a credit card over the summer, I think to give the kids a good summer before we split up???
As for dinners if she is home she cooks, if she is working late I cook for me and the kids. My W has not gone out just for the sake of going out to party, it was a bachelorette party , she is the maid of honor.
Most of the time now she is at home. She has a three day work conference next weekend, so my trust will have to be she doesn't go girls gone wild. It is out of my control. I know in the past she tells me of all the drinking that gets done. And the stuff that goes hand in hand with it.
That sounds like a long time for your W to be out, two nights in a row. You might have to confront her and make a boundary if she is not home by the time you go to bed you are locking the house and shutting all the light off.
That is not right for her to treat you like that, she has kids that need to be looked after the next day, how can she do that after coming home at 4 am in the morning? She cant, and she cant just expect you to be there to do it.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
No contact from W at work today, She worked late so I picked up kids and took them to a park then made dinner and fed them. W called the house just as she was done work and leaving for home. W came home and I put the kids to bed. We talked a little about scheduling for the kids and my W work conference at he end of the week. was good interaction even though it was limited.
After kids were in bed, I went to the basement to watch a movie. didnt see W till this morning. We said a couple of things about lunches for kids then I said bye as I left for work.
This has been a 6 days now of no arguing, no anger, no fights. The last one was me asking about bills. This was one of her reasons for separation, she said we argue all the time. Of course I argued with her about that back then.
As I was watching the movie I was missing my W but that's just one of those moments we all get.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
My W typically will stay out to 4am if she is with a particular GF who parties hard - she is D as well and went through a hellish D with a H who was an a**hole - smoking pot and watching porn in the house, etc. There was no OM/OW in that D. W goes out with her once a month typically to make up the numbers as her GF is single.
How you doing with your goals? and 180s?
All my convos with W are nice, pleasant, even funny at times, almost like the BD never occurred. S8 likes to play family card games before bedtime - in the past I let W do all bedtime duties, now I take part. Its usually on W's bed and its fun.
Each day is an opportunity ...onwards and upwards
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
With your wife going out once a month to party is not too bad. But the times coming home seem very late, especially if you have kids.
Goals with me are lacking. I do need to work on them. I am doing better on 180s. Communication was bad for m. not answering my phone, not replying to text, I didn't even activate my cell messaging.
Now its activated, I do reply to texts but after work only. The other issue was me not putting things ways after she asked me to. I do that stuff now with out being asked. I used to be unsure taking both kids out to anywhere. now I take then too all sorts of places. I used to wait for my W to plan things, now I am looking for thing to do for me and the boys, if W come ok, if not we go with out her.
The Other stuff is R stuff. She wanted more Non sexual touching, cuddling, I was too focused on sex. She wanted me to stand up for her and defend her more against my family ( they don't like her) Its still an issue even though I don't talk to my family anymore(two years now).
My Wife has old friend that is D and is giving my W bad advise, she is the one that pushed my W to take the kids out of the house and call the cops on me. Just feeding my W bad info, down the road to D, where she is at. My W just feed into it, giving her lies about me fueling the D machine they are both on.
But when my W talks to her other friends it not the same stuff they talk about. the other friends get a different story or version of truths.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
R u in shape? Do you want to be? Are you getting there?
What about your wardrobe? Do you shave and look good everyday? Do you walk tall? Speak quietly, Listen,listen listen and validate?
R u reading? What is her Primary and secondary Love Language? Can you introduce something into your day to day based on that.
Check the 5 love languages website
Last edited by Cristy; 11/03/1504:54 PM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
I have been getting in shape. I played my first soccer game on Sunday. I have mainly watching what I eat, and drinking water more.
My wardrobe I have not changed it. I don't have too much. Its all stuff my W has bought me, I still have a few shirts that I haven't worn yet.
Yes I shave and I have been changing when I get home from work to look my best. I have contacts now that I change out into and take off the glasses. When my W first met me I was wearing contacts.
I do walk tall, and by nature I talk softly. I am not a big on talking. I need to get better with validating.
I have not read those two books, The only book I really read was DB book.
The primary love language is a new concept for me. But I think hers is gifts. I mistaken that for her being materialistic. But after going to that website I see that its the thought and caring going into the gift is what she like about gifts.
Her whole family is all about gifts. In my MR I couldn't understand it as this was the opposite of my family and again I miss interpreted it as being materialistic.
Cant introduce gift giving as its one of the rules of DB, no gift buying.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
The rules are general rules and gifts are bad if you're trying to buy someone's love. It's also about doing what works. I'm not saying go buy her a car but if she ever said (just an example) that she really liked vanilla car air fresheners, and one day you happened to put one in the car-that may not be terrible imho but I could be wrong.
You seem like you're doing good bro. Proud of you.
