So, it's OK for them to be aware of what is going on? Also for them to know that I am taking a step back, leaving him to it, and concentrating on myself?
I think it's a lot more powerful to "take a step back, leave him to it, and concentrate on you" than to say you're going to do it.
This is a hard decision to make. Some say you drop a bomb on them and expose and it throws some cold water on their face. Others say do not involve family and friends. I don't know if there is a way to know for sure. In my situation, had I done it all at once early on, it might have made a difference, but I did little shocks piecemeal. I think the most damage I did was talking to people. I wasn't trying to make my spouse look bad, I just wanted help and I was a desperate mess those first few months. It all backfired on me. It made my W furious with me and had definitely hurt my chances of R. She saw me as manipulative and trying to "win" and to embarass her.
You also have to know everything that might be brought up against you to justify your spouse's actions. In my case, she could bring up a lot of the past and make me seem like a demon.
I was sort of recovering from most of the fallout from telling people and then her brother talked to her father and her father had had enough. He told her he would disown her if she did not stop her foolishness. My W then insisted on a meeting with her dad and me. Her dad called her on her BS, she rebelled, she blamed me for everything. It was a mess. Her dad said if we couldn't get along, we should just divorce because he could see her anger. Family is not equipped to help you. They may want to, but they aren't professionals who know what a wayward is. Read where Michele talks about this. My own personal opinion from the experts I trust the most and my experience, a wayward will just see you as trying to alienate their family. Depends how far gone and rebellious you spouse is. Are they the type who respond to a wake up call or just entrench themselves more?
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
Thank you for that Flight. I really appreciate everything you've said.
He can be quite stubborn anyway, and get really defensive when he knows he's being a ****. I've seen that plenty times over the 18 years we've been together, in all sorts of different scenarios (including a really bad work related one eighteen months ago, which I helped him get out of).
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
So, I have managed to get some information about practical things (mortgage, savings etc).
I think I can get some free legal advice too, about the house. It was mine when he moved in, and it's only my name that is on the title deeds (he's too disinterested/lazy to deal with the practicalities in life. It's me that runs everything on that front).
I need to find out if he is entitled to anything (like access to my house), as we are married and he has been supporting me.
So, when he left/ran away three weeks ago, he packed a suitcase.
Most of his stuff is still in my house. I've put everything in his wardrobe, taken down all the photographs of us together, removed traces of our life together etc.
At the moment I reckon he's away from our home town, and busy turning his EA into a PA.
Since he left/ran away three weeks ago, I haven't been able to deal with speaking to him. I'm leaving my phone on silent and all calls are going to voicemail.
He hasn't left a voicemail since the three he left on our anniversary two weeks ago now.
There has been no other communication apart from the text he sent me a week ago saying he thinks it's best if we separate.
So, at some point over the next 3 months I reckon he might be in touch (also because from the start of February to the start of May he'll be away, on the other side of the world, working).
I've always been at his beck and call, and been very open to him. I don't feel like I want to do that at the moment, for my own sanity.
November is turning into a really busy month. I fell quite badly behind in work for about two weeks after he left/ran away. I know I'm not ready to speak to him as well, and I don't want to speak to him..
December I'm gonna be super busy. Basically working seven days a week for the whole month.I'll have Christmas day off and New Years Day off as well, but apart from that, it's gonna be full on the whole month. I'm OK with that, and it's something I want.
January I'm planning a very cheap two week break for myself.
So my time over the next three months is already pretty full up.
I know that November, December and January is a very long time. We're only just a few weeks into this, and I don't know what's going to happen in that time, or how I'm going to feel.
How do I deal with a call/voicemail from him? I reckon he's gonna want some more clothes.
Also, I reckon in January he's going to to back to stay with OW for a couple of weeks and he might be in touch with me before that. So he'll be at the height of his PA with OW.
One of the weird things I've noticed is how still and quiet the house is now. I'm not having to deal with any of that constant state of turmoil and stress he has been in for the past 4 or so years. That's been so, so draining. I hadn't realised how much.