History Repeats Itself - Am I a Fool or What

[lovenomatterwhat]

Sorry for taking so long to reply. It's been a busy week to say the least. I'll start off with some answers to my previous posters (thank you so much for taking the time).

I remember reading about respect from Sandi and how when a W stops having intimacy it is a bad sign there is someone else. When she re initiates in that way it should mean you have gained her respect and love. If what you say is true then apparently not. Now I AM puzzled.

My W grew up with three brothers. All of her closest friends have been guys. She has few girl friends and many more guy friends. Her best friend is also guy and with her dad now in the picture - it is even more apparent how comfortable she feels around men compared to women.

That said, I honestly think she does not see the wrong in remaining friends with OM. In her eyes, OM was just another guy that came in her life to help her in some way or fashion. I think she feels that she can somehow just be friends with OM despite their previous dealings.

What does seem strange however is that he would call instead of a normal tm for her to respond to and then maybe call. To call out of the blue is a big risk unless she was with you when maybe she was supposed to be somewhere else and forgot he was going to call.

I think OM got careless but who knows for sure

Finally, when things started to get better did you not do a random check to see if it was really over? I know snooping etc is a no no but I think we all have done it, especially when things seem to get better

Back in January she forgot to log out of her gmail account on her PC. I found an e-mail from OM describing an argument the two apparently had. The e-mail didn't list anything specific, but OM did note how he is tired of being blamed for ruining my W's marriage. I took that as a good sign and left it at that. In my mind, OM was slowing collapsing out of my W's life. I didn't bother to do another check again until recently.

Reading your post it seems you never clamped down on her contact with OM

I agree. In retrospect, I should have made it more clear that OM was a boundary I would not tolerate. Rather, I assumed that if kept DBing, eventually OM would go away. Boy was I wrong.

Have you read DB yet?

Many times but I'm lost at what I should do

Like I said previously, I felt like things have been going good - we were intimate, going on dates, talking to each other at night, etc. Yet, now that I think about it I almost feel like I am just one component in the complicated web my W has sounding men. She did not have a normal childhood at all and somehow I think that hardwired some incorrect attitudes and tendencies surrounding men.

Overall, I think she has developed a need to have men in her life for different reasons.

Dad - she talks to him every night for 2 to 3 hours for the last two months. He is fulfilling the need to make up for the childhood she never had

Best Friend (guy) - feels the need to have a friend to hang out with and be buds with

OM - fulfills an emotional need to allow her to vent, sort out her thoughts, etc

Me - Well, there isn't much room after she has gone through the other men in her life. In her eyes, I provide the financial support and household protection needs. I also provide the leftover needs when the other men in her life aren't around.

Now that her dad is in the picture, it is if he provides the night shift while OM does the day shift. Prior to that, I had the night shift but now I am just chopped liver and it is beginning to frustrate me. I'm saddened but probably more angry than anything else. I felt like things were going so good and now it is as if I was just living a lie.

Overall, what little time I get with her now are pleasant. We still talk about what is happening in her life and she's been wearing her wedding ring since three months ago. Even yesterday she talked again about having another kid (maybe this is b/c OM can't provide the financial support for children but I can?)

Is my W simply messed up in the head and there is nothing I can do to change the situation? I think I am just venting now but this is just ridiculous. Sometimes I feel like my W is so deep in this mess that she has reached the point of no return. I went through hell and back trying to save this marriage the last two to three years. Is enough enough?