Re: She Wants Me to Leave....3rd Time in 4 Years 2

[isittoolate]

Even now she can't bring herself to use the word separation or D she says ' we can't continue in this limbo'

She has a huge guilt complex from breaking up family . Our boys have no idea what is going on.
A complication is the odd EA with a male friend (see posts from yesterday), she invited him to the house to meet me yesterday!

I view it as a non-sexual outlet for her to get away from the pressure of the R. I asked whether she had talked about the R with Ea , at first she denied and then later in the evening, apologised for lying and admitted she had spoken about R with him. Her guilt was too big. She has never lied to me in our MR as far as I know. She is more likely to say nothing than lie.

[Zephyr]

how about the kids, how much have you been doing with them?

8 & 11 are an awfully fun age for boys. There is an absolute ton of potential there for you to focus on...instead of on the wife.

The nice guy is a killer. YES. I am/was (working on it) one of the members of the club. this was and is so important to understand and eradicate from the behavior, period. Keep that as a primary focus too. This kills self esteem, no conflict, door mat behaviors, name it...it is prevalent. I am glad you are reading and working on this.

One thing, you said was fear of rejection...why? what was behind your fears there...this may be something to look at with IC. I know that looking at fear of rejection (not just sex, but other pieces) had caused me issues with public speaking, interaction with piers, etc. and worst...it quieted my voice when speaking up to wife.

Also, score keeping, have you read up on silent contracts and score keeping (a huge trait with nice guys - forming resentment). I would suggest you do some reading if you haven't.

[isittoolate]

Very true re: sons

They both have very active after school activities so it's hard to introduce any more - they need a day off! Problem is most don't involve dad (dad is a spectator)or dad is away on a business trip.

Also winter approaches. I am trying to get more QT with them in the house, playing games, having fun and goofing around, reading to S8

[isittoolate]

Extra Goals added: I will review them every Sunday

With W:
1. I will not follow W around house like a puppy dog
2. I will not initiate conversation with W but will engage when she does
3. I will not txt, or phone her unless she does first
4. I will change the evening dynamic to be less available for her
5. I will continue to perform some house duties as before BD but not extra

Kids:
6. I will show love to our boys each and every day through word and deed
7. I will bring fun and laughter into the house and lighten the mood
8. I will do more to organise childcare
9. I will ring the kids before bed every night I am working away
10. I will kiss the kids goodnight and hug them and say ILY when I am at home

GAL:
11. I will reignite my passion for running and enter a few races
12. I will start salsa dancing lessons – one or two per week
13. I will contact old friends and meet up with them – one every two weeks.

Personal
14. I will take care of myself with regard to sleep and reduce my sleeping pills
15. I will maintain my present weight and not lose anymore.
16. I will shave each and every day
17. I will get a new Hairstyle? smile
18. I might get some Botox? (If W can have it so can I!)

I will do spontaneous acts of kindness to friends, neighbours or strangers as opportunities arise
I will assert myself physically through open body language,standing tall, eye contact, facing W when talking, listening,not interrupting, validating.
I will update my wardrobe a little
I will read NMMNG, Co-dependency No More, and Hold on to your NUTS

[isittoolate]

Had to call W to discuss childcare arrangements for tonight.

She is out at a Halloween night out with girls from work.
I arranged a last minute night out with an old pal whose partner is expecting first child soon..

So we need a childminder but it's complicated as s11 will be out with scouts at Halloween party and childminder cannot drive.

Anyway W was again curious as to where I was going out - I had just said I'm going out but she asked me why I was being vague so I told her my plans.

It's not a big deal just interesting - she is noticing my extra GAL activities (though before BD I had a good social life), it's become like a competition to out GAL each other though she will always win as she has a much wider circle of friends and can never say no to an invite.

All our phone discussions are warm, and she is chatty, and seemingly always accommodating to any request I have re: scheduling. It feels like she wants me to GAL so I won't be 'lonely'. She wants me to be active in all the boys activities as well.

I know I'm mind reading but I can't get past the feeling she is walking me down the road wanting an amicable separation and this is her preparation .

