Slow and steady .. Only way to get through the fog

[bttrfly]

hi Cali, I've been reading your posts and have been in awe of your patience and self control during this entire situation. Ive often wondered if you could ship me a stfu smoothie or several

i'm sorry this reconciliation is so hard. what struck me most is that your wife is doing something my h does --- has an entire conversation with you in her head about how she thinks you will respond or feel and then makes the decision for you not to let herself become vulnerable.

i don't know how to advise you since i seem to do many things incorrectly - my db coach said i was doing a great job of practicing all the things to get divorced. I think ultimately you get to decide what happens next, not your wife. Isn't that what they say happens in reconciliation? You've grown so much and made so many changes. Just know there are many people here who support you in this crazy mlc journey.
xo,
-butterfly

[Lifes Twists]

hey Cali,

Like you I am struggling with watching the grass grow. It takes a lot or patience and the realization that you can't do anything to speed it up. A little over a 2year ago I was dealing with an attempted suicide and helping my three daughters deal with it. No communication after that through the divorce. Then three months later the door started to open. Like you I have had to stand back and watch her process through things. We are now communicating almost daily and she is sharing things that are going on in her life. We have had a few families thing together and go for ice cream most Sundays to talk. I too wonder if I want to continue at times. I too question what I am doing. Then I think back to all that has gone on and how far she has come and decide to give it more time. Take some time to reflect on where you were and where you are now. Even though she has a way to go you may be surprised at how far it has already come.

[uRworthy]

Hey Luke. I've been reading along. .

So, here's the big secret I wanted to tell you....just let it unfold. It will unfold how it should. At some point, you will just know what it is you want.

If you still have questions, and you should...you aren't there yet.

You know when you are waiting for something really badly? You watch closely hoping to see what you want to see and it seems like nothing is happening? Then it seems to take even longer? Yea, this is like that.

Step away from day to day analyzing. Step away from the mindreading and all the rest...and just let it unfold.

She is working through things. Trust me on that.

You will know when you cant wait any longer...you aren't there yet...so its best to just keep going.

Try to remember how far YOU have come. Remember that you are still a work in progress. Keep working on you. Doing your thing. Making memories with your son. Leave her to bake some more.

I will tell you that she is watching you, too. She sees and feels the way you are taking everything all in. What you want her to see is the loving, confident, strong man you have become.

Keep going, sweetie..

[Zephyr]

I needed to re-read this thread today...thank you all for your precious insight

it is too bad that the price for that insight is the pain and struggle that you have had to endure for all those years.

[ForeverYoung]

Hi Cali, (and UR!)

Nor do I want her to fill my needs due to guilt or a fear of losing me/the family.

But the risk of losing you is real. At some point you need to make this clear to your wife. She deserves to know before it’s too late! I'm not saying that you're there yet, because only you will know. But it shouldn't be kept it a secret until you are Triple Done, is all I'm saying.

Then, if she ups her game at meeting your needs, no matter the reason, it will help give you the patience you need to get to where you want to be.

Like yours, my wife is still baking. As you are aware she also is not attracted to me in that sexual way. When I made it clear back in June just how serious the situation was for me, and that I didn’t know how much longer I could go without, she stepped up, and is doing what she can.

In SSM Michele explains this is a gift that we should accept. It's our spouse trying, doing their best.

No, things aren’t quite where I’d like them to be, but I trust we will get there if I don’t give up. Accepting what my wife can give is keeping us going, and allowing time for her perspective on everything to change.

Like you, if I look back I can see changes for the better. This too can keep you going, but only so long if your needs aren't being met.

What’s your other option? You already know divorce is painful and disrupts entire lives… and starting over, attractive as it can appear when we are unhappy, is a crapshoot.

Yes, you need to give her more time to figure her stuff out. I can tell you first hand that getting a little action (yeah, I said it! ) will make it much easier for you to do that.

I'm pulling for you guys, Cali.

[CaliGuy]

Thank you all for all your comments … I have read them … thought … read them again. If you should know anything about me…. I tend to think a bit before doing/saying anything. I started replying to each of you individually but given the fact I am handcuffed to the phone it’s been painful … so I figured I would reply to each without quoting and just spill my thoughts/replies in an email and copy/paste it here as that’s how I have been updating … it’s so primitive but it’s easier to type it out here as I read your posts from my phone.



Job: I agree the move was to early, I knew this going in but at the time I figured it was the lesser of two evils and would just require me to stay in my circle. This has proven easier said than done, her willingness to work on the M gave me a bit of false hope … I think it was her intention and more out of fear I was close to being gone (Yes this is mindreading but I am so darn good at it). So whats done is done and as you said its all about me remaining patient. Easier said than done



M: I get your fear. I think for me at that time I was done … then she wanted to meet and told me she would work on the M, who of us does not want to hear those words, knowing she still had some baking to do in the oven, some digging to do out of the tunnel I simply wanted to be the lighthouse and was mindful not to be to far away … though that may have actually been better for her in the long run I was concerned about the short term liabilities. There is not right/worng .. no clear cut way of do this/don’t do that … in the end we just have to trust our gut and keep the hearts wants out of it. I still felt what I did at the time was the right thing to do … simply because W does not cope well with stress, I do quite a bit around the house that has helped there … maybe this has given her a breather from the MLC stuff … maybe its prolonged her really dealing with things .. I am not sure… but she looks better and has been a far cry nicer from who she was over the past few years. And yeah .. you are right .. last year was fights in between houses … this year, she reached out for my hand on several occasions with a kiss here an dthere telling me how nice ‘this’ (meaning real family time trick-or-treating) was.



