less confused newbie. (6)

[ep0215]

I am anti-D. I would never be one to tell you to leave her behind and move on. However, let me ask you this: Will a change in legal status change what is in your heart? It won't for me. I think a big change in thinking for you is going to be losing the fear of that legal change. That's all it is. A piece of paper saying D, and spelling out division of assets.

D- please do some tough thinking. So many of us are petrified with fear at the thought of the D being final, that we let ourselves be taken advantage of in the worst ways. How "real" that D is depends on you and your heart. Some WAS only begin to reconsider after they get the D they thought they wanted. They realize their fantasy isn't nearly as wonderful as they thought it would be. Full of remorse, they come back.

D - I don't want to hijack your post so I will copy this on my thread too but I just wanted to say, Ancaire - thank you for the 2x4 today. This is actually what I needed to hear today. I think I want him to reconsider his actions so badly that I am afraid I will be taken advantage of again just to what?, stay married? I need his return to our marriage to be genuine and full of remorse and I know that won't happen overnight. I will keep doing what I am doing for myself and not for him.

[dday]

Thanks all. Ancaire, I think you put my thoughts to type. It seems like she is perfectly happy with the status quo. Here today we are hanging out together with the boys at the games. I took s6 and went and had some fun with him at a friends house. It was good. Then back to the ballgame.

I'm not sure how long I am willing to do this. But, once I get a financial hit, I am toast. W won't be able to afford the heat bill as soon as it's final, but I don't know what it will cost me during this time either.

[dday]

So after spending the day together, I pulled the wagon with 2 sleepy kids and our chairs etc. To W car. Helped load everything up, and started to walk away. W thanked me a couple times. Then said "see ya", and I replied bye. The time we spent together was nice, and reminds me of us. But then she took them trick or treating at her famiky, and I came back to my rental. It [censored], but it's not bothering me as much today. We were together at basketball and 2 baseball games. I don't know if we are making progress, or she just expects me to be her friend.

I really am unsure on how to proceed. I don't want to be just her friend. But, does being her friend give me the best shot? I won't settle for that, and would rather be D than constantly left second guessing everything forever.

I felt much more at ease today. Happier than this spring at baseball, when I was trying to be super H. More talkative, and had a good time. Those are 180s for me from spring ball. More positive, social, and less worried about things.

[Ancaire]

D - being her friend is good. It puts you in a good position to DB. But, don't do it forever. Do some thinking about our earlier exchange. Maybe approach it after the first of the year. She needs to realize that this limbo needs to end. So do you.

Be unavailable once in a while, D. Decline an invitation. Don't answer the phone when she calls. Delay texting as long as you can. Be a little mysterious. Talk about a new friend...your friend Judy who also raised boys. Just a friend you met online through other friends. Use any name you like...I'm trying to help you knock her off her comfy perch without lying. Nothing wrong with making friends.

Shake that woman up, before you wind up in the friend zone forever! She's getting into a rhythm. This is not the goal you want to reach, right?

[dday]

You are right, I don't want to stay there. Our dynamic has had some changes lately, and maybe I should be happy with that for a while. Maybe not. I am doing fun things with the boys when I can. I joked around with her a bit today, and threw in a couple innuendos.

Yes, I think she needs shaken up a bit. I don't want things to stall here much longer

[Ancaire]

Try one new thing at a time. See what works. If it works, repeat. If it doesn't work, lose that one.

[Azzork]

Don't do something just for the sake of change or to "shake her up". This is a marathon. Not a sprint.

I've heard it said that lawyers never ask a question in court that they don't already know the answer to. In my mind, it's kind of the same thing here in DB-land. Don't do something unless you already know the outcome. Let's say you did something radical, but didn't know how it was going to play forward. In my mind, there's too much risk that everything goes haywire.

So let things play out. The more you try to force it, the more you will head down the path to divorce, I believe.

[Ancaire]

D - I see what Az is saying, but my suggestions aren't radical. They are in line with Sandi's suggstions and LRT.

Az doesn't want you to do anything that could harm your DBing, something that might make WW run far away: Huge, giant changes too fast and too soon could do more harm than good. (It goes without saying, I don't want you to mess up your excellent DBing, either!)

MWD suggests having an air of mystery. Little changes, like those I've recommended, can help with that. Small changes that she'll notice. The key here is to be subtle. I really should have been careful to point that out earlier. You've got quite a few followers I would hate to lead astray. Mystery is small, subtle changes; Big changes would make you the equivalent of a WAS! We don't want that. They can keep their insanity...lol

Since you're reporting small changes in your situation right now, I don't know that you need to do anything yet. If you stall again, you can be a little harder to get and see what happens. You've got plenty of time.

[dday]

Thanks az and Ancaire. I will let things be for a while. I will go back and reread DR. That should keep my head busy for a couple evenings at least.

I guess I am just tired of being patient. Tired of my life being on hold. My lease here is until summer, so I guess that I still have time to wait.

I will try and figure out what my next little change should be.


__________________________

I'm grateful today:

Last day of baseball. S8 won both yesterday, and we are the 1 seed.

S6 and I had a great time practicing shooting and messing with a friends horses.

Watched game 4 last night. It was fun to watch.

[Sotto]

Hi Dday, maybe we can reframe the patience and the waiting.

Yes, you can stand for your M and leave the door open a tiny bit. But as for living your own life as though W is never coming back....I would not put that on hold for a moment....I would make your plans and forge ahead with them as though you will be living alone from now on. What is the best possible life for you in that instance?

I'm not saying your W is never coming back..who knows what may happen? Just that how you live your own life, given present circumstances is all important and it's all about you just now....good luck with things my friend