just heard a cool little song that I haven't payed attention to before by tom petty (not a big fan, but the song struck a chord) "Time to Move on". I couldn't hear all of the words, but the message that I got was - it's time to get going.
I don't know where I am going, but I know I have to head somewhere and not remain in my own personal stagnant safety bubble.
STBXW moved out this week. well, I should say she stopped eating and sleeping here. The house is still filled with her stuff, and she takes a couple things with each stop-over. I don't know exactly how long this process will take. But I have started taking back the house and cleaning/reorganizing it. (I told her that I was going to be gone all afternoon in case she didn't want me to be here when she grabs her stuff, she stopped by, but it looks like she didn't take anything again).
I spent a good part of last week completely stressing over my fins. In my own discovery process, I found that I was still at least a month behind on about every bill. I have caught up every monthly bill to current and November should be my first normal month so I can actually test my budget spreadsheet that I created to track all my fins. (sound pretty nerdy talking about spreadsheets and such, but I am not used to handling this and my personality forces me to want to know every detail).
Had a nice fall break, took D15 & S18 on a long hike at a state park the other day - great serine & thoughtful time for me (very quiet except for us singing at the top of our lungs with no-one around to hear us). I don't know if they thought it was as an awesome of a day as I did, or if they were just appeasing me, but either way, I needed it and I accepted it from them. Nice cool air and great color and really great to be with them.
I went to visit S21 at his new apartment tonight. He/we made dinner there. I am very proud of how he is growing up and moving forward. He got a real job and is paying his own bills - just like an adult. We talked very little about my situation. I was able to slip him a little money so he can get something nice for his new abode (made me feel good and he was surprised).
I had the longest text conv. with W than I have had in weeks this morning. It started with a discussion of stuff from the house and I told her to take what she wants or needs and leave me the rest. I did tell her to leave me the Picasso (she sent me a teary smiley face back). Got into some specifics about Christmas ornaments and fondue pots..... (told her that she should take it all)
---She then sent: She's sorry and never intended for this to be us. and although it was her actions that caused this ... I deserve better.
---I said that I know this is hard for both of us and that she did not need to say any of that. and that I am sorry it came to this too.
---She wished she could have expressed what she needed.
---I said I was sorry that I didn't provide it.
---She finished by saying that what she needs now, not for the last 20 years. I am a great man and excellent father. and she didn't give me a chance.
I was a little stunned by this and didn't respond. So she moved back on to logistical items. She mentioned that S21 wants us over to his apartment for dinner, and I told her that I think we would all have a better time if we did this separately. She said okay.
I feel like I am bullying her by saying things like this, but it is how I feel. She still has a way of making me feel guilty. She admits that the problem is her decision, but I still feel like I want to accommodate her. I would like that to stop.
I am going to see her tomorrow at MIL's birthday brunch. MIL & FIL asked if I would come - they said they were inviting W too - I said of course you are, but you do not have to invite me. They insisted that I come.
I am on a bit of an emotional ride again (or still). Mostly I am ok, but every now and again, something hits me and I start to well up or just get sad. I get over it quickly, but it still happens more than I'd like to admit. I feel like this two year roller coaster ride is nearly over and I just want to run to the nearest trash can and throw up.
On another note, my IC asked me what my plans for my future were. I could tell her some about work and the kids, but didn't have an answer for where I see myself with relationships. I don't know. She asked how I would meet someone - I didn't know. She asked what I would like to find (speaking about women). I said that I hadn't thought much about it, but really, all I could think of was the woman that I married.
PEACE
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
Sounds like things are slowing moving forward. It seems like your wife is feeling more free to be open in her communication. How strangely dissatifying to be on the other end of the openness now at this time. I know Pigpen has been experiencing a similar type of openness from his wife and talks about how unsettling it has been for him.
The small snapshot of you and two kids on you hike together is a lovely scene to imagine. It gives me a great sense of joy in the togetherness and connectedness you must of felt in that moment. I am so pleased to hear that you are experiencing these moments. They lessen the load and the toll of more practical and pragmatic issues. Revell in them dear friend for they will see you through.
