I guess I should begin with yesterday. D17 agreed to go with us for my son's last trick or treating and I would take her to the party after S11 was done. She came, but instead decided to stay at my moms house and pass out candy.
My criminal sister was there, waiting around the block because when you are released from jail you are not allowed near your victims and she burglarized a few homes on my mom's street.
Good news, I did not punch her. Yes, you can applause...
Like I said, she has 100000000 kids. All different ages. She kept yelling at my S to go slow to match the speed of her youngest... Her D was telling her to just have her slow ones skip some houses to keep up.
I was getting so ticked off, but my S was having fun with his cousins, so again, I did not punch her....
I was wearing black heeled boots, so after 40 minutes of my sister's nonsense and walking in my heels, I went back to my mom's house and left S11 with his cousins.
I have to say that my detaching skills must be getting better because I completely forgot jerk face would be there. He did not go out with his S for the last ToT.
If MWD was beside me whispering in my ear the night could not have gone better. I brought my baby (puppy) with me. I just taught her how to play peek-a-boo. She takes her little paws and covers her little eyes. (raise you hand if you are choked up, because it is that freakin cute.)
My nephew was at the house with D17 and jerk face. He loves the heck out of me and my baby. He is always so excited to see the new tricks I taught her. We were all sitting in the living room. and me and my nephew were having a blast with the dog. Belly laughing and having so much fun. I was not mean to H, but I was far from nervous. I just ignored him almost completely.
My D17 asked him to drive her to the party. He refused.
I left and drove her to the party.
I came back and my S was done. So I helped my S give jerk face a small part of the candy. I called my S honey a alot because I was slightly irritated H would not drive D. My use of honey was EXACTLY the same inflection and way i used the same word on him when we were together. Just saying it hit me, so I know it jolted jerk face.
I had promised S I would take him to dinner, but I had a halloween party to go to. So, in my H's hearing I asked S if we could do our diner date another night because I was late for a party.
Then we left and I did not think of H anymore. I dropped S off at home and made my way to my costume party.
Sidenote*** Not ONE person knew what the TARDIS was... But the dress looked real nice on me
Now the beginning of my crappyness.
My dearest mom turns to me and drops a bomb. "H is not moving out yet. apparently he has some bills he has to pay off before he can move."
So I am texting my D's telling them to cancel the dinner party I set up for Tuesday. Smiling, because I am at a party and I am not gonna get angry here.
I tell some jokes with the crowd and go dance my tush off and I feel so much better.
I get my D from her party and we go to bed. Life is ok.
We go to S's last soccer game, and he scored his first goal ever! H did not show. Whatever, no big deal.
I take the kids to get new school shoes and winter coats. I totally splurged and bought my puppy a Steeler's jersey!
I make a payment on the car and we go eat. PMA still high, but the reality of me not moving is starting to bring me down.
At some point during the day my H texts me. I ignore him and take a nap.
(due to length, I am breaking this into 2 posts).
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Tonight's activities involve taxiing the children and fixing my S's PC. At one point I finally sit and think, "what the he||, I guess I should answer him."
Ya know how they say DON'T SNOOP!
That is only PARTIALLY OK not to do. I text him back and ask him what he wants. While I am doing that, I am opening mail from my bank.
Cr@p...
When my H left me last time, and moved to Maryland, he got a mini-van, because OW already had like 4 kids (all different fathers).
He defaulted on the payment, and his bank account went negative, so he was put in check systems.
When this stellar example of a real man returned, he had to use my bank account until he fixed his issues. So it was a joint account.
When he started mismanaging funds, I protected us by opening a new bank account in only my name.
I NEVER snoop into the joint account because I know I will see him spending money on Facebook and video games. It drives me CRAZY. So I stopped snooping.
But as I check my mail, I see it. I AM ABOUT TO BE PUT INTO CHECK SYSTEMS!
He has had this account negative since Sept.
It is OK. This is not an emergency at all. Monday I will go to the bank and take care of it. But imagine my state of mind as my H replies. I think I did OK. My real end goal is to save my M, but only if I can have the man I married. Like a financially responsible person with a full time job that pays his bills.
H: When do you plan on moving in to your mom. So I have a time frame as to when I have to go
Me: My plans were to start moving today. I even planned a dinner get together on Tuesday I had to cancel.
Me:But rent here is fine so we can just wait.
10 minute pause and then .......
H: Any way you could help me pay off cable? If you can't, I understand.
Me: X Bank is 3 days away from putting both me and you in check systems because your account is still negative
No reply
Me: I will take care of X bank on Monday, your kids need winter coats and school shoes, I will do that. Then, we will see if I get a support check soon. your cable is 195, right? How much do you need?
