Zero steps forward

[Pax_luv]

Hello all,
Hope everyone's November is off to a great start!

Just journaling-really long post... sorry!

I know it's not right to diagnose other people, but I truly am feeling like h is dealing with MLC. Not that this changes anything..we're still here..but it's helping me cope a little better. We've had issues for months and I took this whole thing on my shoulders. Yes, I have things that need changing and I've worked on those things every single day since I've been on my own. I was disorganized, messy, and really didn't like cleaning...but you should see my apt now! It's impeccable and spotless! I was never really good at expressing my feelings and withdrew when I felt hurt... and now I am able to recognize when I want to stuff those feelings in and calmly let them out. There's still a lot more work o be done with me!

I feel like when a marriage goes south, the easy thing to do is walk away, I've been spending time with my new single "friends" and a majority of them are recently divorced and I find it funny that they are able to throw their hands in the air and say, "Whatever, I'm better off... I can do better.... I don't deserve this etc." It's hard for me to hear because I know they are not learning anything from the break-up of their marriage..... yes, moving on and letting go is imperative, but I am truly enjoying the process of learning about myself and ways that I can improve myself and my future relationships. Like many of you have said here, DBing aint for the faint of heart.

Anyway, back to the MLC. This wasn't something I focused on before... yeah...H's behavior was getting weird, but I saw him as a man who was kind of spinning and having a really hard time finding his happiness. (This was ~2 years ago, but he was still in love with me at that point). He went through this period of buying new clothes and changing up his shoes, worrying profusely about his thinning hair, putting all his energy into one business venture and then giving up after a few months and moving onto the next one... giving up.. and then moving on to the next one. More recently, after he got the Harley, he changed his wardrobe yet again. The vneck sweater-wearing preppy guy now was wearing harley jackets, do rags, chains, leather cuffs, etc. He was scruffy (and it was hot!) but it didn't match who my husband was.... in addition to this, more recently, he started displaying more "different behavior" like refusing to heat up his food in the microwave and using the toaster oven instead. Also, he is lactose intolerant and for years he never wanted to try lactaid because it didn't work for him once before... well, he started using it and was eating cheese/ dairy all the time. So that's not totally unusual in and of itself, but it was for him. His reason behind it was because he wanted to be able to be more free when he went out. (this was when he was working harder on going out and having a life of his own...which I never prevented him from having in the first place). Lastly, ~2 months before the ILYB, he lost a really important law suit that he had been dealing with for over 10 years. I know that event has shaken him to his core. He fought it so hard and it was weighing on him for quite some time. I know it was a huge blow to his ego.... at this point, we were so estranged that there was nothing I could do to console him and support him.

OK, so I am rambling a bit...but it just seems like the puzzle pieces are all coming together and I am understanding. I spent most of the day yesterday reading through hrm134's old threads (from 2012) and I so appreciate being able to read her story... just like most MLCers, my H has followed the script to a T, and even his demeanor while we were living together was the same as hrm's H. Her and her H stayed in the same house and she handled that situation like a champ. I wish I had know about the DB technique prior to move date as I would have tried to stay firm on staying. However, at that time, I was doing anything to get our sitch turned around.

Anyway, even though it's not a revelation of any means, I still intend to treat my H with kindness, respect, and compassion, even when I don't wanna!

Finally, re: dog swap this weekend. I was looking really good when my H dropped off the dog on Friday ( I was getting ready for a halloween gathering and made sure i had my costume on when he came by. Hey, i'm down 10 lbs and i look good!) I also made sure to have my best smile and PMA. He checked me out big time. Then, I slipped on Saturday and texted him a funny event with the dog and wished him a happy halloween. He didn't reply and I wasn't expecting him, too. I knew i shouldnt have done it, but I was happy and wanted to share the story. Anyway, I normally drop the dog on Sunday, but asked for another night b/c I really didn't feel like seeing H. So, I dropped him this morning on my way to work. When H opened the door, he was smiling and happy and wished me a good day..... I am not reading anything into this whatsoever, but it was good to see him smile! Maybe he had a great weekend with OW, maybe he was happy to see the dog, maybe my PMA helped him, maybe he enjoyed the extra hour of sleep... either way.... it was a nice interaction.

Thanks for reading my jumbled thoughts... have a great day!