Still riding the waves

[mleigh4]

Thank you Job. For the first time in a long time I am fully living in the present and enjoying it. I look back here and there, but I don't stay, way too painful. I look ahead too, but it's so blurry, so I try not to bother with that. The present is where I feel comfortable.

I had to pack up the rooms into boxes to get ready for the carpet. I already find myself thinking that I am not going to unpack it all, especially all the pictures in frames of H and I in our early years....

I find when the days get quiet between H and I, I really do some good thinking and processing. I wonder if it's the same for him? I can see now how he has fallen back into a time in his teenage past to relive. The dumpy "first place", the way he decorated his house (a mix of Thomas Kinkaid and Harley Davidson), his go kart.....it's all so clear. I try not to figure out the why, I catch myself, it's his why to figure out.

Detaching I am. I found some items in the garage that he must have rummaged through when he was here alone. They were placed out like he was going to take them and forgot, welding wire, some work stuff and some danger signs. Normally I would get mad about it, instead, I placed some things I wanted to return to him and some mail with it! I figured if he came back to get it, there it is. But he never did so I put it all back away.

When he moved, He had taken the shop vac in the garage and I was pretty ticked about that, I used it a lot. I found a mini shop vac at Ace hardware! Only $20! So I am going to hang that in the old ones spot.

I am staying healthy. Eating good, going to try some new recipes. I have a regular routine now of walking the dog, yoga and lifting arm weights each night. Going to get a plyo video to take it up a notch!

I am living for today, thinking about some new traditions for S and I this holiday season, and staying positive about it all.

[mleigh4]

Still pretty quiet here.

Monday night I dropped off S to H. No small talk, no chit chat, got S out of truck, gave him big hugs and goodbyes, and left. When I drove up, H was talking to his neighbor about the well water or something, but I didn't ask, don't really care.

Seriously, I DONT CARE. I feel so....numb? Detached? Tired of him? I am working on figuring that out.

Got my new carpet in the rooms today! I feel so proud, I took care of this myself, paid for it myself, got a beautiful upgrade for the house, by myself. I can't wait for S to see it.

He has no school tomorrow, so I took a vacation day to watch him and his 2 buddies. Should be crazy!

H TM tonight. First random in over 2 weeks:

H: any plans or ideas for trick or treating Saturday? S says he didn't know. (His friend) is staying overnight after so hitting his neighborhood would work...just wanted to make sure you didn't have anywhere you were thinking about....

Hmmmm, look at H...assuming I will tag along on his night with S to trick or treat. In the past I would have been overjoyed and ecstatic he considered me....now.....not so much....

Me: S knows, he said he wants to trick or treat at (friends) I thought you had that coordinated with (friends mom) along with the sleepover? If you can't take him I can. Oh, and remember S has no school tomorrow, I took day off, you can drop him off here.

Of course.....silence......

I am going to talk with S about this, but I am guessing he can care less who takes him as long as he is with his BFF. I am planning on letting H handle it this year, on his own. Having had the Halloween party, I feel as if I celebrated with S, I can skip the trick or treating this year.

I continue to feel very strongly about doing holidays this year separately, no wavering happening here. What better time to start than now? I also am still having a lot of flashbacks and feeling waves of anger. I suppose that is happening to keep me strong....I have no desire for any further fake family time.

Aside from that, my PMA remains high. I would love to spend some time with friends this weekend.

[Sotto]

Hi Mleigh - I think that's fair enough with the Hallowe'en response. You are just reinforcing that message that you'll be making your own plans for these occasions. Glad you are feeling resolved about that. And good for you with the new carpet! I found that I have a special affection for those things I worked hard to make, mend, save for....since our separation last year.

Have a great day xx

[CaliGuy]

M

Not much to add nor say but I think you are handling this all very well. I'm curious to see what your H will do with this approach

Thoughts n prayers going out to you and yours

[mleigh4]

Hi Sotto. I feel confident, but it's hard. My son is my world, I do hate to miss the trick or treating, it's a first, but I just don't see myself walking the neighborhood with H. I don't feel like being buddies for the night! I hope I am not going backwards here. I am not sure why I have fallen into being uncomfortable around him again, I thought I was past that anger and resentment....it's been coming on pretty strong lately...I suppose it could be the anticipation of the upcoming holidays and the fact he has robbed me of spending them as a true United family. I know I have the choice to grin and bear it, I know H would happily spend them together, but I think I would regret that, I don't like the image of myself as a doormat and enabler.