H: $198.70
BLOOD BOILED OVER... I called him He did not answer.
H: I'm at work I can't answer the phone
Me: That's probably a good thing
Me: Let's talk about this some other time. I g2g
OK... Here are my issues.
1. HE JUST GOT PAID ON FRIDAY AND HIS CHECK HAS OVERTIME. 2. Nothing... not a single peep about putting us in check systems... 3. He did NOT drive D to party last night. 4. He did not go to soccer game 5. He did not go trick-or-treating 6. I CANT MOVE UNTIL HE MOVES!
I am TOTALLY justified my telling him, to go (do something) to himself. I am clearly right, he is clearly wrong. He will never learn if everyone keeps helping him. He HAS to do this on his own.
6. I CANT MOVE UNTIL HE MOVES!
I stepped away from this post at this point to think about really what is true and not true.
Should I help him if I can? My mind is screaming NO. Am I worried if I don't help him, he will not want to R? Maybe, but I don't know. I want more than anything for him to step up and be a man.
6. I CANT MOVE UNTIL HE MOVES!
Is this really true? NO. I cant move NOW if he does not move. But I can buy my own house when I get my income tax check. That cute little one we were looking at is still for sale and in my price range. Granted, it will financially strap us if I get a mortgage right now. Until I figure out how to live on my paycheck and his support payment that does not even cover rent.
I can wait here and still move in with my mom weeks from now when he fixes his stuff.
Wont he feel like such a man if he has to fix it?
He will hate me if I force him to be a man. Is this statement a fact or a fear of mine?
Does it matter if this statement is a fact or a fear of mine?
Bottom line, I am not helping him. A part of me hopes he gets mad because he is p!ssing me the heck off and it is time for him to feel it too.
I am going to use MY money for me and the kids. I saw the cutest pair of shoes today. Wouldnt it be great if I used the money that could have helped him to buy mushrooms and shoes I dont need.
(I am about to be in check system, I am allowed a little anger. I am not really gonna buy the shoes!)
Very very long story short. Crappy, but not a problem, any of it. PMA up because nothing happened I cant handle.
Now how do I word my response of "Please take that bill and shove it, I cant help you."?
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Mona, when you have a chance...back in a flurry of posts I wanted to know why you would advise against the old Judy disappearing forever. I think she needs to, but you indicated you felt your first time around, losing old Mona was a mistake. I'm curious about your thoughts on this.
I only meant that this time Mona will not go anywhere.
The first time I DB'ed I changed my whole person. I went from a stay at home mom with no job to someone who could not only stand on her own 2 feet, but could carry a family as well. So Mona died in the process, and that was in no way a mistake. Sorry if I worded it badly.
I am happy with myself overall. Yep, gonna make some tweaks here and there, but no Mona killing this time.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Tonight's activities involve taxiing the children and fixing my S's PC. At one point I finally sit and think, "what the he||, I guess I should answer him."
Set yourself rules on it, such as I respond immediately if kids, 4 hrs if it's X, 24 hrs for admin, not at all if a rant or demand for money.
Ya know how they say DON'T SNOOP!
I don't know who 'they' are, but 'they' can be wrong. Intel is different to snooping. Intel is that which you need to know.
That is only PARTIALLY OK not to do. I text him back and ask him what he wants. While I am doing that, I am opening mail from my bank.
Cr@p...
When my H left me last time, and moved to Maryland, he got a mini-van, because OW already had like 4 kids (all different fathers).
He defaulted on the payment, and his bank account went negative, so he was put in check systems.
When this stellar example of a real man returned, he had to use my bank account until he fixed his issues. So it was a joint account.
Why? This man is irresponsible with money, my WH was a gambler. I didn't share he still didn't pay his way.
When he started mismanaging funds, I protected us by opening a new bank account in only my name.
For heavens sake close the old one or at minimum remove your name off it.
I NEVER snoop into the joint account because I know I will see him spending money on Facebook and video games. It drives me CRAZY. So I stopped snooping.
Sweetheart, this isn't snooping, it's your account too. Check it every day.
But as I check my mail, I see it. I AM ABOUT TO BE PUT INTO CHECK SYSTEMS!
He has had this account negative since Sept.
And you are surprised? You are enabling his waywardness, funding it. Where is the reality for him in that?
It is OK. This is not an emergency at all. Monday I will go to the bank and take care of it. But imagine my state of mind as my H replies. I think I did OK. My real end goal is to save my M, but only if I can have the man I married. Like a financially responsible person with a full time job that pays his bills.
