TBH, this situation has been simmering on the back burner for so long. I did a timeline, and noticed some of his super selfish, stroppy teenager behaviour goes back 5 years.
There were two incidents with women early on in that five year time span (and preceding the two EAs in my signature) that I felt were about inappropriate boundaries on his part, but he seemed caught in the headlights a bit, and unable/unwilling to see things from my perspective, even though I explained how I felt very precisely and very calmly. I reckon part of him was enjoying the extra attention as well. The two EAs in my signature were ones he was complicit in (according to his own confession to me).
I've been processing bits of it as I've been going along these five years, but it was a bigger picture I was missing. That's all I've done for the past three weeks...research, read, reflect and join dots together. I've been doing it for 20 hours a day basically.
Now I feel like I want to try and turn the focus on myself. I think that's a more positive, constructive way to go forwards.
Change the locks. If he wants his stuff, he needs to arrange for someone else to come pick it up (like his mother). Do not deal directly with him. This is one of those little brain tricks you play on yourself to maintain contact. Box his stuff up and put it in the garage...worse case...the doors to the house are locked and he can't get in but his garage door opener can still open the garage and give him access to his stuff out there.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
I'm very worried about finances. My H encouraged me to become financially dependent on him a number of years ago, offered to support me so I could follow a dream I had. It took a while, but I accepted. It was something he was offering out of kindness, and I thought that was one of the things marriage was about. I am now worried sick about how I am going to survive and manage financially.
Worrying yourself sick isn't favorable. Getting some clarity and support will do you a world of good.
I strongly suggest that you schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach when you are financially able to do so. I know you will find this to be extremely helpful. Please call me at 303-444-7004 so we can work something out.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
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Change the locks. If he wants his stuff, he needs to arrange for someone else to come pick it up (like his mother). Do not deal directly with him. This is one of those little brain tricks you play on yourself to maintain contact. Box his stuff up and put it in the garage...worse case...the doors to the house are locked and he can't get in but his garage door opener can still open the garage and give him access to his stuff out there.
Thank you.
One of the next things I need to do is get a little legal advice on this.
I want to find out if he has a right to access because his stuff is there, we are married and he has been paying most of the mortgage.
If he were to come round and I had changed the locks, could he legally break the lock to get in? Because he has a right to stay there? Or would that be a crime he is committing? And could I, theoretically, call the police?
I want to be totally sure about this,nowhere I stand and my rights.
December last year he was working away and staying with a landlady. She inadvertently locked him out one night (she thought he was in his room, and he was out on the town).
When he got back, the front door was locked. He considered going round the back of the house and climbing the drainpipe to his room on the first floor, but went back round the front and bust the lock instead. I don't want that to happen...
One of the next things I need to do is get a little legal advice on this.
Thank you.
I'm still a bit shocked that I'm even in this situation.
Anyway, I know when he has to be back in our home town again to start another stint of work. I reckon he'll be staying with her and cementing his new PA until then. I don't think he will be in touch while this is all happening.
Is there anything else I should be thinking of in the meantime?
Well, yesterday turned out well. And I'm also still feeling the positive knock on effects of it this morning.
Yesterday I decided to do something entirely for myself and on my own.
I left early in the morning, travelled 4 hours there to do it, and then travelled the four hours back in the evening afterwards.
When I got home I was pretty tired and had no trouble falling asleep and staying asleep (only been sleeping 3 or 4 hours a night these past 3 weeks).
I actually really enjoyed myself. All throughout the day, I didn't think about much of what has been going on, and I felt calm and capable. It was only when I was on the very final part of my journey home that the whole thing started coming back to me. But it was well after midnight by then, and I think it was also because I was so tired.
One thing I've been noticing over the past few days, but definitely yesterday, is that I'm not alone in the world. People speak to you. I know this sounds silly, but I'm quite shy and an introvert. My husband is a total extrovert and really enjoys being in the middle of things and being the life and soul. I guess I've always been in his shadow a bit.
But I've felt so appreciative of people taking the time to share even little things with me (work colleagues as well as out and about), and enjoyed that too. I'm not talking massive in depth conversations, about life and the universe and everything, more about sharing a little bit of themselves and what's important in their lives.
And I've noticed how positively people respond when you take a little care and time to share a little of yourself. I've always really done this in my work, but less in my life outside work because I'm shy.
This morning I'm appreciating the quiet and *stillness* in the house. There's no life sapping underlying tension, no more treading on eggshells, no more drama.
I know this all sounds like I'm really strong, and I've heard so many people describe me as strong and resilient (over the past few years especially). I'm totally shattered by everything that's happened, and also that it's all been going on for so long (I traced the start of all of this stroppy teenager behaviour back to starting five years ago now).
I think I've just reached the point where I am willing to choose the stillness and peace over the attachment to my husband (I have no idea *who* he is at the moment). And choosing that over the attachment to what we had (he destroyed what we had three and a half weeks ago with his outburst...like someone being sick on you).
Ugg, he posted something on FB, clearly in a lot of anger. One of those 'read between the lines', passive aggressive kind of posts
I've taken him off my 'close friends' lists, so I won't get a notification when he posts. I've also unfollowed him, so I'm not getting his updates in my news feed.
If anyone can offer any help, I'd be really grateful. I've gone from feeling reasonably OK this morning, if tired, to feeling cornered and humiliated.
