Btw, don't confuse stating a boundary with having a relationship talk. You don't "discuss" your boundary with her, you just state it. No asking for her cooperation or agreement. If she tries to pull you in to more talk, you turn and leave her. She doesn't have to agree with it, b/c you aren't asking her permission or approval, you are telling her your boundary. She doesn't have to like it. It is your boundary.....not hers.
Start with the lack of respect she shows. Take one at a time, b/c you don't need to make it a speech nor give her a list of things all together.
I don't think I would try and reword your boundary about the talking MR in front of the kids. You'll do better at wording on the next one.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am trying to detach mentally and it’s a slow process but I can feel myself shifting (ie. not as anxious wondering who she is texting because I have no control over that). The process is also dragged out because majority of our (me and W) free time and social life revolves around our kids.
Journaling A typical weekday, W leavings for work by giving kids hugs and saying good-bye to them but makes no gesture towards me these days. This morning, she called me few minutes after she left the house reminding me that I need to pay bills.
Her twisted view is that I want to take over the financials therefore I should be responsible for paying the bills. I am willing to take on this responsibility (to manage the finances) but this is not what I communicated.
Over the past few conversations W and I had, I did tell her 2-3 times that since she has OM I do not need to support her financially; that I am happy to split the cost of living. This is somewhat of a boundary, right? But how can I enforce this? We still married and where I live it is 50/50 in the eyes of the law. Over the weekend I learned the 2k in cash she withdrew without telling me was deposited back to account a few days after the withdraw. Not sure if she took the cash to get a reaction from me or something/someone else.. I did not and have not asked.
Bottomline, W spends outside her means (aka income) and historically during a M counseling session earlier this year she voiced (when she was upset.. because I was snooping) that she only needs me for the financial support so I know cutting her from this will get her upset but I don’t care and need to be responsible for me and kids (I do not know her these days).
Journaling We do not live near family (relatives). In-laws will not be visiting this year so I am still thinking of things to do with my kids over their Thanksgiving break. However, kids do not want to go anywhere unless W joins us (aka family trip) but W doesn’t want too. This su@!
To be honest, I don’t mind taking kids by myself (offers me a break from W) but my kids would have an opinion about spending holiday away from their mom and I would not want to do that to them too.
It started from a sarcastic tone W takes towards me that she is going to get her own credit card and bank account because she does not want to ruin her credit score due to my lack of ability to pay bills on time. I calmly say, ok. Then she asks, “who is Cheryl”? I reply, “Cheryl is someone I worked with at <blank>”. W says, “you better check on her she is nauseous. She texted you (was that just a WW's BS). I looked on your phone and replied back to her.” Cheryl (not her real name) has been a friend to me from the beginning and has helped me w/ my sit before I came to this board. She has health issues and continues to be a friend.
We touch upon the abortion (she immediately cries). I ask her why does she cry each time the topic surfaces. She replies because I am mad at you (she stressed that it was not a good time to be physical (that I did not listen) and that I was not there for her during procedure). My response was that I can never feel the deep emotion lost/sadness she feels; but I share similar feelings (true empathy for her makes me very sad).
W also shares that she backed herself into corner because we bought the house from her parents (that was her inheritance) so we could live in this city (rather than neighboring cities). That I changing $$ accounts locked her out of the large $$ (but I did that to protect me and kids because of what she recently did.. I do not know her and what she does). This leads her to say that she sees me as being selfish and cannot change (the other example she shares is the MBR situation) that I have never put her first.. honestly, from her viewpoint of what she shares I have no response.. but internally it kills me because she is the most important person in my life and I never showed it.
She asked me to define a R. So I shared what I learned from this sit.. how a R is about supporting and being there for your partner. She response that I was not there for her when her grandmother was dying that I made it hard for her to go see her grandmother before she died (but I NEVER told her NOT to go.. you can say I was an a$$ because I did not encourage her to go). She continued to twist it by saying, I feel she turned her back on the R when I was never there to support her (making reference to the definition of a R just shared.. suppose this is her trying to justify her A).
She shares that her parents (and grandparents) probably would tell her that the sit we are in; she needs to stop being selfish. So she takes this as she cannot be happy for herself. At that moment I felt her sadness.
The conversation ends, I take the dog for his nightly walk and receive a text from her “Tell Cheryl I hope she feels better. Hope its not the stomach flu. Or maybe she’s suffering from morning sickness. Was I not suppose to know about your conversations with her?”. I suppose she thinks I having an A (but I not AND she should know I can’t get anyone preg.. got fixed). I do not response. Question, suppose I was in an A (which I am not) why is she mad at me? She fired me as her H. Earlier this year, she told me in front of MC that she is happy that I am making changes to better myself but cannot be happy with me. What to do next?
