So this weekend was both good or bad. I have not fully detached from my wife, it seems like what I am actually doing is running away. I could be doing more to GAL and focus on myself. Yet my life at times feels as if I am focusing on her, her R with OM, the fact that she is going to be seeing him, etc.
Friday we got into an argument which ended with both us hurt, she feels that I find some joy in fighting with her, just to get a rise out of her and see some emotions, I really don't, I just let these emotions betray me, the OM is all I seem to focus on, this is really unhealthy. She states that at least she has been honest, and waited until we were separated. She also likes to tell me more than I need to know when we argue, that I am making a big deal when she is clearly not ready for anything serious. Telling me that it is all perception. I do end up giving into my emotions and saying things I shouldn't. I then end up regretting it, feeling guilty, she makes me feel guilty, calling me toxic and me bringing her down. So yesterday, wasn't a good day, felt depressed, but prayed, and try to motivate myself.
Today, I am in a different place. I have begun repeating an affirmation or mantra that I need to be conscious of "Don't ever let anyone make you feel inferior or have you doubting yourself. Always have self-respect and know your self-worth."; She is my wife, but for too long I keep defining myself through my M and R. I have clearly lost the value for myself. I have been comparing myself to OM, feeling as if I am less then him. When I am clearly not better or less than anyone. I need to GAL more, I need to rebuild my self-respect.
Life is short, as much as I love my wife. I don't really know how much I would be continuing to take this route without moving on.
ILYNOT, my brother, I really do appreciate you. Your advice and support have always been something that helps me a lot. Everyone here is great.
Azzork, if you are reading this. I will put together some new goals, and will take your lead on posting updates. I got a friend to be my accountability partner, so will begin to write down more specific goals to better improve myself, and every aspect of my life. So please keep on the lookout for them.
Sandi, if you are reading this, your input is always appreciated. I thank you for it.
God Bless.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