And what's a little emotion at this time, in the grand scheme of all the ups and downs of this life's journey. I found for such a long time I felt numb with it all. Numbed by the need to do the right thing at the right time. Now there is just time to feel. Let it come and let it pass. The raging war against or turning a back to makes it linger in my experience. And to be honest U, I feel that its time you got to step into the fullness of your wonderful self, where you stop anticipating every event and response. I would love you to have the freedom to be yourself and to please yourself first. That is my wish for you for now. I have images of Tinker Bell and clapping running through my head, because I believe in wishes. LOL
Anyway U, I am at work and it's home time on Tuesday 27th of October 17:02pm NZ daylight saving time.
Talk soon
PS I got your message on my thread, I promise I will update it for you.
Thanks for the update Jelly - it has been a really long time. I always look for this and hope today's the day.
It seems hard sometimes to write and reflect on all of this.
It will be so until you build this into your story. Once you have a solid story in will be contextual. Again I am going to ask some questions you can say no V, I want to leave this.
I think sometimes that it may be better to try and forget it all and start from an new day one without ever thinking of the past.
Once you have your story with an ending to this part it will finish. think of a book set (like Harry Potter) for instance, this is a book in the series. The book off the current M with WW is ended. A new one starts. So what will you call this book? How is the end of this story? what were the highlights? Think off the next book what will you call it, how will it start? Who is the hero of the book? What plans are there for the story?
Though without reflecting on all of the past, what have we learned, how can we improve, how can we even come close to moving forward without making the same mistakes (including being overly self-judgmental - I guess). But reflecting on things sometimes makes me re-live the pain too.
This is because you have made the sad and difficult parts of your story the dominant part. Turned the lovely peaceful and happy sections into smaller chapters. You can chose to turn this around, make the long chapters the parts which have meaning, the children, holidays happy times. These aren't gone, just written with nostalgic sadness. It doesn't have to be that way, you can rewrite it, turn it into a lim and make yourself the hero of the story. It's perception.
I don't know what to do about any of this, just saying it.
And so you should.
It sure sounds like you have found a path to move forward and your 2016 goal sounds like a driving force.
This can be you too, what is the next book in the series about. You are a young man still. There is no rush to a new R with or without WW. It could be U the hero, growing having adventures, discovering and learning.
Use your breathing room to heal the inner JellyB. I know that is what it is going to take for me too.
Absolutely, so U what is it going to be, intrepid explorer, student, entrepreneur, volunteer, fitness and health guru?
I do worry about essential parts of myself being permanently damaged by these circumstances. the parts that are necessary to trust again and love again.
You haven't got there yet, why worry about your life. You could chose to be a sort of male Miss Haversham (Great Expectations) or you could chose to be Nelson Mandela emerging to lead and discover love?
Hopefully time will heal these wounds without too many scars (I don't see it happening for me - and it really scares me).
Time is healing and on its own is helpful, it isn't the only factor. In order to heal it needs a hand. It needs U with a plan for the next book in the series. When you see it happening it will. Then you will be excited by U future and empowered by it. You need a writes draft for the next story.
It is so good to hear that you are in a peaceful living situation now (is your flat in an area that you wanted to be?)
Have you considered a change too? We are attracted to sitches and stories which give us inspiration. Jellyb is inspirational in the way she has learned her story and how to manage her sweet sadness. You have wounded U, and this need not be the only character in your book. Your hero could be any version you choose, cool dude, studious U, serene man, generous dad, etc.....
----------------------------- U I would like you to consider the next book in the series, and you are not permitted to build it around WW. The book can be short if a new R emerges with WW. The next book is about U.
Deepak Chopra is the master of rewriting your story (try his book Spiritual Solutions). I will add resources for you to consider.
I was just thinking about you, so I thought I would post and let you know. Got on my road bike this morning for the first time in well, likely 8-12 months. I have been off and on my mountain bike over the time we have known each other on here. The road bike well it was no easy ride let me tell you. All this down time off exercise since my surgery has not been kind to me. Anyway it feels good to have gotten out on the bike in Cornwell Park. A couple of loops around and then home.
So this week an old male friend of mine from high school (in fact the guy I had major crush on from 17-28, nominated me to play a silly music game on facebook with him. The idea is to nominate someone who for the next 7 days picks a song and with every song they nominate a friend to do the same. So I thought I would nominate you today.
