D...here are some thoughts. WS are selfish. Everything is about them. They are looking at the world through a "me, me, me" filter. Every one of us comments on the changes we see in a WS. That is the main reason why. Their world changes in a way that it only revolves around them, not you, not the kids, just them.
Your W is not worried at all about your financial situation. She could probably keep it going this way forever because she's in a pretty comfortable position right now, right?
I am anti-D. I would never be one to tell you to leave her behind and move on. However, let me ask you this: Will a change in legal status change what is in your heart? It won't for me. I think a big change in thinking for you is going to be losing the fear of that legal change. That's all it is. A piece of paper saying D, and spelling out division of assets.
Even after my H gets his D, I still plan on DBing to the best of my ability. My vows, that I meant with all my heart, will still hold. He's out looking for his happiness right now. The day will come when he realizes happiness comes from within. If he wakes up, realizes what he's done, is remorseful, and willing to do the work...I'll take him back. H is my husband. I will be lonely, but I will also have time to do all kinds of things I might not get to do otherwise. I do not believe in his legal piece of paper. Until the day I hear something different from God, I'll consider myself married. That could change one day, but it is tomorrow's problem.
I'm pointing all this out for a reason. I think it's very possible your WW is very happy with the status quo. How is she being challenged, exactly? She said she didn't want to be married to you. Now, she gets to have you when it's convenient for her. She has the kids with regular breaks. She's got insurance, financial support, and doesn't have to work full time. What do you think?
You, meanwhile, are carrying the financial load, limited in your time with your kids, and are baffled by your WW's mixed messages. How is the current situation good for you in any way?
My advice will sound strange, I think. Lose the fear of D. You can always continue DB and remarry. Think about how long you're content to continue this way. 3 more months? 6? A year? Why on earth would your W want anything to change? Do you ever want to have the opportunity to take your kids on a trip? What if your car needs repairs? Christmas gifts for your family?
My suggestion is to put a time limit on how long you're going to live like this. At the end of that time, ask WW about D status. Ask her to move it along. One of several things will happen: 1) She'll move it along and the D will take place. You'll be more financially fit. You can continue to DB as long as you're willing. D doesn't always mean, "The End."
2) She'll wake the heck up. She will realize you're not just going to wait on her and be content with her running the show anymore. You've been doing a fine job DB, and all that work will pay off. You might even R.
3) (Worst possibility.) She'll get angry, and move it along. She then comes out in the open with OP. You realize the rumors where true. You move on.
D- please do some tough thinking. So many of us are petrified with fear at the thought of the D being final, that we let ourselves be taken advantage of in the worst ways. How "real" that D is depends on you and your heart. Some WAS only begin to reconsider after they get the D they thought they wanted. They realize their fantasy isn't nearly as wonderful as they thought it would be. Full of remorse, they come back.
I'm sorry if I sound tough. I've read Sandi' s posts about the thoughts of a WAS so many times, I am positive, nothing is going to change until something BIG does change. And you, my friend, are hurting financially. Who is looking out for you?