Hi Cali. Well, I guess it got his attention. Last night H TM back:

H: I can take him (trick or treating) Are you going trick or treating?

Me: I am going to talk to S about passing this year. I don't think he will care either way.

Silence....

H dropped off S with me this morning. H LOVES the carpet, he couldn't stop saying how good it looks and telling me I did a great job. He then mentioned the last big unfinished home project we always wanted, granite counters in the kitchen. He said he knows a guy. I told him that is my next goal I am saving for, but in the meantime I just plan on having the tiles deep cleaned and resealed to last a couple more years.

He mentioned that he forgot to get some stuff in the garage last time he was here, I said I noticed, it's in there. I told him to feel free to take the rest of his things that are in there, he said nothing and only took what he needed.

I figure he noticed all the stuff I am storing for my friends, but he didn't say anything about it. It's funny, the husband, a friend of H, had told me to let him think some guy is moving his stuff in! Lol, you would think so by his stuff. I figure, let H wonder.

So, H had the charm on this morning, happy and chipper, maybe he really is happier being on his own? Ouch. He almost sucked me in, but I caught myself and put my guard back on. I really hate all this, I want to continue closing up this chapter in my life.

My girlfriend invited me out Saturday night with her and her husband. We are going to dress up and hit some local places. Sounds fun!

[job]

I'm glad the carpet was a huge success. One project done and I'm sure you'll come up w/more to do later on. You'll get those countertops later on and who knows, they may be a little bit cheaper by then and/or the "fad" will have changed up again.

I like the idea of you going out w/some of your adult friends Saturday night. You should have a lot of fun, i.e., a change in routine for you. Your h is very predictable in wanting to know if you are going out w/them. I'm sure your son won't mind if you pass on the trick or treating w/him, just as long as his father is w/him.

Go and have some fun tomorrow night!

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh- your Halloween plans sound fun and good to hear you are happy withe the carpet.

Your line about "fake family" stuff really struck a cord with me.

Enjoy yourself tonight.

[mleigh4]

Hi Job and Hawho, thanks for stopping by.

Well, I was wrong. I talked to S and he has made it very clear he wants me to go trick or treating. He actually cut me off at one point and said, you're going.

So, I promised myself S comes first throughout this mess and I won't let him down. Unfortunately it's not really something H and I can split, I still plan on going out with my friends after.

It's funny, out of the blue, MIL was being very friendly on Thursday, sending me pics of S at his school party. Then yesterday I hear from FIL out of the blue to see how I am doing. It's like they sense I am shutting down or something, or I wonder if they are seeing something in H, or maybe it's just a coincidence! Lol

I am still feeling very emotional these days, but I am going to chalk it up to hormones and ride it out. However, I still am waiting for a chance to talk a bit with H. I thought maybe a good question would be to ask him what next year looks like to him as far as plans and goals. Just to see where his head is at. IDK, again, not sure if this urge to talk is just my hormones at work.

I am reading the Power of Now and it's helping me to focus on now instead of trying to see ahead through the next couple of months. My mind just can't stop spinning about it, but if I am able to catch it and stop, and feel how happy I am at this very moment, I feel better.

I took the leap and for the first time I went back in my posts and read where I was at this time last year. Seems H has not changed much, but I have come a long way for sure. It was hard to read, he was still at home and it was horrible, just feeling that place again reminded me how much better off S and I are with him away from home. Home has become such a happy place for me again, so much that I am becoming a homebody. So, looking forward to getting myself out tonight, it should be good for me.

Happy Halloween!

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh- yes, you have to put your son first. In a few years your son will not want either of you anywhere near him on Halloween! Enjoy it while it lasts.

I am wondering if awareness by in-laws was spurred on by the return of the key to the lake house?!? Hate to mind read, but maybe . . .

I have not had the courage to re-read my thread. Sometimes out of the clear blue, I still can't believe this is my life. I had an eye appt. the other day and the form asked if I was married, single or divorced. I circled "married" but felt there should be a sub-category: "really" married or "fake" married?

I think this time of year is very dangerous. The holidays bring out a lot of emotions. We all have an expectation of what holidays should be. I am right there with you...

[job]

I think the holidays are reminders to the in-laws that their son's family is divided.

Holidays bring out lots of emotions not only for us, but also for the MLCers. From now until March 17th, there will be a lot of touch and goes for many of the posters and there will also be some false reconciliations along the way too. It happens every year because many people want that comfort of being home w/family and they miss the traditions, but once the Bunny has poked his head out and the Easter Parade is over, many of the reconciliations go up in smoke.