Here are my picks. I did write why I chose them and why they mean something to me on my Facebook page, but I wont bore you with the comments on the other ones unless you are interested. But this is just some fun.
Day 1. Love not given lightly - Chris Knox - NZ music artist
Day 2. Under Pressure -David Bowie and Queen and Freddie Mercury
Day 3. Heart of Glass - Blondie
Day 4. How Bizarre - OMC - NZ music artist
Day 5. I Know it's over - The Smiths - Rank Live album -
I was introduced to The Smiths by the first boy who properly kissed me and who I made out with (do we still say made out these days - who knows Hahaha). In fact he was best friend of the guy who has me playing this silly game. This boy broke my heart when I was 18 and I still have the letter he wrote to say he didn't want a girlfriend and the kissing and making out was a mistake. Anyway this is the song I had on repeat for months afterwards. LOL . I'm not sure how big The Smiths were in the US, but here in NZ and UK, they were a cult following. Anyway, I remember the teenage angst of it all and him.
Remembering teenage heartbreak reminds me that the heart and soul do recover, and there are other possibilities out there, whatever they may be.
So Lovely U I really stopped by to let you know I was thinking about you. Hope you are having some mindless fun, in the middle of caring for children, work and managing the D and Wife.
Stop by soon and let me know you are ok. You are in my thoughts often.
Hi Jelly - thank you so much for writing. and Vanilla I will be back this weekend to answer your questions as I have been putting a lot of thought into what you wrote too.
I have been busy, sometimes I figure out how busy I was during the day by how long I have had my shoes on. 10 hour shoe day, not too bad; 13 hour shoe day pretty busy. I have been having 18 hour shoe days for the last couple weeks, but I see that is just my fault and I hopefully will be able to resolve that.
Good thing for 24 hour grocery stores and my business being able to be run mostly at my kitchen table. (Teaching is actually enjoyable mostly and not too stressful to me - though the kids can be a handful sometimes). I know I have a lot on my plate right now, and when that happens, I worry that I am not doing anything at full potential, but I don't feel that I am letting anyone down right now. (I'm the plate spinner keeping all those wobbly disks moving)
Without going into every moment for the last couple weeks, I thought I would write a list.
STBXW has been officially(?) gone for nearly 3 weeks now, though much of her things are still here - shoes still on the floor, dresser still piled full of things, clothes still in the closet and laundry room. she still haunts this house with these things and I think I just need to box it all up if she doesn't want to come get it. She has stopped by a couple times to pick up things she needs from the kitchen, but usually when I am gone.
The kids spent last weekend with their mom. (thursday through sunday night). This was the first time I have been without them. Though they stay the night at friends houses from time to time, this was definitely different. I texted D15 every day though and S18 I saw almost every day. He slept at my (our) house one of those nights, because he doesn't have a bedroom at his mom's. I think that is going to happen most of the time which I think is just fine with me.
W is finding that her relationship with her kids is damaged and she is trying to put it back together. She is griping to me about it, but there is nothing I can do about it. I am going to continue being who I am, continue being the great father I have been throughout their lives and especially since BD. The kids know who I am and what they can trust me with. It is not my fault that they cannot trust her with the same. She has to fix that. (though she is asking me to).
S18 has had a health scare (Lyme disease) that we are dealing with, latest scare is some facial paralysis that goes along with it. Infectious disease doctor's, neurologists, antibiotics... It is curable at this point (caught early enough) but still scary. W & I are working together in every aspect for this. Though we are doing it separately (not going to doctor appointments together at this time). I did invite W to dinner with us after a doctor's appointment that she went to. I felt that this was a mistake, but I think the kids wanted it and I think it was rallying moment for us as a family.
She has been fishing with some guilt lures, I see them but try not to chase them. I know the hooks are sharp.
S21 is still out there, but our schedules have not meshed in a while to meet. We have texted back and forth a little though.
I think I am in line to have November being the first normal month with my regular budget plan. Things are very tight, and I am still paying a little extra money to catch up on some old things (taxes mostly) but everything else is current now. I haven't checked my credit ever, but should have a long time ago I guess. It is pretty much ruined for now. In fact, I applied for a credit card for a big box store that I shop at for essentials (to save some money on purchases) but found out that I was declined this week because of such a low credit score (If target doesn't even want me, forget trying anything else). Scary again, but I guess if I pay my bills on time that will improve. I have to research how to fix this. I wanted to get a general credit card for emergencies, but don't think I will apply for it now so I am not declined again - I think that is bad.