Continuation. WW is still upset. This morning, kids eating breakfast and I am putting dishes away and making their lunch. WW walks in and says, “did you talk to Cheryl last night. Is she okay? Does she have morning sickness”? My kids ask, “who is Cheryl”? So I quickly respond in hopes of ending WW remarks, “she is a friend daddy use to work with” and I change the subject. WW takes one more jab and says, “if you were a good friend wouldn’t you want someone to ask how you are feeling”? I ignore her and ask the kids about their breakfast.
So weird. Previously, she would always be mindful never to discuss MR issues in front of kids. Of course she has told me never to use the word NEVER (she made reference that she NEVER thought she would have an abortion at age 40 or have an A).
I do not get it. Why is WW upset at me talking to someone? Unlike her, this is NOT an A (there is no E or P support). She turned her back on me and MR. If she thinks this is an A so what? Why should she care (and be upset)?
Yesterday, WW and I talked for 1.5 hours on MR. I started the conversation by asking why was she upset; knowing that she is probably upset that I removed her from bank account and that I received a text from another woman.
I guessed it. She said she needed to protect herself from me since I can just take her off of bank account.. that she was going to open her own bank account.. that she needed to watch out for herself. But in my mind I was thinking, she did it to me first by taking 2k in cash and not telling me (she put the 2k back into account a few days later but I did not know). The bank account I closed, I told her that I changed the account to a higher yield savings but forgot to tell her and the bank forgot to add her as joint owner.. semi true but the underlining reason I did it was to protect myself and my kids; being responsible (because I do not know her and what she might do). Oh.. She did share she was going to buy another purse with that 2k. REALLY?!?.. again thinking to myself.. are you FU#@ crazy.. a 2k purse!!
W called me a hypocrite. She said I pretended to be suffering from her A but here I was texting another woman. I shared she has been a friend for a long time and I have mentioned her name when I use to work at that former company (and I honestly have no feelings towards female friend.. feels like any another other female acquaintance/friend/co-worker/etc). Not sure if she believed me but why should she care (why is she upset and giving me attitude)? She is the one who turned away from our R.
Those were the 2 new topics. Rest of conversation is the same.. the abortion surfaces.. tears begin to flow.. how I was not there for her.. and I agree (I have to be honest.. looking at our R prior to abortion through her eyes I would not want to be with me either).. but I am making small changes to improve myself.
After talk, things fall back into a typical night. Dinner together as a family. W and I go out doing our parent volunteer work together while kids at their sport practices. Did I just fall for the WW trap?
I did tell her 2-3 times that since she has OM I do not need to support her financially; that I am happy to split the cost of living. This is somewhat of a boundary, right? But how can I enforce this?
That's the thing, you need to know if and how you can enforce it before you say it. Don't pop off something to her, and then come ask us how can you enforce it. Know what I mean?
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Last night, W and I talk for 1.5 hours on R.
Why did you take part of the talk?
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We touch upon the abortion
Why? You should know by now that she's going to repeat the same pattern as she has continued to do.
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W says, “you better check on her she is nauseous. She texted you (was that just a WW's BS). I looked on your phone and replied back to her.”
Why are you leaving text messages on your phone that your W can read? She will be finding you on this board if you are not more careful.
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This leads her to say that she sees me as being selfish and cannot change (the other example she shares is the MBR situation) that I have never put her first.. honestly, from her viewpoint of what she shares I have no response.. but internally it kills me because she is the most important person in my life and I never showed it.
In her frame of mind, she will see this the way she wants to see it. No use in responding to crazy.
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She asked me to define a R. So I shared what I learned from this sit.. how a R is about supporting and being there for your partner. She response that I was not there for her when her grandmother was dying that I made it hard for her to go see her grandmother before she died (but I NEVER told her NOT to go.. you can say I was an a$$ because I did not encourage her to go). She continued to twist it by saying, I feel she turned her back on the R when I was never there to support her (making reference to the definition of a R just shared.. suppose this is her trying to justify her A).
It does hurt when a woman feels her H is not supporting her emotionally. And for the record, yes, you sounded just like an a$$ regarding her GM. And yes, you are correct that she is trying to justify her A by dragging all this same old stuff up again & again.
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I suppose she thinks I having an A (but I not AND she should know I can’t get anyone preg.. got fixed). I do not response. Question, suppose I was in an A (which I am not) why is she mad at me? She fired me as her H.
Seriously? B/c another woman is texting her H! Just b/c she fired you doesn't mean she's not still jealous. A woman is very complexed. Add waywardness to the woman, and you have multiplied the complexity several times.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