Bttrfly: I laugh when someone claims I have been patient … hard to think that way when it’s the one thing I struggle with. But yeah, I recall realizing the amazing power of the STFU smoothie … was about this time last year, veterans day I went to a special mass with S and W asked me to stop by and she unloaded her fuzzy thoughts, the “I messed up my entire life” speech … I had no idea how much she was processing till later looking back …. Me just listening gave her faith she could open up and talk to me… was the start of a turning point thinking about it now…. So do try to do that .. STFU and just take in all the info you can .. info is power to YOU in this mess.



LT … Yeah, as my above posts .. this time of year I have really reflected… more so during my alone times. Seems every date I can trace back to something of significance happening, not always good, not always bad … guess I feel a bit detached from the emotions at this point and just take them as “Blessings” which is my new word … a Blessing that taught me a lesson. (I wish I could say that I came up with this … but I did’nt)



uR … somehow I knew a fuzzy 2x4 was about to come out and yes yes yes .. you are right. Again it’s like that puzzle, in my hear when its put together it should have been an amazing sunset … turns out .. it’s going to be whatever its going to be and once I can get a better picture of it it’s up to me to appreciate it and love it .. or sell it on ebay. I have been doing more of what you’ve suggested as of late and its helped…. Not only me, but it has also jumpstarted the push-pull form the W … a merry-go-round and familiar song that I am starting to tire of .. so I have been ramping up the GALs a bit more and just kinda doing my own thing to be honest.

You said something that struck a nerve about her watching and wanting her to see the loving confident strong man I have become … well 2/3 I think … the confidence is there to a point, but I think its really taken a hit … the A, and the OM … along with the spews during the crisis and as of late I am not sure as a man how much more my ego can take …. Hence me GALing more, I am back to running with a fire inside just to cope and work these things out. Is OM the man I am .. no, but I am also not a Gym owner/trainer nor do I have countless hours to work on the rock hard Abs W found oh so dreamy … I approached this with a “This is me and you can take or leave it” but her issue with the attraction and me paired with this has me processing this all out at the moment … its where I am stuck but I am working on it. I am not obese nor that far out of shape … I know this .. but its been a rather tough pill to swallow given all the intimacy issues over the past several years.



FY: How are you? Ya know … its your sitch I have been thinking about the most… knowing you are in a similar area. As far as telling her, yeah she knows .. my “I will not return to a loveless/sexless marriage” was laid out from the beginning and has been revisited and discussed. She has shown some vulnerability .. even told me I deserve these things .. at this point she says she is giving what she can … is it enough .. no .. but like you and others have said I am not at the point I am giving up on things just yet. Like you I think if I seen progress it would help, if there was some sort of effort shown it would go miles … but I also know she is working on things I can not see, her own stuff. She did share how humiliated she is about all this … how embarrassing it all must be … knowing how she was and almost waking up to the destruction must not be easy. Again … I did not do this … its her stuff to sort out. As far as options .. yeah I know .. and I think if I was going to be divorced I think that would have happened already .. so I will dig in deeper for a bit more patience, focus on myself and see how this all unfolds

[CaliGuy]

Little bit of an update… not much just wanted to put some things out there.

Weekend went well, Friday night W and S were going to Legoland for the Brick-or-Treat thing … I thought it was good as W has really been working on her R with S, and this was a good thing for them to do. About mid-day W asks if I can skip my gig and join them. Old M stuff, I would be so tired from working the gigs that these types of things I missed … I told her it was to late of a notice, BUT I could join them and just leave about an hour early. I met at the school for parent teacher conference (S is doing VERY well btw … 9 out of 13 Outstandings) Then we met up at Legoland and had a great time, again revisting the issues W has with stress, having me along during these things carrying the backpack, going on the rides with S allows her to enjoy the night rather than stress about how she feels and letting him down when he wants to ride something.



