Hi Ancaire, I'm afraid that I haven't much advice to offer and I just wanted to let you know that I'm impressed on how you are dealing with the situation. You know the road is bumpy but you are doing very well.
Keep faith and take good care of you because you are special xx
M - are you sure you didn't write that story? It has the same kind of knowledge/insight I regularly notice in your posts. I just finished copying it into my journal, so I never forget.
Interesting...I do believe he sees me as an extension. He was highly upset at the idea of me being with someone else, although he can be with as many someones as he wants. He makes statements about the future and the kids which involve me, although I've told him I will do everything I can do to avoid having to see him.
It's like he wants to be free to do what he wants, but doesn't think I'm really going anywhere. He thinks he'll still have access, like I'm a belonging or something. He calls me his wife, while telling me he's already divorced in his mind.
It is so bizarre and confusing. He's nice one minute, hateful the next. I know I'm tired of dealing with it, and far too vulnerable to his nice moments. I need to keep my guard up, but even that is exhausting. I plan to do lots of resting and movie watching this weekend. It'll be wonderful!
In abuse Rs, boundaries are too blurred and diffuse. This is why it feels like he sees you as an extension of himself. He almost certainly does. You are his to do with as he pleases. He can't separate you from himself,so he can't see you as a distinct person who is deserving of respect and care. He will fight your attempts to assert boundaries, and this can be a dangerous time in such Rs. It is why caution and support are so important. Asserting boundaries is absolutely necessary, but it can lead to escalation.
I'd say that you might love him, but your boundaries are too blurred too. You can't love someone unless you can really detach yourself and respect yourself as a distinct individual apart from your R. Until you can stand up and assert your boundaries, you can't know whether or not you still love him. You will likely feel something form him, but I'm betting distance and boundaries will help you see that you feel lots of things, but not truly love for him. Sympathy that he is such a wounded soul and was probably abused himself. Connected to him at some level. But we'll see on the love.
I'm so glad you've got V as a mentor in this. She's fantastic. You're clearly a strong woman. It will be hard, but I'm betting on you all the way.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
I think you love who he was and you still hope that there is a part of him that his still that man. I know because this is what I feel about my H but I have to come to realisation that this man is long gone. They are no longer the men we know
Hi, I did not write it. I really liked the point of the story. I am happy I shared it with you. I was not sure if you would like it. Due to your circumstances I took a chance and posted it. It is an old story and has stood the test of time. I believe it is a undeniably truth of life.
Hang in there Ancaire, better days are coming (and going).
Well, the man who drove all the way over here tonight, just to storm in my room, and stand here shouting at me about how stupid he believes I am, as well as referring to me as the mother of a litter of puppies, for a solid five minutes before storming out and driving off again, has very little in common with the man I say I love.
I had no idea what had set him off at first, until he said something about how he'd told me to keep the kids out of it, and that clued me in. I called my daughter after he left to see if she knew anything. Turns out that he'd told her that his arsehole friend would be willing to drop charges in return for certain concessions, but he wouldn't tell her what those were. When she asked me, I told her.
My son-in-law, upon hearing about the extortion, sent a text to the friend letting him know his opinion about the whole thing. Apparently the manly man went running to my H, who immediately came over to let me have it.
I e-mailed my attorney about an OoP. I cannot imagine I'm expected to just put up with this whenever H feels like dishing it out. I've been told not to engage, because it would be easy to have me thrown in jail again. How is this fair?
I was worried about getting H in trouble over the extortion attempt. I'm not feeling as worried now.
I've been told not to engage, because it would be easy to have me thrown in jail again. How is this fair?
Wrong question to ask.
Of course you wont engage because his words cant reach you any more. He can stand there and yell all he wants. Besides, have you seen puppies... they are adorable.
He is upset. His kids saw what he did not want them to see. You happen to be the person he was a jerk to, but if you step back, he was a jerk, his kids saw it, and he did not want them to. He can try and turn this on you all he wants, but every one... except him... sees the truth.
You also wont engage because you have the skill, the confidence and the support to rise way above any craziness. Shake your head and tell yourself how you are focusing on you. Repeat your goals. Look at ANYTHING that went positive today that could have been awful.
One more time: ...you have the skill, the confidence and the support to rise way above any craziness
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
...and, yeah. Both H and his buddy are upset because they were caught red-handed attempting to extort a mother of five. How low-down does that make them? I believe poop would fall on their heads from where they are.
And what went positive? I just listened to H rant without engaging. I could have validated him, "Yes. I can understand why you believe I'm stupid", but I suspect it would have goaded him into a new level of fury.
I'm getting much better about not reacting to H, and then coming here to vent. That has been a game changer. He looks out of control, and I come off as confused or serene. Both are far better options than violent criminal. <grin>
