less confused newbie. (6)

[dday]

Is it normal to feel like I wish this was over. I would love to reconcile, but if it's not going to happen, then I want this done so I can move on. I am financially tied up until it is final. I drive junk, I live in a run down house. When this is over, I am going to get a nicer ride and start building my own home.

I would much rather be at home with my W and kids. But, if it's not the case then I want to be free of paying rent and half a mortgage. Tired of being stuck with this part of my life. That is part of my limbo feeling. I know I need to quit waiting on her. But it's hard to move forward on some things when the plans need money to fund them.

Ranting I guess

[Ancaire]

Completely normal. I was just saying something similar on my thread. DB is hard. It's not for the uncommitted or the impatient. We're a rare breed, D, in a very small club. We all have good days and bad days. We're lucky enough to be able to rant and get answers here.

This feeling will pass.

[dday]

Thank you Ancaire. This is truly something that is out of character for me. I have always tried to be there for the kids and W. Now, I will do anything I can for my kids. I would for W also, of things were different.

Here is something, I have definately learned that my priorities were skewed before. I always tried to make as much money as I could, so my family could have anything they needed. At the expense of my time and sometimes happiness. Now, I want to spend as much quality time with them as possible. So there is something positive that has occurred for me. Another step on my growth?

I do see that there are some positive aspects of this, even though I would rather not be going through this. Silver lining in a rain cloud, I guess

[Fogg]

Yes, completely normal to want this pain to be over with.

That is alot of activity to be doing together and it may be that you need to cut it out slowly. There is a point where it's full on cake eating and then maybe some tasting. We just want them to have a taste to want more.

I did the same with limiting W's consequences but it was just how things played out. The alternative for me at the time would have caused more issues so I picked my battles.

I wasn't implying to do more with her or go to the event tonight, you handled that great.

I'm just challenging some of the mindsets we all pick up that aren't always accurate to every sitch/period in a sitch anf I think could cause damage with the amount of nice guys (why think if they do everything right things will work out) on the forum. We hear and then repeat things that we see works at one point in our path and assume it's a standard to always follow, which is wrong.

[dday]

I am grateful today:

Had a good evening with sister and brother in law, tried a new restaurant.

Watched a world series game.

Have our last baseball tourney starting today.

____________________________

Last night, not being there with my boys, was rough. I hope it was the right thing to do. Actually have an upset stomach over it. Didn't sleep well. I guess I have literally worried myself sick over it.

But, if we are to be seperate... then this is what will be. Doesn't matter how horrible I feel about it.

Now today s6 and S8 have basketball games, then S8 has a baseball tourney. I will try and be nice and happy and love on my boys. I want to love on my W. But I can't.

Now, the last couple days, I have become more accepting that these are her feelings, and her decision. I do not agree with it at all, but she is entitled to whatever she feels. If I had truly made her that unhappy, then I don't blame her for wanting out. I hope she reconsider this, but that's on her. I feel like I am closer to dropping the rope.

I feel ready to truly move forward now. I will leave the door cracked, but I am tired. I have done several gal type things every week for a month or so. This has went on way longer than I ever would have dreamed, and I am becoming impatient. I will fight the urge to have any talks, but it will be tough.

Today will be a good day. Plenty of kids stuff to do. Wish me luck with pma!

[dday]

Mid day update. Went to basketball. W has a nasty cold. S6 has a pretty bad cough himself. He played his game and I brought him to my place to grab a sandwich and brush his teeth, because he "forgot". Got him showered and clean and gave him a faux hawk. He's pretty proud of it. Made a warm tea for him and took one to W. Trying to be thoughtful, nice, and acts of service is her ll. We chatted through S8 game. Felt almost like normal.

W made a comment to another mom about helping do something in mid december. W said, "I'm off on Tuesdays, so I can come help". Well, once D is final, she has to go back full time to get insurance. Not sure if she's forgotten that or plans on this dragging out forever or ?

It gives me some hope, that she is not pushing this anymore. I know I need to keep them low. It's tough. Here I was this morning, thinking I was ready to move on... and I'm right back in again. I'm not stressing over it at least, that's an improvement.

I will never be ok with the S, do not want D, but I want some resolution too. I know some say that I am not in limbo, but it sure feels that way.

[Azzork]

Dday -

1) she doesn't HAVE to go back full time. You think she SHOULD go back, but her finances aren't your problem anymore. Let her figure it out.

2) I wouldn't focus too much on the status of the Divirce proceedings. There's tons of reasons she could stall and not be related to the feelings she may or may not have towards you. As you just said, maybe she doesn't WANT to work full time?

3) the only resolution you could get right now is divorced. She isn't going to choose your M right now. So what exactly would you want to do?