So a few things … Saturday we had a bit of a talk, I mentioned something in jest about sex … something that she brought up which got into a discussion where she shared I deserve better, why am I there, basically a “I am no good and you should be with someone who makes you happy” type talk. Again brought up the attraction issue to which I was not really happy being reminded of … then I hit her with my own truth dart of how she sends mixed signals, like she wants me to stay in a certain spot …. Teases me to come out only to shoot me down and how frustrating that is for me. I then started to agree with her, and how I was not OK with this set up and point blank asked her what she wanted as I have no clue anymore. She pointed out that she wants family, how that feels right … but as far as here and I go she is not sure because she also wants independence, I reassured her I did not want to take either away from her but I am not going to be put in a ‘husband with no benefits’ program. I said if we are going to slowly try to work out these things I could try and be patient but I have grown pretty weary over the past several years, Things were pretty calm throughout…. she even pointed out how we have been getting along much better, was not a “I’ll stick by you no matter what” type reply from me but more of the … we have some things to work out and it will take some time. She did mention how we used to be best friends and we lost that, I agreed and said maybe we start working on that a bit more. Later on in the day she cam out of the shower in a towel and I flirted a bit .. she brought up the ‘friends’ thing … I quickly reminded her I am a man, her husband .. and she would never prance around like that in front of her ‘friend’ and pointed out how again .. mixed signals from her make me feel manipulated .. this seemed to be a lightbulb moment for her.



Sunday … another thing happened. S had a ball game that we went to separately as W grabbed the team snacks … after the game we met up at the grocery store as has been our typical routine. W sought me out kind of flustered that she had ran into someone who knew her, hugged her and al that … W faked her way through it but was visibly shake and had NO idea who this woman was. To say her memory has been bad would be an understatement… but she always at the least knew where she knew someone from. Later that night … like 4 hours later it hit her. This woman was one of her IC’s last year … during the nasty MLC phase. Its hard sometimes knowing all I do about this, having to sit there like Sylvester with Tweety in his mouth … just STFU and listening to her.



Lately I have been doing my own thing .. I have a nice run all mapped out that I have been doing for about a month, its brutal but my times have been consistently increasing, aslo started the 30day Ab challenge on the 1st that I have been sticking to. My team made playoffs in softall and we play for all the marbles Thursday .. looking forward to that. I have also been getting my financials in order … a bit of breathing room as long as I stick to the budget. W and I went over all the bills over the past few months … usually a fight ready to happen, turns out she owed me money … so that actually was a relief, not so much her owing me but the fact she agreed to it, even questioned why I had the Movie expenses down for us to split and I pointed out how she had similar outings down … my reply “Dutch is Dutch” (her words) which she laughed as she walked away.



So … I keep plugging, trying to just focus on me and let her bake continue on its own without my help

[AJM]

Glad to see the update, Cali. And how is the walk with God going?

You seem to have a very good handle on who you are, what you want, and what you're willing to do to get it. That's a long way from where you started, even if you thought differently at the time

I particularly like how you're both communicating. Good stuff.

AJ

[uRworthy]

Hey Luke. I totally get that it's hard to hear that she isn't attracted to you. Who the heck wants to hear that cr@p, right?

You keep comparing yourself to the OM. The truth is that the affair, while it felt personal, had nothing to do with you. He just happened to be in good shape. That wasn't the attraction. Trust me on that.

Her crisis led her to someone that was willing to have an affair with a married woman. Someone as broken as she was, so, you need to let the whole ab comparison thing go because he cant hold a candle to the man you are, sweetie.

She has a lot of face when it comes to you. It's a whole lot of stuff to get past and it's going to take time.

You do best to leave her to it as much as you can.

And yea...good job on the communication.

[ForeverYoung]

FY: How are you? Ya know … its your sitch I have been thinking about the most… knowing you are in a similar area.

Thanks for asking, things are going pretty well for me, Cali. I'll try to make an update to my thread.

“I will not return to a loveless/sexless marriage” was laid out from the beginning and has been revisited and discussed.

Good. She heard you, so no need to go back there. (for quite a while, anyway)

I noticed several comments about "working on the marriage" "not doing our retro homework" etc.

I'm wondering if maybe you are trying too hard? I know you're tired and all, but this has to be pressure on your wife... at a time when:

W does not cope well with stress

Maybe just quietly work on that "friends" thing that she says is missing. No relationship talks, discussion of what you need, or "work". This might help her feel more comfortable around you.

I don't think you allowed your wife to move back in too soon. Living together gives you guys a much better chance to rebuild connection, and more opportunity to work on the friendship. A team, covering each others back. Plus, it has to be better on your finances, which also reduces stress.

Attraction.

Remember, MLC is not about you! I know it's difficult, but try not to take it personally. Accept what is, but have faith that perspective can change.

the confidence is there to a point, but I think its really taken a hit"

Understandably! So go back to DB101... fake it 'til you make it. A confident man is an attractive man.

Good on you for ramping up the GAL's. Making a satisfying life for yourself is attractive to others.

I think if I was going to be divorced I think that would have happened already .. so I will dig in deeper for a bit more patience, focus on myself and see how this all unfolds

Words of wisdom given to me from my friend Raine when I was struggling about a year ago:

See there you have it. you know what you want and the wait will be worth it. Sometimes it's working through the other side of things to figure it out. You can be happy anywhere, in any situation.

Do you ever come out of the shower in a towel? You should!

Good luck in the game tomorrow!