Becoming the Anchor, Part 5

[Vanilla]

Which one, V? The night I went bonkers the whole thing was recorded by the officers on the scene, too.


I trust you didn't say this at the time, it was your actions recorded and I doubt anyone could hold you to your words when you were in so much distress. This is a separate convo, admissions when goaded are different to cool head acceptances in my book. Unless I misunderstanding the timing of the convos.
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A really weak part of me still wants to save M.

I don't see this as weak. Standing for M and Anc, with a new M not a repeat of the M you currently have. Anc, I stand for this too.

I argued with H, said what I'd done was stupid, but not impossible to forgive. I said it didn't even rate as high as adultery in things that would be difficult to forgive.

He said I'd threatened to kill him when I lost my head.

so.... Words and thoughts aren't actions!

Apparently, he is afraid I will snap again one day and kill him.

I doubt that very much indeed.

I think he's grasping at straws. 21 years, and I've never even broken a plate. He really wants out. I'm so upset about the extortion and affairs (pretty sure they're an indication of lack of character) I'm not sure what I'm trying to save.

He's really pushing me on D. I said I had to deal with criminal stuff first. He said it could all go away, it was up to me...

Truly horrible, a great H would want it to be resolved without you being hurt in any way.

I have no memory of it, so can't argue one way or the other. I clearly "lost it".

It is called flooding, I will find you a link. Under stress many of us flood, some like me with chronic anxiety.

I've been working hard to understand how it happened and beginning to forgive myself. I've made good progress on it. What can I do? It happened. I learned. Now, I'm recovering.

I will find you a good link to flooding. It can change, and it can be an isolated issue.

If WH is recording me now, I'm being careful in what I say. Unlike H, I am not confused. He is starting to suspect me, though. I didn't record today's conversation because of that.

Be very careful around WH. Treat like a stick of dynamite. When everything is in place then trigger a good rant by WH and have it recorded.

I've got a new device coming tomorrow that he shouldn't even notice.

Brilliant.

I think my point tonight is that I finally realize the futility of arguing with a WH. Any logic, any differing opinion...doesn't matter. All roads lead to H being a victim.

I'm also really beginning to understand the contempt with which H treats me. So, I'm asking myself, "what exactly are you fighting for?" I can't change his mind, get him to see reason, or treat me with respect.

With this sort of behaviour I agree. You will earn respect for ANC, when you when you stand for Anc.

It's time for me to practice what I preach. Focus on myself. Stop fighting the D. Let H go.

I'm not crying tonight. I feel sad, resigned...but not depressed. Just ready to move on...well, get out of his way is more like it. It seems out of H's sight is the safest place for me.

Grey rock.......

V