[dday]

To get insurance, she has to be full time. Company policy. I have to keep insurance on her until then, according to seperation agreement.

I hope W is reconsidering things, and not just trying to milk the last bit of my paychecks from me. I seriously have like 50 bucks per week to feed myself and the boys. Everything else is spent on support, mortgage, rent, electric etc. I don't even have cable, landlines phone, internet... I have car insurance due in a few weeks, that will take all my cash for the month.

So, if we are getting a D, I need it done soon for financial reasons. W wants the house, so she had to buy me out. It will be a mid 5 figure number. That will go a long way towards giving me a comfortable place to start building a small home. I have the tools, know how, help and time. Just no cash. This is my plan B.

Anyway, all that rant is a moot point if we can reconcile. I just wish I knew what she was thinking on holding up the D. I can't move on with most of my plans, one way or the other, until this is resolved. Much rather be home wi th my family! But plan B can make for a decent life, even if she's not in it.

Az, I think I just got what you meant. I need to sir down, shut up, hold on because all I can do is push her towards D. Right? Sorry, I may be kinda slow today

[Fogg]

I hope W is reconsidering things, and not just trying to milk the last bit of my paychecks from me.

I just wish I knew what she was thinking on holding up the D.
You assume she knows the answer. She might be rethinking, might be milking it, might not be thinking about it at all. We just don't know for sure at this point so no reason to stress about it. There are better things to focus on. Easier said than done, yes I know.

Az, I think I just got what you meant. I need to sir down, shut up, hold on because all I can do is push her towards D. Right? Sorry, I may be kinda slow today

If you already have in the agreement you are paying for those things than yes, all you can do is push the D along and make things worse. Patience.

[Ancaire]

D...here are some thoughts. WS are selfish. Everything is about them. They are looking at the world through a "me, me, me" filter. Every one of us comments on the changes we see in a WS. That is the main reason why. Their world changes in a way that it only revolves around them, not you, not the kids, just them.

Your W is not worried at all about your financial situation. She could probably keep it going this way forever because she's in a pretty comfortable position right now, right?

I am anti-D. I would never be one to tell you to leave her behind and move on. However, let me ask you this: Will a change in legal status change what is in your heart? It won't for me. I think a big change in thinking for you is going to be losing the fear of that legal change. That's all it is. A piece of paper saying D, and spelling out division of assets.

Even after my H gets his D, I still plan on DBing to the best of my ability. My vows, that I meant with all my heart, will still hold. He's out looking for his happiness right now. The day will come when he realizes happiness comes from within. If he wakes up, realizes what he's done, is remorseful, and willing to do the work...I'll take him back. H is my husband. I will be lonely, but I will also have time to do all kinds of things I might not get to do otherwise. I do not believe in his legal piece of paper. Until the day I hear something different from God, I'll consider myself married. That could change one day, but it is tomorrow's problem.

I'm pointing all this out for a reason. I think it's very possible your WW is very happy with the status quo. How is she being challenged, exactly? She said she didn't want to be married to you. Now, she gets to have you when it's convenient for her. She has the kids with regular breaks. She's got insurance, financial support, and doesn't have to work full time. What do you think?

You, meanwhile, are carrying the financial load, limited in your time with your kids, and are baffled by your WW's mixed messages. How is the current situation good for you in any way?

My advice will sound strange, I think. Lose the fear of D. You can always continue DB and remarry. Think about how long you're content to continue this way. 3 more months? 6? A year? Why on earth would your W want anything to change? Do you ever want to have the opportunity to take your kids on a trip? What if your car needs repairs? Christmas gifts for your family?

My suggestion is to put a time limit on how long you're going to live like this. At the end of that time, ask WW about D status. Ask her to move it along. One of several things will happen: 1) She'll move it along and the D will take place. You'll be more financially fit. You can continue to DB as long as you're willing. D doesn't always mean, "The End."

2) She'll wake the heck up. She will realize you're not just going to wait on her and be content with her running the show anymore. You've been doing a fine job DB, and all that work will pay off. You might even R.

3) (Worst possibility.) She'll get angry, and move it along. She then comes out in the open with OP. You realize the rumors where true. You move on.

D- please do some tough thinking. So many of us are petrified with fear at the thought of the D being final, that we let ourselves be taken advantage of in the worst ways. How "real" that D is depends on you and your heart. Some WAS only begin to reconsider after they get the D they thought they wanted. They realize their fantasy isn't nearly as wonderful as they thought it would be. Full of remorse, they come back.

I'm sorry if I sound tough. I've read Sandi' s posts about the thoughts of a WAS so many times, I am positive, nothing is going to change until something BIG does change. And you, my friend, are hurting financially. Who is looking out for you?