I don't think about W as W any more. I don't really miss her much. I took off my ring yesterday and put it away last night (though I did carry it in my pocket for the day). I have worn it throughout this and thought I would wear it until I told that I wasn't married anymore, but it seems like the time now.
W & I worked out a kid's schedule that I think will work (switch on wednesday's with sunday dinner at opposite place.) S18 probably will stay with me most of the time so this mostly applies for D15. W claims that D15 wants to keep her clothes and things at mom's house, but D15 tells me differently.
Chicago is having one of the warmest fall (autumn) season on record but I haven't gotten out on the bike very much lately. I look at it in the garage (looking quite lonely). Maybe this weekend I'll find an hour or two - it will do me good I think.
I really enjoyed taking a virtual tour of NZ with the signs that you gave me - maybe I'll sneak you some of the same. I say I'm close to Chicago, but in a much less cool suburban area in Indiana. I commuted to Chicago for years for work (architecture firm).
I am going to take your music challenge (I love music - one of my passions) and will be back with my list. (by the way - love the smiths and morrissey solo and johnny marr - I don't think it was really popular here, but I NEVER went with the popular route)
I'll update with my list later this weekend. and answer you too Vanilla.
It is so good to hear from you and I love seeing more action on your thread. I'll stop by there too.
Much love back u-turn
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
how about this one: (I'll do this one song at a time at a time)
1. dearly departed by shakey graves.
this one reminds me of the haunted house that I live in but is a catchy tune too. I have been drawn to his music since I first heard this and very much like his style.
I tend not to listen to uplifting happy music too much for some reason. Though a lot of the music that I listen to still reminds me of my situation it doesn't make me sad - only think.
My kids comment on and I think like the range of music that I enjoy - I even like some of theirs too. and we always play different things at dinner. Tonight I had a full table of kids and myself and we played their music.
I cannot listen to any of the music that W listened to any more though - and especially the music that she began to play after BD that reminded her of him (mind reading I know, but I am right).
I always have music on and it always takes me somewhere. I was somewhat of a musician in a former life too.
(hey - did you know - the OMC song was a pretty big hit here sometime in the 90s. didn't know it was a NZ artist)
Last edited by u-turn; 11/08/1503:20 AM.
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
this is actually a happy uplifting song that I like and reminds me of a time that I realized that my parents did as well and as much they could and I stopped the pitty party, but also stopped bending over backwards to please them.
I hope to get to the point again that I'm not angry and hope to not blame W for all that went wrong or anything that goes wrong in the future - as I am flying my own plane, writing my own book, (or digging my own hole).
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
I just U-Tubed Shakey Graves, not an artist I know, but as you said catchy little tune. Oh and he's cute. I had a thing for musicians when I was teenager and early twenties. But what girl didn't Lol
I like that song. Lyrics are interesting. I think we have all been a Ghost in our relationships at times. Good to find a place where you can become real again.
I'm like you I have a tendency towards darker emotional music. I probably would have been a goth or emo in this generation. All angst and black eye liner! LOL I was never brave enough to let all my angst show as a teenager.
I love that this little impromtu sharing about music has given me a little more information about you. I love that you share music with your kids at dinner time and that you connect over it. Cool dad points there!
Yip stay away from music of the wife. I am fortunate that I never liked any of Mr Ex's taste in music, so that's easy. However the previous ex. He had amazing taste in music and there was a time when I couldn't listen to any of it. Times moved on and I can listen to all of it, which is amazing because he introduced me to some amazing stuff.
It felt like a bit of risk being so causal introducing this facebook fun to you ( I wondered if I was being too flippant about where you are with things in your life). But I am pleased that I did. If music is one of your loves then this is the U that has the freedom to be himself and revel in what makes him happy. Maybe when the finances allow there is a few concerts and gigs you can go to. I'm off to Fleetwood Mac at the end of the month. Really looking forward to it.
I'll leave you with my music find of today New Order - Blue Monday, True Faith or Bizarre Love Triangle.
Arohanui My Friend (pronounced A-row-ha-new-ee- in Maori means Big Love)
