I hope you recorded it. I was sure he would do this, rant at you and threaten you. You may need to trigger him more by pre validating but make sure someone is with you. Asking a question such as "did you move the truck so I drove into it or did your friend?"
Now go get an OOP, WH to be stopped from coming to the home. This isn't going to stop and it's dangerous.
Go do it immediately, next time call the police, right away. You must record.
You only get one shot at this, then you keep your home, it makes it difficult for them to take you to court.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 11/01/1503:32 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
It is time to invest in a digital recorder, and possibly some spy cams. Carry the digital recorder in your pocket (I know that's easy for a man to say), and when he comes over, set it to record and put it in an unobtrusive place in the room you are in.
Have 911 on your cell phone speed dial.
Have a friend network who you can call to come over when H comes around.
It may seem like overkill, but you really need to protect yourself with layers of coverage.
I don't remember whether or not your L has experience with abuse victims, but he/she should.
We know you will still want to help him and think you love him, and you will stumble. You wouldn't believe the number of times most women give their abusive S another chance, or just don't put their foot down by saying (legally and literally) no more! It is hard. But you are an important person to the people who do love you. And, you deserve to be treated with respect and love.
So,insist H leave, call a support person so he knows that he cannot get away with anything without someone knowing. Abusers are fundamentally cowards. Like vampires, they don't like light shined on them. Shine away by drawing on crowd support!
It can get better. Hang in there. You are a strong woman, and I admire the courage and self-compassion you have been showing yourself. You may not see it that way, but I've seen this play out before, and trust me that you are showing some powerful strength and doing what many abused women either take a lot more tries to do, or can't/won't do.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
V - I am positive they did not move the truck. It was in the same spot all night. When I lost my head, I was crying so hard I didn't see it. I shouldn't have been driving, but my brain was not running the show at that point. Well, some part was - but not the usual, rational part.
I could easily goad him by pointing out that his friendship with this man is destroying him. So much of his anger is because he is acting in a way that would shame him were the kids to find out. He was never like this before. He is completely blind to this fact.
No chance to record this rant. I didn't even know he was in the house. Need to keep the phone closer. He was supposed to be gone all weekend.
V - I am positive they did not move the truck. It was in the same spot all night. When I lost my head, I was crying so hard I didn't see it. I shouldn't have been driving, but my brain was not running the show at that point. Well, some part was - but not the usual, rational part.
I could easily goad him by pointing out that his friendship with this man is destroying him. So much of his anger is because he is acting in a way that would shame him were the kids to find out. He was never like this before. He is completely blind to this fact.
No chance to record this rant. I didn't even know he was in the house. Need to keep the phone closer. He was supposed to be gone all weekend.
Lesson learned. They lie and are unpredictable. You won't make that mistake again. I'm glad you are taking steps.
Unfortunately there will be certain habits you may have to adopt to protect yourself from his manipulation. Taking pictures of things routinely, so that he can't gaslight you. Making notes so that if you doubt your memory, you have something to refer to.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
You need an abuse log too. Do not leave pages or spaces. Include your posts on here and anything else you remember in free form keep this safe. Also your phone may get smashed if WH thinks there may be something on it. Do not leave your phone anywhere, keep it on you at all times. Use a bum bag if you need to.
It doesn't matter the truck wasn't moved, you can't remember!
In essence you are not making a statement, just a question to trigger. OK if you don't like that think off another trigger question, such as "did you and your mate set me up?"
You can have a voice activated recorder, somewhere in your room.
I second As post completely it is very sound advice, you have the best help on this here on the board with As. Unless you protect you, you limit your options. You are doing well, there will be a time for doubt, for Questions, for review, but this isn't it.
Zelda used to say, reading her lists was very helpful to ground her. You will question your reality, it is cognitive dissonance in action, what you think you know is in conflict with the new reality.
Today, there is so much going on in my head. I'm trying to make sense of everything, but I already know with a WAH, sense is not easily found. All my thoughts are conflicting.
I don't want to Divorce. I want to keep my family together. I believe my H is still in there, somewhere. I meant my vows, for better for worse...this is clearly worse. I'll be alone, because I won't be D in my heart.
H is broken, no matter what label I use. I can't help him. He blames me for all his unhappiness. I don't want to be treated this way. H wants me to let him go. He's already replaced me.
I'm supposed to be focusing on me. I'm having trouble with that due to my chaotic thoughts. I'm getting conflicting advice on how to deal with H. I want to DB. I believe in him. I believe he could be the man I know he is if he wanted to.
I'm supposed to be focusing on me. I need to let it go. I need to let H go, but don't want to. I need help, clearly. Do I just let him go completely? Yes. I heard you...lol
I think I could use a few suggestions just getting me pointed in the right direction as far as focusing on me. I'm feeling shaky and lonely today. Don't want to call anyone because I have zero desire to recount my experiences last week. I need to tell a few people, but just don't want to today.
Life as I knew it has just blown up, and I'm trying to gather the pieces.
Ancaire - I have the same thoughts, you are really early in your sitch. I will tell you that those thoughts get further and further in between. I am suffering them right now but haven't thought them in several weeks. I will tell you that the only way I could quiet them was to do things FOR ME. Go for a walk if your car isn't fixed. Call a friend and have them come get you for pedicures. CLEAN the tub. Anything to keep busy. The busier I am/was the less and less I thought about what was happening to us. Being at home, alone, with nothing to do will drive you crazy. I went 3 months without being home alone until bed time because the thoughts would floor back in and the tears. Eventually I wanted to stay home and watch TV and I could get lost in the show I was watching. I hope this helps you...now go and get off the computer
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Ancaire, you are going through some really tough times, even though you may not feel it now you will come out of it a stronger and better person.
You seem very rudderless, not sure what to do, what to think next and you know the cure don't you? Review your goals, update your plans. Just because things don't go the way you expect it doesn't mean that your goals need to change, your plans simply and timescales need amending to deal with recent events.
You love your H and that is why you feel the way you do,you are also in grieving the loss of your M, which is a heady cocktail and one that can have a dramatic effect on you.
Your M is dead, long live your M!
What is it that you want to achieve, by when and how are you going to start off achieving that? Be realistic in the timings and leave things out like learning to walk on water but apart from that, what you can conceive in your mind you can achieve with the right action and the right attitude.
To use a well worn phrase, if you don't know where you are heading, how can you get there?
Get thinking about what you want and NOT want you can't have or do and you'll start to feel a lot better, because you'll have purpose rather than doubt.
Go Ancaire!
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
