Re: She Wants Me to Leave....3rd Time in 4 Years 2

[isittoolate]

My personal goals are advancing quite well after 4 days:

14. I will take care of myself with regard to sleep and reduce my sleeping pills. Half Dose
15. I will maintain my present weight and not lose anymore. Weight stable
16. I will shave each and every day  Done
17. I will get a new Hairstyle? 
18. I might get some Botox? (If W can have it so can I!) Booked
19. I will do spontaneous act of kindness to friend, neighbour or stranger as opportunities arise.
20. I will assert myself physically through open  body language, stand tall, eye contact, face W, listen, don't interrupt, validate. Have started ok
21. I will look to update my wardrobe - not urgent. One item bought
22. I will read NMMNG, Codependent No More and Hold on to your NUTS. Halfway through NMMNG

[isittoolate]

Today has been very similar to yesterday.

When W finally came home , convos were good with no tension or resentment.

It ended with all of us boys and w and me getting cuddly on the couch watching TV. Of course the boys were between me and W. But it was still nice.

W also thanked me for a small present I gave her. It's a bit complicated to explain but I ate her favourite chocolate from her chocolate box - I had had a few drinks and ate one not knowing it was her favourite . It was last Saturday

She was briefly upset, so this weekend Ireplaced the one favourite with 6 - I put them in the box and she discovered them today. She was genuinely thankful.

So a good weekend.

This week coming I am working from home. W is out at work each day from 6::45 and the boys are back at school. W is out overnight in London on Wednesday - small medical conference.

I will be going to salsa Monday and Tuesday

[isittoolate]

Trying to change the dynamic at home and make sure that I do not become just a BFF is difficult. I'm too much of a Nice Guy!

Last night after kids were in bed I read for a bit in my room. Normally I would be downstairs with W watching a bit of TV for an hour or two then bed.

As I read in bed it felt like I was blanking her so I decided to go downstairs and read in the room instead of watching TV. She greeted me cordially enough.

After 20 mins I then said I was off to bed. She was a little surprised as it was early, but just said goodnight.

This could continue all week. I dont want to blank her but I also don't want to be available like a BFF watching cosy TV but without the cuddles and snuggling.

tonight I will be out from 6:45 - 8pm then home and help put kids to bed , then I will make my meal, then shower. which takes us to 9:30 or so. Then retire to my room or watch TV - our favourite program is on tonight from 9-10.

Also doing housework, food shopping etc. Traditionally if I was working from home I would do 70-80% as I had time in the day to do the launfry or go grocery shopping. Do I just half? or even less?

[Ripe]

I'm too much of a Nice Guy!

Last night after kids were in bed I read for a bit in my room. Normally I would be downstairs with W watching a bit of TV for an hour or two then bed.

As I read in bed it felt like I was blanking her so I decided to go downstairs and read in the room instead of watching TV. She greeted me cordially enough.

Reading this part of your post, isittoolate, just reminded me of my DBing between January and June, when my STBXW and I reconciled briefly.
I would go to bed to read since I felt more comfortable alone than in a room with her not having anything to say. But, unlike you, I would stay there. After some time I started noticing that W would come to the bedroom to talk about nothing, so she was the one having to initiate the talking. After a while the mood got better and I started staying in the living room. Soon after we started watching TV series together.
Why don't you try and go to bed earlier two or three times and see what happens? But this time stay there.

[isittoolate]

Hi Ripe

Thanks for yr input.

W and I have good communication on everything except intimate feelings and R. She doesn't like silence or an 'atmosphere'.

Tonight I am taking S8 to Beavers for his 'swimming up' ceremony. Next week he will be a Cub
After that I will go to the gym for a quick 45min workout then direct to salsa lesson.
W is potentially home later depending on traffic and will pick up S8.

We had a convo on phone which I cut short, I could tell she wanted to talk about her day.

[isittoolate]

Also during the convo W started to 'organise' me....you need to start kids dinner at such-and-such time, then get uniform out, then drive to...etc.

I cut her short ..' I know what to do'....she backed off and said sorry.

This is part of the new me. Dont take any crap from her. Stand tall, I'm a grown adult, I can organise childcare, etc She can make her own lunch, do her own dishes, hang out her own laundry.

Yesterday I changed all the bed linen from my and kids beds...I left hers. I washed and dryed and put fresh linen on.
W came home and much later I saw her changing her own linen - I joked with her about it and she smiled and said 'she didnt want to be left out'

[Huddy]

The difficult bit is to be detached without being cold. That's a thin line to negotiate.

[isittoolate]

Hi Huddy

Correct...but I feel its coming as I get better sleep and feel less paranoid about her social life. My anxiety levels are way down and I'm off the sleeping pills, although still get broken sleep.

[Huddy]

Yeah, broken sleep and nightmares continue for me, even seven months in. I think that is a way of your brain dealing with the stress while you try and get on with the day as normally as you can.

[isittoolate]

This evening was interesting.

When W got home slightly earlier than expected I asked whether she wanted to take S8 to his last Beavers night. She said yes . 5 mins later I said I was going out and she was a little taken aback. It was 5pm.
'You said it (salsa) started at 7:15 until 8:15.'
I said ' 6:45 until 8:30 but it carries on until 12'

She looked away and looked pretty unhappy.

I was going to the gym and then to salsa so I told her. I then went to the gym.

I cut my gym time short (1 hour) and went home again. W said why. I gave her plausible excuse and said I wanted to shave as well. I want her to realise she has no control over what I do and where I go.

I went to salsa and it was great. I really enjoyed it. Met a few new people and will definitely go back next week. The absolute beginners course starts next week.

After salsa I went home and later watched Walking Dead with W. I figured that I would watch TV with her, BUT only those programmes I truly wanted to watch..and the Walking Dead is my favourite at the moment. I will only do stuff for my needs not hers. NMMNG.