Learning! It may not seem an emergency but it is, ask for his half back. Take away his card until he repays. Face it, converrsation with the bank, no overdraft. Only have enough to fund the immediate bills. Nothing extra.
H: When do you plan on moving in to your mom. So I have a time frame as to when I have to go
Me: My plans were to start moving today. I even planned a dinner get together on Tuesday I had to cancel.
Me:But rent here is fine so we can just wait.
Duh! Why we?
10 minute pause and then .......
H: Any way you could help me pay off cable? If you can't, I understand.
Thats your bag WH!
Me: X Bank is 3 days away from putting both me and you in check systems because your account is still negative
No reply
Me: I will take care of X bank on Monday, your kids need winter coats and school shoes, I will do that. Then, we will see if I get a support check soon. your cable is 195, right? How much do you need?
H: $198.70
BLOOD BOILED OVER... I called him He did not answer.
H: I'm at work I can't answer the phone
Me: That's probably a good thing
Me: Let's talk about this some other time. I g2g
Stop enabling, if he has to pay his bills he hasn't money for other wayward things. At the moment you fund his waywardness.
OK... Here are my issues.
1. HE JUST GOT PAID ON FRIDAY AND HIS CHECK HAS OVERTIME. 2. Nothing... not a single peep about putting us in check systems... 3. He did NOT drive D to party last night. 4. He did not go to soccer game 5. He did not go trick-or-treating 6. I CANT MOVE UNTIL HE MOVES!
I am TOTALLY justified my telling him, to go (do something) to himself. I am clearly right, he is clearly wrong. He will never learn if everyone keeps helping him. He HAS to do this on his own.
Yes.
6. I CANT MOVE UNTIL HE MOVES!
I stepped away from this post at this point to think about really what is true and not true.
Should I help him if I can? My mind is screaming NO.
So am I through these pages.
Am I worried if I don't help him, he will not want to R?
He clearly doesn't want R anyway, he just wants his bills paid, so he can play.
Maybe, but I don't know. I want more than anything for him to step up and be a man.
He will only learn that when he sees you as his W.
6. I CANT MOVE UNTIL HE MOVES!
Is this really true? NO. I cant move NOW if he does not move. But I can buy my own house when I get my income tax check. That cute little one we were looking at is still for sale and in my price range. Granted, it will financially strap us if I get a mortgage right now. Until I figure out how to live on my paycheck and his support payment that does not even cover rent.
Go do it.
I can wait here and still move in with my mom weeks from now when he fixes his stuff.
And. If he doesn't? Where will your resources be then? What will he have spent your cash on?
Wont he feel like such a man if he has to fix it?
Whilst you enable, keep him dependent on you then you will keep on doing this dance. It's clearly serving you to enable him. What pay off are you getting from it. What happens if you keep doing what you have been doing, you will keep getting that which you have been getting. It's insanity to do the. Same thing and expect a different result. If you are happy as things are then pay the price to keep things the same. WH will let you.
He will hate me if I force him to be a man. Is this statement a fact or a fear of mine?
Do you really need a response to this? It is just about every thinking error going? Including mind reading, someone else's feelings.
Does it matter if this statement is a fact or a fear of mine?
Not one jot. It is what you do next that counts.
Bottom line, I am not helping him. A part of me hopes he gets mad because he is p!ssing me the heck off and it is time for him to feel it too.
Getting him angry isn't going to help you. Being cool calm collected, in control, with your interests at heart. Giving WH a wake up call, then waiting until he is solid and ready to be a respectful R. I think you were plan b this time, insist on plan A.
I am going to use MY money for me and the kids. I saw the cutest pair of shoes today. Wouldnt it be great if I used the money that could have helped him to buy mushrooms and shoes I dont need.
You can't complain, you made that choice. I have a wasteful WH who manipulated and lied to get cash from me, because I wasn't going to enable. He did it anyway.
(I am about to be in check system, I am allowed a little anger. I am not really gonna buy the shoes!)
Pay a deposit on them, see acquiring them as your freedom kick ass shoes. Try eBay for. A similar pair second hand, by hook or by crook get those shoes.
Very very long story short. Crappy, but not a problem, any of it. PMA up because nothing happened I cant handle.
Good
Now how do I word my response of "Please take that bill and shove it, I cant help you."? [
How about that's your bill, your bag, your sandpit. Or just "no".
Just my take on it
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 11/01/1507:02 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Mona, I would go for the shoes, the mushroom and more cute sweaters and stuff for your puppy! Love how you talk yourself into a PMA.
I don't think you're being mean because mean would be letting H starve to death. He's not at that stage yet, but he has to learn how not to reach that stage?
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
