have i been making mistakes too long part 7

[otw]

having the talk with the kids was one of the hardest things i ever did. My w didnt shed one tear though. I look back at things and wished we told them sooner. Thye are not dumb and can see more than we do as well.

I have felt a little better since talking to them. The worrying about them nonstop has eased up as i now know their reactions and can deal with it head on. Yes it is terrible either way, but i think maybe it is time.

[ATPeace]

Sometimes it is easier to see things when you look at them from an outside view

My W said the same thing ...go out date I think you should i want you to be happy

I started texting a lady that I had met I am not ready to give up on my marriage so I have cooled things with the lady that I am chatting to still will talk but not to the same level ...I am not going to move anything forward with her till I am sure i want to move on with W

As to the other man bringing up children I have felt this too and it is a normal reaction ...I have been told so many times keep it in the present it has not happend yet ...when it happens and if then we deal with it

One thing that I am trying to do is to start to evaluate things for what they are rather than reacting emotionally I find this helps me to keep my emotions in check

Take care

Ghost

[tkdmme]

Thanks for the replies.

This is the worst part of the day for me lately. The thought of going back to what used to be my home hurts my soul in way that cant be explained. Walking through the house on the way to what used to be our bedroom I pass all of the memories we have shared over the past 16 years. All of the pictures from our wedding and of the kids in various stages of life still hang on the walls but have lost all of their meaning. The house has been a wreck lately and I have no desire to clean. I usually walk straight to my room and change clothes. It is at this time when I have to really get my game on. I have to stop sulking and feeling sorry for myself. I then go hang out with the kids for awhile before going into my music room. Actually the W has taken over the music room and made it her bedroom. That doesn't stop me from making my way to the piano.
Sitting behind the piano everything fades and I feel comfortable. This has been my fortress of solitude since I was a child. Im not sure why im telling you all this. I guess I just wanted to write. Thank God for the little things.

[ATPeace]

Tdk I feel for you I really do

Keep working on you this is what I have been told and is what I am trying to action

Every morning I make the bed I do it perfectly I used to chuck the duvet over the top now I care about how it looks

Do not be afraid to tidy give yourself a purpose be strong I have days just the same

My wife took over my office for her bedroom

We cannot control them we cannot make them want to be with us I feel responsible for the breakdown in my marriage but it does take two I know it does she does not see it this way in time perhaps she will I do not know

I will become the best I can become that is all I can do

Take care

Ghost. ...I am not the best at giving advice or taking it but I am trying to learn

[tkdmme]

Ghost,

I have been reading your thread since you started here and you are definitely doing a lot better as far as I can tell. Your advise is appreciated and I too am trying to learn to take advise and use it correctly.

The hardest thing for me at this point is accepting things the way they are right now. I keep thinking this is something that I can manipulate into what I want. I know that there is nothing I can say or do to effect the way the W feels about me and our R. There has been times that I have felt like I was getting to a point of acceptance but then I go back to trying to fix things.

I think I am at that point again but I have been wrong so many times I don't trust my feelings.

I really want to accept it and give her what she wants at this point. Its just very hard. She says that it took her a long time to get to this point where she no longer wants to work on our M. It may also take me the same amount of time.

We got along fine last night and I asked her to be patient with me and that I was really trying to understand and accept what is happening. I agreed that things were less than perfect in our R. I validated her feelings for the first time instead of fighting her on her decision.

I know that I should not have brought this up to her but the look on her face was worth it. I could tell that she was relieved and we both walked away peacefully.

[tkdmme]

W and I had a bit of an argument this past weekend.

My S10 and I had plans for Friday night to hang out. We had been looking forward to pizza and a movie. My D12 asked to go to grandmothers for the night witch I agreed to. The problem came in when my W asked S10 if he wanted to go to the grandmother's. he said no. after awhile the W asked the S10 are you sure you don't want to go to grandmothers house. He was hesitant and finally said he would go. I told the W and S10 that we had made plans. The W told me I was being selfish and trying to make S10 feel guilty about going to grandmother's house. In the end all of the children went to grandmother's house.

I think teaching my kids to follow through with plans they have made is a good thing. Am I being selfish for trying to make him follow through?

On a whole other note. My W went out with her friend that same night. I fell asleep rather early and woke up around 2am. She was still not home. I sent a text asking if she would be coming home and got no response. She showed up at 9am. I told her that it was disrespectful for her not to even let me know she wasn't coming home. She said it is none of my business if she comes home or not.

I would think it is common courtesy to let someone know so they are not worried. Am I wrong? I was up most of the night worried if she was ok. She is a heavy drinker and I have always been there to make sure she got home ok.

I know I shouldn't but I still worry for her safety and I thought it was plain rude not to at least call and say "hey I wont be home tonight.

I would love some input on these things.

[Huddy]

Classic manipulation in operation here. She clearly didn't want the kids to spend the night with you, so engineered a situation which pressurised your S to go to the grandparents. Then, of course, when you complained, it's your fault. See the pattern?

As for texting her, well, that was a bit of a no brainer really - you shouldn't have done it. I know it hurts that she's out like an alley cat, but, you should be trying to detach from the situation, acting as if nothing is bothering you. I know it's difficult. Whilst it is disrespectful, I doubt she'd even notice if you did the same.

I know you care, your her H, but she's sacked you from your responsibilities. She has to wear her own big girl pants. What would Clint do?

[otw]

Huddy,
I know what you are saying is true, but what would Clint do? Maybe kick her sorry butt out! LOL.

T, I know that is difficult to deal with. It is part of the inhouse separation. The most difficult thing i ever did. My W has been gone 2 days and it is much better not being in the same house. Yes it may be closer to the end, but the not knowing what she is doing and constantly watching is tough.

I figure if things are going to have a chance then we need to separate physically. I dont know your thoughts on this.

[tkdmme]

yes I see the pattern. What can I do about it the next time it arises? at the time I thought that it would be best to keep my mouth shut and let the kids go to grandma's.

I also know that sending the text was not the right thing to do. I knew that as I was writing it. I knew that she wouldn't respond and I would be upset.

On another note, I have been having back trouble and was in need of a heating pad. My W went out last night for groceries and brought back a heating pad for me. I thanked her and started towards my room. I heard my S8 tell the W "that was really nice for you to get dad a heating pad even though you don't love him anymore".

I don't know how she can continue this destruction of our family when the kids are clearly hurting. He has said things like this on several occasions and she acts as if the kids are not effected. It breaks my heart to hear him say things like that.

He said to both of us the other night "I know you both are fighting and that you both are stressed but just remember we are all family.

He says things like this all of the time. I cant imagine what it is going to be like when we finally D and they have to face that reality.

[tkdmme]

otw,

I completely agree. After the argument over her not coming home, she said, for the 5th or 6th time, that she would move in with her mother. She is still home and has made no plans to move out. She even said that the only chance we have to reconcile would be to separate for awhile. I completely agree with her and I know it would be easier for me if she was to leave but she will not go through with it. Its making me crazy.

I asked her to sit down and set up some guidelines for the separation and she will not. Her inaction is the thing that bother me the most.

Every time I try to talk to her about it she clams up and wont answer any questions. Its like she wants this thing but refuses to accept what it truly means.