at the house yesterday, for the first 2-3 hours we were cordial and distant from each other. she asked about having some money. I explained why I only gave her what I did. I could tell it bothered her, but she said she understood.
then she left to drop stuff off at her place. i finished clearing everything out while she was gone, and had my truck filled to go to the dump. i said everything is done, can you just vacuum and then we are good. she said yeah thats fine. i said ill see you around and walked out.
her car was blocking me in, so I went back inside to ask her to move it and she had tears in her eyes, and smiled when she saw me. And said ''damn, i thought that was all you where going to say and it was super cold.'' I laughed and said what do you expect? she said she understood why i had left like that. Then we started talking, she asked me a lot about how I feel. We talked about things that happened and how we got to that point etc etc.
One thing that stood out is that she classified what happened between us as me emotionally abusing her... I had never thought it had gotten to that point... but I understand her view on it. It just makes the hurdle that much higher to jump.
she looked at me like she used to look at me when we first met. (I don't care what people say, I know the look) she said she misses me so much. that she is so confused. because she had gotten to the point of hating me. she says she still loves me, but cant act on it because she has to remember why she left. and has to work on herself still. that she cant work on herself and a marriage right now. She said she sees a man fighting for his marriage. She said she hopes I can find the strength to be the man I need to be.
I said I had to go. And we went in for a hug at the same time. And ended up holding each other. She said she missed me again. We pulled apart and she said she wanted to kiss me, but she cant. She then said, we can ''hang out'' soon. And that she'll let me know.
Not sure about all this. I am pretty detached right now. So my hopes are not too high.
She called to today freaking about money, and I got her to calm down. She said she was so scared of how shes going to take care of herself. I said I was sorry, and that I understood why it could be so frightening. But that she made the choice to live like this. I said I could stop by and drop off some things of hers tonight, with some cash I have for her. And she said no, that she was having some ''friends'' over.
this did crush me a little bit. But still feeling pretty confident about where I am going. I have started talking to a few different girls. Its a little weird, but definitely feels good to go ''on the hunt'' again :P
Going downtown for Halloween tonight, pretty excited. Not going to drink! And I actually have not had a drink for two weeks now! Go me
M: 29 W: 28 D: 8 S:1 M: 10 T: 11 BD1: 8//15 (physically separate) Back together: 4/16 BD2: 3/18, physically separate 6/18) Here we are again.