[isittoolate]

Back home after one night away. Memories are everywhere even airports. Last time I was in that airport in June/July I bought her a small gift. When I look back at her reactions to such small gifts, they were always , thanks and a little kiss on the lips , that was it.

I think I used such gifts and things like foot rubs, small notes she left me with salutations love xxx, as a temp check on the R. Looking back her response was never more than lukewarm.

Anyway I'm halfway through NMMNG and can see several traits in me, some of which I cured but some I didn't.

My passive aggressive behaviour was pointed out to me by W , I negated, ignored it until first BD then realised I had to change and did a 180 on it. Also I took responsibility for my own needs by taking up running after a 7 year hiatus and joining a cycling club and spending £2000 on a bike - I had never spent money on myself like that before

But other traits like walking on eggshells, in fear of rocking the boat I didn't cure..Fear was always my worst trait. Fear of losing everything. Now I have to face that fear and face it down.

W sent a upbeat voicemail followed by text with the finalised childcare arrangements and wished me a good evening with several beer tankards emots.

I guess upbeat text and phone calls are better than the opposite or nothing at all.
But she only texts or calls re kids.

Tomorrow I will see her for the first time in 2 days, I must remember my goals.

[mutatio]

Be the man you aspire to be, a good man, a just man, a respected man, a compassionate and kind man.
This man is inside you, all you have to do is give him a voice.

[isittoolate]

A good morning so far.

I got home late last night after a few drinks with my closest friends. It's the first time I've been able to truly relax during a night out. I hardly thought about sitch or W at all. Contrast that with 2 weeks ago when I was a wreck during a meal out with the same friends.

W of course got back home at lot later at 4am. She is a bit of a binge drinker and really goes for it at the weekend.she was initially with work friends but finished the night with a GF who is also divorced. This is good and bad as the friend went through a horrible bitter divorce by the H. There was no OM/OW. W Has seen the effects on the kids and her friend but the friend has come through it after about 2 years.

This morning I went for m bike ride with the club while W was still in bed. On my return she had a massive hangover and had post alcohol blues but in a funny way. She followed me around house to tell me her night out story. I took a shower in ensuite of MBR and she came into room. We had a good chat, funny, with laughs and banter, the best since the BD. She also stayed while I towelled myself dry and throughout I used open body language and eye contact. She even went through her knicker draw to choose today's underwear in front of me.

So good interactions and a few flirty texts when she wet to the shops later.

This afternoon we have a Halloween tea party with about 6 other kids attending.

Then I take my kids to another party whilst W goes to a 50th that she said she doesn't want to go to...because. Of her hangover

[isittoolate]

Party time was a little strained. 6 kids and 4 adults doing Halloween party games with W acting as super mom. Uber organised and efficient. I helped out and was chief photographer. I'm always conscious the dynamic has changed, but tried to act as if.

All the kids loved it and W got lots of compliments from the adults and me . Later when tiding away I complimented her on a great prompt u party and said she should be proud of herself.

Then I took the kids out to a bonfire and. Firework display while W got ready to go to her party.

Overall the best day since BD

I'm trying desperately not to pursue her in the house. Today I so wanted to put my arms around her as we watched our kids play and have fun.
There was a small accident and the fireplace hearth got chipped. It's relatively new and W looked crestfallen, I validated and again so wanted just to hug her and say it didn't matter. I did give her a small rub on the small of her back.

Later she got dressed for the party and that is one thing I really miss, watching her dress for a party. I would lie on the bed and watch her whilst we chatted about his and that. Now the door is shut.

Anyway my anxiety levels are way down and I've halved the dosage of sleeping pills. Hope to get rid of them altogether soon.

Tomorrow she will be home about midday. I intend to go out on a one hour bike ride then do a 10k run.

I think she will veg out on the sofa watching Sat TV.

[isittoolate]

I managed to get a semi-broken nights sleep but without sleeping pills so that is good and one of my goals.

I've done some housework this morning but not too much and will not do any more.

I'm guessing she stayed up late at friends house talking into the small hours. Her friend was chief Bridesmaid at our wedding so is very close to W and is the person who 4 years ago said she would never leave her H 'for the sake of the kids'.

Feeling lonely and tense waiting for her to come home. I need to detach more and just do my own stuff. Played a game or two with boys this morning.