have i been making mistakes too long part 7

[otw]

i think it may be time to set your boundaries. She doesnt want to talk about it or do anything because she is cake eating.

I hope some vets can chime here. I know there are two options. One you could push things forward yourself to kind of force things to happen, but this is also against what we want in the end. Very confusing, but i do know this. You can not continue to live the way you are. It is not healthy for you or your kids. You will create a lot of issues for all involved until something really bad happens.

I know the standard advice is ignore what she does and GAl etc...but the in house is so hard to do that.

[tkdmme]

otw,

Yea I would live to hear what the vets have to say about it.

How did you and the W set up child visitation?

[otw]

we knew there was no way that a judge would do anything less than 50/50. She wrote up a few plans and when i picked one i thought would work she actually tried to disagree with it!! When she tried to sort something else out it didnt work and we went back to the original.

we do me M,Tues then her W, and Thur, then me Fri, Sat, half of sunday and then the entire thing flops where she starts the week M, Tues etc...

so we go 2 nights without having them at max. On the days i dont have them i will go visit them at school. I can not go without seeing them everyday.

[CaliGuy]

I recall just prior to my split my W went to a movie with a friend ... Most likely was OM but at the time I was still in the dark, around 11 I TM her as you did... Worried... Was informed I need not worry, she was a big girl and could take care of herself. I used this every chance I got... I did not get here till way late in my sitch but this did help me detach a bit when she would try to pull me in and cake eat

She has this all going her way ... Everything... She is better at the manipulation game than you will ever be.... You need to get off her roller coaster for a bit and focus on you. If you've made plans with the kids, grab them and do your thing before she has a chance to plot. If she stays out till 9 a.m. .... Is that disrespectful? Sure.... But in her kind you are nothing more than a grumpy Roomate who stands between her and happiness

Time to figure out what you want ... She is not respecting you currently and she can not love a man she does not respect .... Use this time to become a better man, and do what you need to do to protect yourself

[Huddy]

Clint would probably say 'to hell with you, the kid is staying with me'. Difficult to say that isn't it? In the back of your mind you're thinking 'if I say anything like that, it'll just push her away, even more'. Look at it the other way - she might see that as being strong and that she can't take it for granted that you'll do everything she wants, her way. You don't have to be cold or harsh (although, that takes practice) but just stand firm.

I agree with the cake eating argument. She can behave as badly/irresponsibly as she wants and you'll just take it - right? No. You have to start detaching a bit. The buying you a heat pack is her way of saying 'I can still do what I want. I only have to do a little and T will think I still need him!'.

She's like a sea siren. Beware.

[tkdmme]

Guys, Thanks for the replies and advise.

I want to us to separate. I know that its the only way that anything could possibly get better between us. The problem is that, even though she has said she would leave numerous times, she is still in the house. What am I to do? I have no one in town that I can live with for free and I cant pay our mortgage and rent an apartment. there is no solution to my problem. Why on earth would she not just move in with her mother.

When she has said she would move out in the past I would get a knot in my stomach and start feeling worried. However this past weekend when she said she would move out, I felt relieved and started to think of the things around the house I could get done without her there. I felt like I would finally start to truly detach.

I don't know how anyone can truly detach during an in house separation. im not sure its even possible.

[mutatio]

You are clinging to a memory. You are a prisoner of your mind, your wife is gone. Simply let go and live in reality of this moment. Let go of her and the burden will be lifted.

[mutatio]

I hope you don't think I am minimizing you situation. I found this was the only way to dig myself out of the hole I was in from a in house separation. Good luck tkdmme.

[sandi2]

I really want to accept it and give her what she wants at this point. Its just very hard. She says that it took her a long time to get to this point where she no longer wants to work on our M. It may also take me the same amount of time.

That point was made clear to me a few years ago. Sometimes it takes years before a W is ready to call it quits. She waits till she's through and then drops the bomb on her H. Most W's just want it over quickly and friendly as possible. The poor H is shell shocked and he's panicked and can't coop with what he's hearing and seeing in his W. He has not had years to adjust to idea of ending the M.

So, you have a very valid point.

I think teaching my kids to follow through with plans they have made is a good thing. Am I being selfish for trying to make him follow through?

No, but I think you need to talk to your W about this issue. Tell her from this point forward, the two of you need to discuss it and decide beforehand.

As far as being selfish, I don't agree with her. The child obviously wanted to hang out with you. However, I do think fathers are very sensitive to what little time they have with their children after trouble is come into the M. Maybe selfish is not the correct wording.

I told her that it was disrespectful for her not to even let me know she wasn't coming home. She said it is none of my business if she comes home or not.

I forget, are the two of you in-house S?

Okay, if that's the rules she wants, then don't call or text her anymore about what time she's coming home. Lock the doors, and turn out every single light in the house and porches. Then go to bed and if you happen to be awake when she shows up.....you pretend you're asleep. No questions the next morning.

I would think it is common courtesy to let someone know so they are not worried. Am I wrong? I was up most of the night worried if she was ok. She is a heavy drinker and I have always been there to make sure she got home ok.

It is common courtesy! However, your W is not that common person, right? And why are you still doing these things that she doesn't appreciate, such as staying up worried and making sure she gets home alright?

I know I shouldn't but I still worry for her safety and I thought it was plain rude not to at least call and say "hey I wont be home tonight.

Here's a tip. WW's are rude to the H.

[tkdmme]

Thanks Sandi,

Yes we are still in the same house.