Becoming the Anchor, Part 4

[asitis]

Interesting...I do believe he sees me as an extension. He was highly upset at the idea of me being with someone else, although he can be with as many someones as he wants. He makes statements about the future and the kids which involve me, although I've told him I will do everything I can do to avoid having to see him.

It's like he wants to be free to do what he wants, but doesn't think I'm really going anywhere. He thinks he'll still have access, like I'm a belonging or something. He calls me his wife, while telling me he's already divorced in his mind.

It is so bizarre and confusing. He's nice one minute, hateful the next. I know I'm tired of dealing with it, and far too vulnerable to his nice moments. I need to keep my guard up, but even that is exhausting. I plan to do lots of resting and movie watching this weekend. It'll be wonderful!

In abuse Rs, boundaries are too blurred and diffuse. This is why it feels like he sees you as an extension of himself. He almost certainly does. You are his to do with as he pleases. He can't separate you from himself,so he can't see you as a distinct person who is deserving of respect and care. He will fight your attempts to assert boundaries, and this can be a dangerous time in such Rs. It is why caution and support are so important. Asserting boundaries is absolutely necessary, but it can lead to escalation.

I'd say that you might love him, but your boundaries are too blurred too. You can't love someone unless you can really detach yourself and respect yourself as a distinct individual apart from your R. Until you can stand up and assert your boundaries, you can't know whether or not you still love him. You will likely feel something form him, but I'm betting distance and boundaries will help you see that you feel lots of things, but not truly love for him. Sympathy that he is such a wounded soul and was probably abused himself. Connected to him at some level. But we'll see on the love.

I'm so glad you've got V as a mentor in this. She's fantastic. You're clearly a strong woman. It will be hard, but I'm betting on you all the way.