I love you all my dear friends. I am excited about the future. I will either be with my wife or I will be in Colorado living large . I have been thinking about it for a while and the idea is really growing on me. I want you all to know if I pull the trigger, your welcome to come visit.
This weekend was not what I expected. It was not the usual silent treatment.
Friday was a uneventful. My wife worked late and got home about 8pm. She usually gets a bite to eat and then goes in her room. She said hi and told me about her car problem. It was only about the car but she seemed not as down/angry. Boy did she look good.
Saturday I called to see if I could get her car fixed and they said they would need to see it during the week. I told my wife later and she said thank you for trying. That afternoon and early evening she was relaxed and pleasant. She even said a few things to me.
Here's where it gets weird, not with her but me. She would say things to me, not questions, and I would not respond. I answered questions and kept the conversation going but was not as much as I used to. I kept thinking "don't get your hopes up, she hasn't changed her mind". That kept me quiet and something else. I don't see my wife the same way any more. How she has treated me these last 4-8 weeks has changed me. I used to think the things she said were brilliant, now not so much.
Sunday was more of the same. She was not so silent and I was not so talkative. She mentioned teasing her sister and I said without thinking that teasing wasn't nice. A few seconds later she said I can do what ever I want. I did not respond to that.This was the second time she has said this to me. The last time was 3-4 months ago. I guess she feels I some how stopped her from doing what she wanted to do all these years.
Does any of this mean anything? I want to apologize for stopping her from doing what she has wanted to do but it seems like pursuing, is it? Why is she talking and acting nicer? Why do I not feel compelled to talk? I rarely look at her now, I feel uncomfortable when I do, why? If she is warming, which I doubt, me acting cautious will not ruin anything, will it?
Breathe, Mutatio! I see baby steps towards progress and the results of detachment. Your DBing May finally be paying off.
Originally Posted By: mutatio
Does any of this mean anything?
It's very possible. Change nothing for now until you have more positive actions to judge.
I want to apologize for stopping her from doing what she has wanted to do but it seems like pursuing, is it?
Ugh. I get the feeling you apologize too much. Here is a fantastic opportunity for validation. Ask her about it. "Wife, you made a comment that has me thinking. Do you feel...?"Listen. Validate. Do NOT start by apologizing.
Why is she talking and acting nicer?
Too early to tell. Maybe she had a good day. Maybe she won the lottery. Enjoy it for now, with no expectations.
Why do I not feel compelled to talk?
Detachment and learned behaviors. Change nothing, yet.
I rarely look at her now, I feel uncomfortable when I do, why?
Same answer...detachment and learned behaviors. You've also been pretty beaten down lately.
If she is warming, which I doubt, me acting cautious will not ruin anything, will it?
Nope. It may be what is working. I find it very interesting that you had basically dropped the rope emotionally. You were getting ready to move on. True to DB wisdom, she suddenly began to re-engage nearly as soon as you did. Don't change anything yet.
What does this mean for the future of Camp DB? I was picking paint colors!!!
mutatio, as Ancaire is saying keep on doing what you've been doing and stop questioning it or the responses, simply accept them for what they are, progress.
Validation is a tough one to get your head into, practise with everyone you encounter and it'll start to become second nature. You'll find people will start reacting to you different as well.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Mutatio, this is exactly my experience too, I was going to post something similar this morning but I will just take the A-team advice since it applies so well to my situation as well. Funny how our journeys are so similar, even with regards to the timeframe.
About a week ago I posted that H was showing signs of his former self and I was starting to think he was kind of "Ick". He is not as smart, funny, sweet, etc as I had remembered him being. I still love him, but I am not feeling the way I used to.
Yesterday H came into the kitchen where I was hanging out with the boys and made a joke. I don't think I've heard him make a joke in a year. He stayed in our bed for the entire night for 3 nights in a row now. (no sex. is that tmi?)
He is still a "pod person" so I am keeping my expectations low and as much as I want to interact with him, at the same time I really don't.
We need to keep the focus on ourselves, it would be so easy to fall into the "mind reading" trap right now because we are seeing glimpses of the spouses we used to know, but they are not back yet, so we are still dealing with a lot of unknown variables.
Hang in there, my friend. I think we might be success stories soon.
Hi pho, interesting weekend for both of us. I do feel at this time we are at the same spot in our DB/marriage.
First off, I do not think it's TMI because it is a very useful indicator/barometer. It said something on your honeymoon and it says something now. It indicates the health of the marriage and where the two spouses are within the marriage. I would suggest not offering yourself to him. Let him initiate the celebration of love. That doesn't mean you can't get his attention through words, actions or dress.
My wife can be trying but I ain't buying. She spoke to me this morning again. Not much but more then lately. I will validate with a PMA. She has to see my changes are real and the inverse is also true. I need to see her wake up out of this trance she is in and begin to act like a partner.
Marriage is work. A good marriage is hard work. I want a good marriage. We deserve it, so do our spouses. Be well
Mutatio, I love your way with words. The next time H strikes up a conversation (he has been bringing up the strangest things too, I think he googles trivia and tries to use random facts as an ice breaker?) I am going to think "he might be trying but I ain't buying." Seriously, just to have that little nugget from Mutatio will be enough to lift my spirits when the time comes.
Also I noticed that when I do speak to H lately, my words are much more direct, decisive and non-emotional. When you only get a chance at maybe one or two comments a week you learn to make those the most effective as possible. I am wondering if that skill is what helped me with my job interviews.
Thanks for your support M, I won't initiate. I will keep a PMA and I will think of you, in your corner of the world going through the same exact trials. If you can do it, I can do it.
or I will be in Colorado living large 