Ugh. Calm talk with H. He informs me I can place blame for destroying the family firmly on myself. We were going to work it out until I freaked out.
Finally, finally, I understand the futility of R talks with a H-WAS. No matter what, H is always a victim and I am always a perpetrator. If I admit to some responsibility, I somehow become responsible for all.
He continues his extortion scheme, unaware I have it recorded. He says I can make all my problems go away if I'll agree to his terms. I believe I'm getting ready to turn onto "Done" Rd. This is ridiculous.
I wish he'd never agreed to work on us. I'd be so much farther along by now, although I would be unaware of how deep his betrayals go...not sure that knowledge has helped me in any way.
Ancaire, that just stinks. Actually, words much stronger than that. I'm sorry that your husband has become this way. You definately don't deserve that. Stay strong and protect yourself. Financially, emotionally, physically and any other way.
Wishing you the best
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Wow, that sounds like an awful position to be in Ancaire. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Don't be upset that you agreed to work on your M. You did what your heart said was right and should be proud that you made the effort, not matter what the outcome (still undecided right?!) may be.
Stay strong.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
A really weak part of me still wants to save M. I argued with H, said what I'd done was stupid, but not impossible to forgive. I said it didn't even rate as high as adultery in things that would be difficult to forgive.
He said I'd threatened to kill him when I lost my head. Apparently, he is afraid I will snap again one day and kill him.
I think he's grasping at straws. 21 years, and I've never even broken a plate. He really wants out. I'm so upset about the extortion and affairs (pretty sure they're an indication of lack of character) I'm not sure what I'm trying to save.
He's really pushing me on D. I said I had to deal with criminal stuff first. He said it could all go away, it was up to me...
I felt true hatred and disgust. I raised 5 children, offered compassion and forgiveness, been a loyal faithful wife for 20 years...and this is my thanks?
Ancaire, I just drank half a bottle of wine so I hope that doesn't reflect in my post. Do not fall for his blackmail scheme. He is a desperate man. Stay calm, talk through your L, disengage. You have the rest of your life to figure out what happened, but right now you need to disengage and stop trying to make sense of this. There is no sense. Protect yourself. Heal, hide, cry, go for walks, pray, whatever you need to do to get through each day. This is your season to walk through this pain, walk through it. You will come out on the other end. It will hurt, there is no way around it, just get through it. You are not to blame. My heart breaks for you. Eat well, sleep if you can, seek company of family and friends. This is going to take time. Be well my friend, you are not alone.
1. If it is abuse, you need out. I mean really. Do not be near him if he is capable of going off like that
2. You need to detach and learn your triggers so that you can remain calm, cool, collected and the hardest one, confident. You are in charge of your actions. If you feel that feeling like you are going to lose it, practice something else, leaving the scene immediately, snapping a rubber band on your wrist, counting to 10, going to your happy place, whatever it takes to NOT REACT in a negative way.
3.
Quote:
He informs me I can place blame for destroying the family firmly on myself. We were going to work it out until I freaked out.
If I have read all your posts correctly, this is just pure script. "Well, I had been thinking about it and was going to give you another chance until you did [fill in the blank]. Now look what you've done". It is the perfect way to blamshift to you!
Focus on you to get clear on what you want. One affair forgivable, two affairs, three... He has issues you have no control over. No one can tell you what is right for you, just don't decide from the position of fear.
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
Which one, V? The night I went bonkers the whole thing was recorded by the officers on the scene, too.
I have no memory of it, so can't argue one way or the other. I clearly "lost it". I've been working hard to understand how it happened and beginning to forgive myself. I've made good progress on it. What can I do? It happened. I learned. Now, I'm recovering.
If WH is recording me now, I'm being careful in what I say. Unlike H, I am not confused. He is starting to suspect me, though. I didn't record today's conversation because of that. I've got a new device coming tomorrow that he shouldn't even notice.
I think my point tonight is that I finally realize the futility of arguing with a WH. Any logic, any differing opinion...doesn't matter. All roads lead to H being a victim.
I'm also really beginning to understand the contempt with which H treats me. So, I'm asking myself, "what exactly are you fighting for?" I can't change his mind, get him to see reason, or treat me with respect.
It's time for me to practice what I preach. Focus on myself. Stop fighting the D. Let H go.
I'm not crying tonight. I feel sad, resigned...but not depressed. Just ready to move on...well, get out of his way is more like it. It seems out of H's sight is the safest place for me.
I have to be honest, if this is how your husband is going to act for the next 30 years, your better off with a divorce. Ancaire he is treating you badly. With a husband like this who needs enemies.
One last memory...H wants me to fire my L. I don't need one, he says. We can both use his.
Now, how does that make sense? I told him he could fire his, and we could both use mine...he came back with mine charges twice as much.
I'm keeping my L. She's got copies of audio, is aware of his scheming, aware of his affairs, aware of my health issues...I'd really be an idiot to agree with him on this. He tried to tell me tonight he wasn't a total arsehole...by whose definition, I wonder?
But to distill it down: